I picked America's Suitehearts to be my first song of 2009. And I'm picking this post to be my first.
Happy New Year, everyone. Happy New Year.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Katie - Jack's Mannequin
For my last song of 2008, I chose Katie by Jack's Mannequin. It's a song that's completely inspired me, and it sums up everything I've been through in the last year.
This is my last 2008 post. It kind of makes me nervous.
In some ways, 2008 was the best year of my life. It brought on so many new people into my life. I grew as a person. Into a wonderful new person and I'm glad I became her. But in a lot of ways, it was the worst year. I fell into the deepest depression I've ever been through.
This isn't going to be a long, whiney ass post. So in short, I'm glad I went through everything I went through in 2008, good or bad. I'm a stronger person because of it.
I'm welcoming 2009. Even if it turns out bad. Even if it ends in heartbreak in despair.
I'm ready.
This is my last 2008 post. It kind of makes me nervous.
In some ways, 2008 was the best year of my life. It brought on so many new people into my life. I grew as a person. Into a wonderful new person and I'm glad I became her. But in a lot of ways, it was the worst year. I fell into the deepest depression I've ever been through.
This isn't going to be a long, whiney ass post. So in short, I'm glad I went through everything I went through in 2008, good or bad. I'm a stronger person because of it.
I'm welcoming 2009. Even if it turns out bad. Even if it ends in heartbreak in despair.
I'm ready.
One last picture of 2008:
My Year In Review
January:
The year started out with a bang, spending time with my now exboyfriend at Cecelia Pierceall's house playing DDR. He drove me home and I kissed his cheek. We were a new, happy couple. I stayed up half the night that day and talked to Haley, then woke up at 8am after about 3 hours of sleep to go feed the cows and take part in other January 1st activities. On the third I went on a date with Eric, we went and saw Alvin and the Chipmonks, laughing the whole way through, and then went to Java Jive. In the middle of January, I went to work and then hung out with some of my favorite people at the top of the lighthouse. Then I went to Java Jive to warm up, and was texting Eric. January 17th we had a half day of school, and I kissed my boyfriend that day while watching Snakes on a Plane. That day ended with me, Sara, and Alexa going to the Lollipop Guild and getting candy. A few days later, I found myself with Eric once again, at the park this time. Then outside my Grandma's house, kissing him slowly goodbye. I let Ruth back into my life once again around that time, and the year proved to be a hard one for us. The month ended with Sara, Alexa, and I on my dining room floor, making bright purple shirts to wear to a concert the next night.
February:
February started off with me and my two best friends standing outside of the Creepy Crawl in St. Louis. Directly in front of me was a girl who, at the time, was simply a girl going to a concert with me, but has now proven to be a good friend. Her name is Maddi. That night I saw three bands, Metro Station, We The Kings, and Cobra Starship. We met so many people that night I can't even remember all of them. But that night brought me closer to my friends. However, the second day of February was filled with depression. The concert was over and I had nothing to look forward to anymore. That, and my boyfriend blew me off for god knows what reason. School resumed on Monday, and everything was normal again. In the middle of the month, my mom had some pictures from my childhood developed, and it brought me to thinking about my life. Now, a year later, I'm even more scared than ever to start my life. February also brought the Depression back into my life, but with the help of my good friends, it pulled me out. Alexa, Sara, and I drifted apart, hardly spending any time together.
March:
March started off with a new person being introduced into my life, someone who at the time, had been there for a year, but now she came into my life in a whole new light. I didn't hate her anymore. Her name is Madi. And over the next few months she would prove to be more than just a friend. Sara and I proved to be better friends, while my relationship with Eric began to fall apart. Depression plagued me again, and with the help of a boy named Tim, I fell into a trap. I stopped loving everyone around me, and eventually, on the Nineteenth I broke up with my boyfriend. That was directly after my Junior Prom, where I'd danced in his arms, not-so-happily in love. When I fell into Depression, friends came again to pull me out of it. Sara, Alexa, and I started to hang out again in my bedroom. The 25th brought my 17th birthday, and the arrival of the new Panic at the Disco cd, Pretty. Odd. I got out of school early that day and went to get it in Quincy, coming home with both the cd and a new tshirt. I went to Chinese that night, then had my birthday party at my grandma's house. It was Hannah Montana themed. At the very end of the month, I was introduced to Twilight.
April:
Maddi and I got closer, connected by our love of Twilight. That's about all of my blog updates are about from this month. Twilight also brought me closer to a girl named Malissie, and she's proven to be a very good friend to me over the last months. Work became very fun as we approached the end of the school year. I started to hang out with Malissie out of school, and she introduced me to two people I still love, Brandi and Dennis. At the end of the month, I started to get very, very depressed once again, the spring months not bringing me out of it.
May:
During May, I came close to shutting every one out. My thoughts sucked inward, to a mind that was plagued with very bad thoughts. I stopped writing, stopped updating because it hurt to think about anything. The middle of May brought finals, the end of school, the graduation of Malissie, and the one year anniversary of my grandpa dying. I started to feel better about life, enjoying being outside. I picked up a pencil and started writing again. I would log onto email at school and would talk to Madi all day. School ended, allowing me to dive headfirst into the summer months. I thought they would be pleasant and wonderful, but they proved otherwise. I stopped talking to Sara almost completely. She blew me off one too many times and I just stopped. I wrote a lot, talking to Madi and getting her help through my stories.
June:
Everything crashed in June, despite the many times that I spent with my three best friends. I would spend hours on the phone with Madi, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Hours were spent at Brandi's house, on the playground, rushing me home to make it to curfew. I spent hours smiling, only with them. And then with my family, because they couldn't know how bad it got. After six months of not doing it, I ended my streak with ten lines across my forearm. My mom found out about the cutting, but she failed to do anything about it, sinking me further into the Depression. In an effort to protect myself, I created two people to live in my head. Their names are Will and Kate, and I wrote for them constantly. I still do. I heard their thoughts better than my own, but when Kate started to slip, that broke. I spent more time with Malissie, Dennis, and Brandi than I had with anyone. I pushed Haley to the far ends of my life. I made plans for suicide, because it seemed like the only way out. It was the lowest point in my life. Madi started to fall too, and when she went into the hospital I fell apart.
July:
July started off with a concert. My very first Vans Warped Tour, and the one day of the summer I was absolutely happy. I saw six bands. We The Kings, Cobra Starship, The Academy Is..., FightFightFight, Gym Class Heroes, and Jack's Mannequin. The rest of July is something I don't like to talk about. The first half of July was spent with me slipping further and further, until I finally slipped and 106 cuts were laced across my legs. When I told my best friend I was going to kill myself, I agreed to be taken to the hospital. Where I stayed for a week. Secrets were revealed to my parents, and they finally believed me. When I came out, I felt better. I felt alive. I felt okay and I loved being reunited with the people I loved, and letting them get to know the me that wasn't under a cloud of depression. I also bought my first car, a white Ford Taurus I called Delaney.
August:
August brought on more of the summer. I went to St. Louis for a concert, but that also marked the beginning of Madi's second stay in the hospital. Bringing me closer to my friends. Back into the sunlight. I got my driver's license, and at the same time my two best friends moved away for college. I started my senior year in high school. I got closer with Alexa once again.
September:
In September, I focused a lot on school. A lot on Madi and our writing. I started to miss Malissie. I went to see them in Columbia. Then everything started to fall apart when I got news that Madi would be leaving for the entire month of October. September ended with me on the phone for a long time, crying to Madi and begging for a miracle.
October:
October is a blur, because I really don't like thinking about it. It was full of fake, cheap smiles. Full of driving home every day to check the mail. Reading letters. Being shut out of my head. Spending time with Alexa. Full of cheap things to make up for what was truly missing: Madi. In the end of October, I went to Key Leader Weekend as a student facilitator, and had the most fun in three days that I'd ever had. Then Madi came back, and I had a sleepover on Halloween with my best friends.
November:
Midnight on November 1st marked the beginning of NaNoWriMo, so my month was spent writing. 50,000 words in a month sounded insane at first, and now that I've done it and succeeded, it still seems insane. I started writing with Madi again.
December:
Christmas time closed in, and I got everything that I wanted. I took the ACT. I've gotten closer with Alexa once again. I write a lot now. And now it's December 31st, and the year will end with me and madi enjoying ourselves.
and now, I welcome 2009, and all of it's ups and downs, with open arms.
The year started out with a bang, spending time with my now exboyfriend at Cecelia Pierceall's house playing DDR. He drove me home and I kissed his cheek. We were a new, happy couple. I stayed up half the night that day and talked to Haley, then woke up at 8am after about 3 hours of sleep to go feed the cows and take part in other January 1st activities. On the third I went on a date with Eric, we went and saw Alvin and the Chipmonks, laughing the whole way through, and then went to Java Jive. In the middle of January, I went to work and then hung out with some of my favorite people at the top of the lighthouse. Then I went to Java Jive to warm up, and was texting Eric. January 17th we had a half day of school, and I kissed my boyfriend that day while watching Snakes on a Plane. That day ended with me, Sara, and Alexa going to the Lollipop Guild and getting candy. A few days later, I found myself with Eric once again, at the park this time. Then outside my Grandma's house, kissing him slowly goodbye. I let Ruth back into my life once again around that time, and the year proved to be a hard one for us. The month ended with Sara, Alexa, and I on my dining room floor, making bright purple shirts to wear to a concert the next night.
February:
February started off with me and my two best friends standing outside of the Creepy Crawl in St. Louis. Directly in front of me was a girl who, at the time, was simply a girl going to a concert with me, but has now proven to be a good friend. Her name is Maddi. That night I saw three bands, Metro Station, We The Kings, and Cobra Starship. We met so many people that night I can't even remember all of them. But that night brought me closer to my friends. However, the second day of February was filled with depression. The concert was over and I had nothing to look forward to anymore. That, and my boyfriend blew me off for god knows what reason. School resumed on Monday, and everything was normal again. In the middle of the month, my mom had some pictures from my childhood developed, and it brought me to thinking about my life. Now, a year later, I'm even more scared than ever to start my life. February also brought the Depression back into my life, but with the help of my good friends, it pulled me out. Alexa, Sara, and I drifted apart, hardly spending any time together.
March:
March started off with a new person being introduced into my life, someone who at the time, had been there for a year, but now she came into my life in a whole new light. I didn't hate her anymore. Her name is Madi. And over the next few months she would prove to be more than just a friend. Sara and I proved to be better friends, while my relationship with Eric began to fall apart. Depression plagued me again, and with the help of a boy named Tim, I fell into a trap. I stopped loving everyone around me, and eventually, on the Nineteenth I broke up with my boyfriend. That was directly after my Junior Prom, where I'd danced in his arms, not-so-happily in love. When I fell into Depression, friends came again to pull me out of it. Sara, Alexa, and I started to hang out again in my bedroom. The 25th brought my 17th birthday, and the arrival of the new Panic at the Disco cd, Pretty. Odd. I got out of school early that day and went to get it in Quincy, coming home with both the cd and a new tshirt. I went to Chinese that night, then had my birthday party at my grandma's house. It was Hannah Montana themed. At the very end of the month, I was introduced to Twilight.
April:
Maddi and I got closer, connected by our love of Twilight. That's about all of my blog updates are about from this month. Twilight also brought me closer to a girl named Malissie, and she's proven to be a very good friend to me over the last months. Work became very fun as we approached the end of the school year. I started to hang out with Malissie out of school, and she introduced me to two people I still love, Brandi and Dennis. At the end of the month, I started to get very, very depressed once again, the spring months not bringing me out of it.
May:
During May, I came close to shutting every one out. My thoughts sucked inward, to a mind that was plagued with very bad thoughts. I stopped writing, stopped updating because it hurt to think about anything. The middle of May brought finals, the end of school, the graduation of Malissie, and the one year anniversary of my grandpa dying. I started to feel better about life, enjoying being outside. I picked up a pencil and started writing again. I would log onto email at school and would talk to Madi all day. School ended, allowing me to dive headfirst into the summer months. I thought they would be pleasant and wonderful, but they proved otherwise. I stopped talking to Sara almost completely. She blew me off one too many times and I just stopped. I wrote a lot, talking to Madi and getting her help through my stories.
June:
Everything crashed in June, despite the many times that I spent with my three best friends. I would spend hours on the phone with Madi, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Hours were spent at Brandi's house, on the playground, rushing me home to make it to curfew. I spent hours smiling, only with them. And then with my family, because they couldn't know how bad it got. After six months of not doing it, I ended my streak with ten lines across my forearm. My mom found out about the cutting, but she failed to do anything about it, sinking me further into the Depression. In an effort to protect myself, I created two people to live in my head. Their names are Will and Kate, and I wrote for them constantly. I still do. I heard their thoughts better than my own, but when Kate started to slip, that broke. I spent more time with Malissie, Dennis, and Brandi than I had with anyone. I pushed Haley to the far ends of my life. I made plans for suicide, because it seemed like the only way out. It was the lowest point in my life. Madi started to fall too, and when she went into the hospital I fell apart.
July:
July started off with a concert. My very first Vans Warped Tour, and the one day of the summer I was absolutely happy. I saw six bands. We The Kings, Cobra Starship, The Academy Is..., FightFightFight, Gym Class Heroes, and Jack's Mannequin. The rest of July is something I don't like to talk about. The first half of July was spent with me slipping further and further, until I finally slipped and 106 cuts were laced across my legs. When I told my best friend I was going to kill myself, I agreed to be taken to the hospital. Where I stayed for a week. Secrets were revealed to my parents, and they finally believed me. When I came out, I felt better. I felt alive. I felt okay and I loved being reunited with the people I loved, and letting them get to know the me that wasn't under a cloud of depression. I also bought my first car, a white Ford Taurus I called Delaney.
August:
August brought on more of the summer. I went to St. Louis for a concert, but that also marked the beginning of Madi's second stay in the hospital. Bringing me closer to my friends. Back into the sunlight. I got my driver's license, and at the same time my two best friends moved away for college. I started my senior year in high school. I got closer with Alexa once again.
September:
In September, I focused a lot on school. A lot on Madi and our writing. I started to miss Malissie. I went to see them in Columbia. Then everything started to fall apart when I got news that Madi would be leaving for the entire month of October. September ended with me on the phone for a long time, crying to Madi and begging for a miracle.
October:
October is a blur, because I really don't like thinking about it. It was full of fake, cheap smiles. Full of driving home every day to check the mail. Reading letters. Being shut out of my head. Spending time with Alexa. Full of cheap things to make up for what was truly missing: Madi. In the end of October, I went to Key Leader Weekend as a student facilitator, and had the most fun in three days that I'd ever had. Then Madi came back, and I had a sleepover on Halloween with my best friends.
November:
Midnight on November 1st marked the beginning of NaNoWriMo, so my month was spent writing. 50,000 words in a month sounded insane at first, and now that I've done it and succeeded, it still seems insane. I started writing with Madi again.
December:
Christmas time closed in, and I got everything that I wanted. I took the ACT. I've gotten closer with Alexa once again. I write a lot now. And now it's December 31st, and the year will end with me and madi enjoying ourselves.
and now, I welcome 2009, and all of it's ups and downs, with open arms.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
things get so fucked up when you get your heart involved:
but then it's nights like this. nights when we've gotten over a fight and she's distant. nights that make me feel like i'm being ripped in half. every second that passes feels like another stab at my heart. i know it's not her fault that she's not talking to me right now, but still i long for her voice. i hope she comes back soon or it's going to be a long time before i sleep.
tonight i went out with friends in my desperate attempt in getting my thoughts away from her. it didn't work. i should have known better because nothing ever takes my thoughts away from her. i could be far, far away, at a concert or meeting someone important to me and my thoughts would still be on her. i should know better.
last night was a disaster, and i really should have known better. i might as well write 'fuck up' across my forehead because that's how i feel. i hurt her, and i didn't mean to, but i did. i should have known better because it's my girlfriend and i should know what hurts her. i should have known and yeah, i probably did know but i'm still a fuck up.
there's a blade in my guitar case for safe keeping. i don't intend on using it, but i feel comfort in knowing that it's there. i hate relying on that feeling. i hate even thinking about it. it's been five months and 12 days. i don't need it, but it sure as hell feels like it.
christmas is in four days, one hour, and twelve minutes. it feels more like it should be months from now. the last few months have flown by. my senior year is slipping away from me. and to be honest, i'm glad. i'm looking forward to freedom.
i'm sitting in my living room right now, my laptop screen and the red, pink, orange, blue, and green lights of my christmas tree are the only things i see. words are flowing through my head. i write the best when i'm depressed.
depressed. depression. i hate those words. two words that to others, are meaningless. but to me, they mean life or death. depression makes me feel like i'm being crushed. i look at other people, people who are laughing and happy, and i think of cartoon characters. you know, the ones that get the anvil dropped on their heads and they just bounce back up like a spring. i, unfortunately, am not like that. i fall apart. i break. i am broken.
i don't write anymore because the words don't flow. when i'm happy, i don't feel like myself.
and you have no idea how pathetic that makes me feel.
tonight i went out with friends in my desperate attempt in getting my thoughts away from her. it didn't work. i should have known better because nothing ever takes my thoughts away from her. i could be far, far away, at a concert or meeting someone important to me and my thoughts would still be on her. i should know better.
last night was a disaster, and i really should have known better. i might as well write 'fuck up' across my forehead because that's how i feel. i hurt her, and i didn't mean to, but i did. i should have known better because it's my girlfriend and i should know what hurts her. i should have known and yeah, i probably did know but i'm still a fuck up.
there's a blade in my guitar case for safe keeping. i don't intend on using it, but i feel comfort in knowing that it's there. i hate relying on that feeling. i hate even thinking about it. it's been five months and 12 days. i don't need it, but it sure as hell feels like it.
christmas is in four days, one hour, and twelve minutes. it feels more like it should be months from now. the last few months have flown by. my senior year is slipping away from me. and to be honest, i'm glad. i'm looking forward to freedom.
i'm sitting in my living room right now, my laptop screen and the red, pink, orange, blue, and green lights of my christmas tree are the only things i see. words are flowing through my head. i write the best when i'm depressed.
depressed. depression. i hate those words. two words that to others, are meaningless. but to me, they mean life or death. depression makes me feel like i'm being crushed. i look at other people, people who are laughing and happy, and i think of cartoon characters. you know, the ones that get the anvil dropped on their heads and they just bounce back up like a spring. i, unfortunately, am not like that. i fall apart. i break. i am broken.
i don't write anymore because the words don't flow. when i'm happy, i don't feel like myself.
and you have no idea how pathetic that makes me feel.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Reflect:
NaNoWriMo 2008.
Wow. I can't believe it's over. In some ways, it feels surreal. Like this weird journey that I can't believe I put myself through.
I am insane, for trying this.
This morning, I started out at a little over 41k. 9k to go. I figured it would be impossible, something I wouldn't do.
Boy was I wrong. In the final hours of NaNoWriMo, I crossed the finish line to 50k.
Here's what I have to say about this experience:
NaNo was one of the most amazing, stupid, wonderful, insane things I've ever done. Writing a novel in a month is not something I would advise people to do, but I did it. It was insane, pushing myself to the limit. I was tired, crabby, and ready to beat some sense into my characters.
But I did it. I crossed the finish line.
One more year, and I do it again.
Wow. I can't believe it's over. In some ways, it feels surreal. Like this weird journey that I can't believe I put myself through.
I am insane, for trying this.
This morning, I started out at a little over 41k. 9k to go. I figured it would be impossible, something I wouldn't do.
Boy was I wrong. In the final hours of NaNoWriMo, I crossed the finish line to 50k.
Here's what I have to say about this experience:
NaNo was one of the most amazing, stupid, wonderful, insane things I've ever done. Writing a novel in a month is not something I would advise people to do, but I did it. It was insane, pushing myself to the limit. I was tired, crabby, and ready to beat some sense into my characters.
But I did it. I crossed the finish line.
One more year, and I do it again.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
key leader 2008:
You know, you'd think I wouldn't be so inspired by Key Leader weekend. Especially having gone through it once before. But I was. It's still as inspiring and life-changing as it was last year.
This year I went back to Key Leader as a student facilitator. I went in expecting to be shy and sink into the background like I did last year. It didn't happen. Being a facilitator, I got pushed to front and center, and it forced me to break out of my shell. I found myself speaking out, sharing my opinion to not just the person next to me, but standing up in front of everyone to say what I think.
And knowing what happens in a Key Leader weekend gave me the opportunity to really absorb the people around me. I watched it last year, but it was so much better this year.
Take 48 people. Most of us are complete strangers. We might know the two-five people that came from your school, but that's just about it. Facilitators know each other from last year.
Take 48 strangers, and in a period of 48 hours, they'll be the best of friends. By the end, you'll all be clutching each other, exchanging phone numbers, and crying.
It's amazing. It's amazing because of the difference between our group and a normal high school. No cliches this time. No drama and no popular kids. You're all equal, with opinions that matter and the power to make a difference.
Even in the end of the weekend, holding hands in a circle and about to break off the weekend. Each of us ready to take that first step into being a key leader. Each of us prepared to make a difference, because we all know we can do it.
I made lots of memories this weekend. I'd like to think that they'll help me make a difference.
But of course, I will admit that I cried because it was my last Key Leader ever.
Details on my weekend later.
This year I went back to Key Leader as a student facilitator. I went in expecting to be shy and sink into the background like I did last year. It didn't happen. Being a facilitator, I got pushed to front and center, and it forced me to break out of my shell. I found myself speaking out, sharing my opinion to not just the person next to me, but standing up in front of everyone to say what I think.
And knowing what happens in a Key Leader weekend gave me the opportunity to really absorb the people around me. I watched it last year, but it was so much better this year.
Take 48 people. Most of us are complete strangers. We might know the two-five people that came from your school, but that's just about it. Facilitators know each other from last year.
Take 48 strangers, and in a period of 48 hours, they'll be the best of friends. By the end, you'll all be clutching each other, exchanging phone numbers, and crying.
It's amazing. It's amazing because of the difference between our group and a normal high school. No cliches this time. No drama and no popular kids. You're all equal, with opinions that matter and the power to make a difference.
Even in the end of the weekend, holding hands in a circle and about to break off the weekend. Each of us ready to take that first step into being a key leader. Each of us prepared to make a difference, because we all know we can do it.
I made lots of memories this weekend. I'd like to think that they'll help me make a difference.
But of course, I will admit that I cried because it was my last Key Leader ever.
Details on my weekend later.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
if the sky goes missing, where does that leave the star?
I don't write anymore. At all. It hurts my heart, leaves it aching like there is a huge hole in my chest. It leaves me struggling to breathe, struggling to see what's left.
Since Madi left, it's hard to swallow. In the words of William Beckett, the world around me is like a dark room, and I have a candle. Madi was the hand that led me to the lightswitch. Now, without her, I force myself to see only the area I can see with my candle. Because I'm afraid to see the whole world without her by my side.
I cling to Haley a lot now. Because she's equally important as Madi to me. When one of them is gone, half of me is too.
In the last twenty-one days, I've struggled to figure out what happens when you give two people half of your heart each, and one of them leaves. That leaves you with half of a heart, right? Well what happens if the other person leaves too?
And to be honest, I'm too scared to find out.
Since Madi left, it's hard to swallow. In the words of William Beckett, the world around me is like a dark room, and I have a candle. Madi was the hand that led me to the lightswitch. Now, without her, I force myself to see only the area I can see with my candle. Because I'm afraid to see the whole world without her by my side.
I cling to Haley a lot now. Because she's equally important as Madi to me. When one of them is gone, half of me is too.
In the last twenty-one days, I've struggled to figure out what happens when you give two people half of your heart each, and one of them leaves. That leaves you with half of a heart, right? Well what happens if the other person leaves too?
And to be honest, I'm too scared to find out.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
the currents will pull you away from your love:
I had to pull over my car tonight because I broke down sobbing. It's been sixteen days, and I finally broke down. I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.
I miss her and I really don't know how much more I can take.
I miss her and I really don't know how much more I can take.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
the whole world is watching you haven't come this far to fall off the earth:
Today I went to Alexa's house after school to work on homework, and ended up staying for hours. I just got home and it's 11pm. It's days like this that remind me of why I love my life. I love spending time with my friends and everything.
I got a letter from Madi today. It's great to know that she misses me as much as I miss her. I hate that I have to admit that I miss her. But I do, it's killing me. She made me little bead thingy that says KMB and I love it. I'll take a picture of it later. :]
She also sent me the next chapter of our story. I hate having to do it over letter but I already wrote the next chapter and I'm sending it tomorrow. Yippee!
Alexa got a twitter, so I apologize in advance to anyone who follows me, it's going to be a fun ride.
I'm going to play sims and watch Degrassi, since I don't have school tomorrow. It's gonna be a wild night.
I got a letter from Madi today. It's great to know that she misses me as much as I miss her. I hate that I have to admit that I miss her. But I do, it's killing me. She made me little bead thingy that says KMB and I love it. I'll take a picture of it later. :]
She also sent me the next chapter of our story. I hate having to do it over letter but I already wrote the next chapter and I'm sending it tomorrow. Yippee!
Alexa got a twitter, so I apologize in advance to anyone who follows me, it's going to be a fun ride.
I'm going to play sims and watch Degrassi, since I don't have school tomorrow. It's gonna be a wild night.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
good day, tidal wave:
I'm happy today. Extremely happy and extremely hyper. I'm jittery and I'm rambling. I'm happy. I love my life.
I'm feeling closer than ever to my best friend, and I'm glad because during the summer I pushed her so far away.
Sean and I came up with our secret handshake today. We almost hit each other in the face. I love that boy<3 He's like, the coolest person ever.
Work wasn't bad today, surprisingly. I spent time with people I care about.
It was a good day.
I'm feeling closer than ever to my best friend, and I'm glad because during the summer I pushed her so far away.
Sean and I came up with our secret handshake today. We almost hit each other in the face. I love that boy<3 He's like, the coolest person ever.
Work wasn't bad today, surprisingly. I spent time with people I care about.
It was a good day.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
i'll kiss your neck but i just can't look you in the eye:
I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about my depression, and the way it's affected me. The way I let it take over me, and the way I lost some good friends because of it. I was just writing a character that is very similar to me in the way that she has depression and she just flipped out. I asked my friend if I was like that, and she told me yes.
I don't have any memory of that. I guess I've basically repressed all of that. I don't really want to remember it, either.
I'm still struggling. I'm still having bad days. But I'm alive, at least.
My insomnia is back in full swing. I'm awkwardly twitchy during the day and when I lay down to sleep, I can't lay still. I get up and clean up my purse or draw or text someone who won't respond until morning.
I'm going insane.
But I'm happy. I'm still smiling and still getting up in the morning (ha, usually because I haven't quite gone to sleep yet)
I lied to my doctor today about my sleeping schedule. I don't want more drugs.
Now I'm going to go to bed and listen to Jack's Mannequin and play sims.
I don't have any memory of that. I guess I've basically repressed all of that. I don't really want to remember it, either.
I'm still struggling. I'm still having bad days. But I'm alive, at least.
My insomnia is back in full swing. I'm awkwardly twitchy during the day and when I lay down to sleep, I can't lay still. I get up and clean up my purse or draw or text someone who won't respond until morning.
I'm going insane.
But I'm happy. I'm still smiling and still getting up in the morning (ha, usually because I haven't quite gone to sleep yet)
I lied to my doctor today about my sleeping schedule. I don't want more drugs.
Now I'm going to go to bed and listen to Jack's Mannequin and play sims.
Monday, October 6, 2008
when it all comes crashing:
I'm trying not to think too much these days. I'm trying to focus on art, it's the best thing for me.
Twenty more days, I think.
Twenty more days, I think.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Get it? Pun-ny:
gaylor goes home (9:10:32 PM): I CAN'T HELP IT
gaylor goes home (9:10:41 PM): STRESS IS MY LAST NAME
just need light (9:10:49 PM): Ruth Stress.
gaylor goes home (9:10:58 PM): yes
gaylor goes home (9:11:04 PM): it flows, right?
just need light (9:12:02 PM): completely
just need light (9:12:15 PM): you need to marry someone with the last name Edout
just need light (9:12:20 PM): because then your name would be
just need light (9:12:24 PM): Ruth Stress-Edout
gaylor goes home (9:12:30 PM): LOLOLOLOLOL
just need light (9:12:43 PM): i basically win at life.
gaylor goes home (9:12:45 PM): you're quite punny this week
just need light (9:12:48 PM): i really am.
gaylor goes home (9:13:00 PM): HAHA GET IT LIKE FUNNY
gaylor goes home (9:10:41 PM): STRESS IS MY LAST NAME
just need light (9:10:49 PM): Ruth Stress.
gaylor goes home (9:10:58 PM): yes
gaylor goes home (9:11:04 PM): it flows, right?
just need light (9:12:02 PM): completely
just need light (9:12:15 PM): you need to marry someone with the last name Edout
just need light (9:12:20 PM): because then your name would be
just need light (9:12:24 PM): Ruth Stress-Edout
gaylor goes home (9:12:30 PM): LOLOLOLOLOL
just need light (9:12:43 PM): i basically win at life.
gaylor goes home (9:12:45 PM): you're quite punny this week
just need light (9:12:48 PM): i really am.
gaylor goes home (9:13:00 PM): HAHA GET IT LIKE FUNNY
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I made the best joke today:
Ruth: I took the SAT today, my essay sucked though.
Me: So how was your T?
Ruth: Huh?
Me: Get it? Your S-A sucked, but how was your T?
Me: So how was your T?
Ruth: Huh?
Me: Get it? Your S-A sucked, but how was your T?
Friday, October 3, 2008
there's a light on in chicago:
I love my life right now. I love spending time with my friends. I love being happy. I don't want this to change.
I'm scared. Because I feel good now but I know once it gets colder, I'll crash.
I want to feel alive like this forever.
I'm scared. Because I feel good now but I know once it gets colder, I'll crash.
I want to feel alive like this forever.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
You're on your own tonight:
There's something massively amazing about art for me. I'm so calmed down by art.
I can't wait until next Thursday.
I can't wait until next Thursday.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
and don't fly fast, on pilot can you help me? can you make this last?
This plane is all I've got so keep it steady now, because every inch I see is bruised
I'm hurting. Badly. More than I can really say, you know. I miss her voice already. I miss the way I can call her and be like, "Kate did this today, what does Delaney think about that?"
I miss the way she could tell me everything I wanted to hear, and I didn't have to ask. I miss her way too much, and it's only technically been thirteen hours.
Only 700 or so to go.
It hurts. It aches. I want to sleep but I can't for the life of me make myself tired.
Hours pass and she still counts the minutes that I am not there. I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised.
I'm hurting. Badly. More than I can really say, you know. I miss her voice already. I miss the way I can call her and be like, "Kate did this today, what does Delaney think about that?"
I miss the way she could tell me everything I wanted to hear, and I didn't have to ask. I miss her way too much, and it's only technically been thirteen hours.
Only 700 or so to go.
It hurts. It aches. I want to sleep but I can't for the life of me make myself tired.
Hours pass and she still counts the minutes that I am not there. I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised.
Monday, September 29, 2008
an actual conversation between two legit lunatics:
just need light (9:59:28 PM): i gotta go bb
gaylor goes home (9:59:37 PM): k bye bbgun
just need light (9:59:53 PM): text sexxxqueen?
just need light (9:59:59 PM): that makes you sound like a porn star.
gaylor goes home (10:00:07 PM): LMAO WTF
gaylor goes home (10:00:18 PM): go to sleep, you're a lunatic
gaylor goes home (10:00:23 PM): text me
just need light (10:00:27 PM): i don't think sleep will really fix that.
gaylor goes home (10:00:29 PM): sext messages
gaylor goes home (10:00:36 PM): don't text me those ahaha
just need light (10:00:48 PM): n. i'll text you xxxtra love.
just need light (10:00:51 PM): messages.
gaylor goes home (10:01:00 PM): well ok
gaylor goes home (10:01:08 PM): bye bye now
just need light (10:01:15 PM): and remember. i love you more than all the boysss.
just need light (10:01:20 PM): k gurl?
gaylor goes home (10:01:39 PM): OMG YEAH HOES BEFORE BROS
just need light (10:01:45 PM): I IS NOT A HO.
gaylor goes home (10:01:45 PM): BYE LOVER
just need light (10:01:57 PM): BYE REVOL
gaylor goes home (10:01:59 PM): yaaaa
gaylor goes home (10:02:05 PM): REVOL?
just need light (10:02:10 PM): LOVER, BACKWARDS.
just need light (10:02:21 PM): BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO WEIRD TO BE FORWARDS.
gaylor goes home (10:02:31 PM): OMG
just need light (10:02:36 PM): WUT.
gaylor goes home (10:02:37 PM): OMG
just need light (10:02:40 PM): WUT?!
gaylor goes home (10:02:42 PM): <3 LUBBBSSS
gaylor goes home (10:02:47 PM): HAHAHA I'M BACKASSWARDS
gaylor goes home (10:02:52 PM): YOUR MOTHA
gaylor goes home (10:02:57 PM): GET OFFLINE NOW
just need light (10:03:13 PM): NO.
just need light (10:03:16 PM): WELL OKAY.
just need light (10:03:19 PM): AFTER I BLOG THIS.
gaylor goes home (10:03:21 PM): K BYESSSS
gaylor goes home (10:03:30 PM): OK HOORAY
gaylor goes home (10:03:35 PM): BLAH BLAH BLOG
gaylor goes home (10:03:40 PM): HOW BOUT THAT BLOG
gaylor goes home (10:03:46 PM): BLOGGERS MAKE BETTER LOVERS
gaylor goes home (10:03:59 PM): blog in a bog with the fog and a hog
gaylor goes home (10:04:13 PM): jog while you blog!
just need light (10:04:18 PM): LMFAO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
gaylor goes home (10:04:24 PM): I WANT TO GO TO VAGINALAND
gaylor goes home (10:04:30 PM): BYE
gaylor goes home (9:59:37 PM): k bye bbgun
just need light (9:59:53 PM): text sexxxqueen?
just need light (9:59:59 PM): that makes you sound like a porn star.
gaylor goes home (10:00:07 PM): LMAO WTF
gaylor goes home (10:00:18 PM): go to sleep, you're a lunatic
gaylor goes home (10:00:23 PM): text me
just need light (10:00:27 PM): i don't think sleep will really fix that.
gaylor goes home (10:00:29 PM): sext messages
gaylor goes home (10:00:36 PM): don't text me those ahaha
just need light (10:00:48 PM): n. i'll text you xxxtra love.
just need light (10:00:51 PM): messages.
gaylor goes home (10:01:00 PM): well ok
gaylor goes home (10:01:08 PM): bye bye now
just need light (10:01:15 PM): and remember. i love you more than all the boysss.
just need light (10:01:20 PM): k gurl?
gaylor goes home (10:01:39 PM): OMG YEAH HOES BEFORE BROS
just need light (10:01:45 PM): I IS NOT A HO.
gaylor goes home (10:01:45 PM): BYE LOVER
just need light (10:01:57 PM): BYE REVOL
gaylor goes home (10:01:59 PM): yaaaa
gaylor goes home (10:02:05 PM): REVOL?
just need light (10:02:10 PM): LOVER, BACKWARDS.
just need light (10:02:21 PM): BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO WEIRD TO BE FORWARDS.
gaylor goes home (10:02:31 PM): OMG
just need light (10:02:36 PM): WUT.
gaylor goes home (10:02:37 PM): OMG
just need light (10:02:40 PM): WUT?!
gaylor goes home (10:02:42 PM): <3 LUBBBSSS
gaylor goes home (10:02:47 PM): HAHAHA I'M BACKASSWARDS
gaylor goes home (10:02:52 PM): YOUR MOTHA
gaylor goes home (10:02:57 PM): GET OFFLINE NOW
just need light (10:03:13 PM): NO.
just need light (10:03:16 PM): WELL OKAY.
just need light (10:03:19 PM): AFTER I BLOG THIS.
gaylor goes home (10:03:21 PM): K BYESSSS
gaylor goes home (10:03:30 PM): OK HOORAY
gaylor goes home (10:03:35 PM): BLAH BLAH BLOG
gaylor goes home (10:03:40 PM): HOW BOUT THAT BLOG
gaylor goes home (10:03:46 PM): BLOGGERS MAKE BETTER LOVERS
gaylor goes home (10:03:59 PM): blog in a bog with the fog and a hog
gaylor goes home (10:04:13 PM): jog while you blog!
just need light (10:04:18 PM): LMFAO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
gaylor goes home (10:04:24 PM): I WANT TO GO TO VAGINALAND
gaylor goes home (10:04:30 PM): BYE
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
you can breathe but the air is running out:
Step back.
Imagine one of the most important people in your life. Imagine them being ripped away from you, if only for a month. Imagine them being your oxygen, one thing that keeps you alive. Imagine living without that person. Imagine imagining living without them for a month. Imagine having no idea how they'll be doing, or having any way to find out.
Don't complain, you see, that I'm not going to be spending time with you. Oh trust me baby, I'll need you more than ever.
I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry because it wasn't intentional. It was me hurting. Gasping. Aching.
Being torn apart and trying to sew myself together, all while you pick away at what's left. You pointed out my flaws. Pointed out hers. I love you, but I love her too. Don't make me choose.
I love her more than you could imagine, just like I love you.
I'm barely breathing, but I'm trying. I'm trying so damn hard because I can't let myself fall apart. Not now. I need to be strong. For her.
For you.
Imagine one of the most important people in your life. Imagine them being ripped away from you, if only for a month. Imagine them being your oxygen, one thing that keeps you alive. Imagine living without that person. Imagine imagining living without them for a month. Imagine having no idea how they'll be doing, or having any way to find out.
Don't complain, you see, that I'm not going to be spending time with you. Oh trust me baby, I'll need you more than ever.
I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry because it wasn't intentional. It was me hurting. Gasping. Aching.
Being torn apart and trying to sew myself together, all while you pick away at what's left. You pointed out my flaws. Pointed out hers. I love you, but I love her too. Don't make me choose.
I love her more than you could imagine, just like I love you.
I'm barely breathing, but I'm trying. I'm trying so damn hard because I can't let myself fall apart. Not now. I need to be strong. For her.
For you.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
you can't escape now:
No, I can't escape. This is eating me alive. It's getting worse by the minute. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want my arms to know blades again.
But they won't, they can't. They won't because I know what I'd lose if I did.
Today could not have been worse.
But they won't, they can't. They won't because I know what I'd lose if I did.
Today could not have been worse.
Monday, September 22, 2008
all again for you:
There's something about Key Club that sends a warm feeling through my body. It's one thing I have to look forward to. I count down the days until the next meeting, until the next time I can help do something. Help be a part of something. It's sad that I measure my days in what I can do for key club.
I'm so excited for Key Leader. Not just because of it being Key Leader, but honestly that weekend with be so healthy for me. A nice break. A great weekend.
It was sunny today. Sunshine is magical.
I'm so excited for Key Leader. Not just because of it being Key Leader, but honestly that weekend with be so healthy for me. A nice break. A great weekend.
It was sunny today. Sunshine is magical.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
i need space so i can breathe:
Healthy healthy healthy.
I'll be healthy. So what if I don't need you anymore. So what? I can't let people to that to me anymore. I can't let people push me around. I can't put the needs of others in front of my own anymore. I have to let myself be me. And yeah, well, maybe sometimes even I don't know who that is. But that's what I'm trying to figure out.
And I certainly don't need people like you pushing me into something else. It's like you all fucking have a mold and I don't fit into that. I can't fit in to that. I don't want to conform into something like you. You're the kind of person I hate.
I want to be myself. The true, genuine me that Malissie, Brandi, and Dennis got to know this summer. And you fucking say that I never let you know about what I was going through this summer. What I was feeling. But really, if I would have, would you have listened?
Probably not. Probably not because even if you could, for once, untangle yourself from your fucking boyfriend, you probably would have never listened. Would have never cared. You never wanted to know the real me. And I was never myself around you. I molded into who you needed me to be, and I can't do that anymore.
I can't handle it. I'm falling apart at the seams right now. They'd notice. They'd see the sudden change in me. They'd see the way I look and feel like a zombie. Emotionless. Numb. On the brink of falling apart one more time. But you don't notice. You don't care. How many times to I have to say, "I'm dying" before you listen. Before you believe me.
I hate you.
I hate that you can't see this. And I hate that it's really not your fault. I never let you see the true me and sure, you would never know what 'falling apart' looks like.
I don't need you anymore. I need them. And the sucky thing is that they're not here anymore. But even then, they still care ten thousand times more than you ever will.
I'll be healthy. So what if I don't need you anymore. So what? I can't let people to that to me anymore. I can't let people push me around. I can't put the needs of others in front of my own anymore. I have to let myself be me. And yeah, well, maybe sometimes even I don't know who that is. But that's what I'm trying to figure out.
And I certainly don't need people like you pushing me into something else. It's like you all fucking have a mold and I don't fit into that. I can't fit in to that. I don't want to conform into something like you. You're the kind of person I hate.
I want to be myself. The true, genuine me that Malissie, Brandi, and Dennis got to know this summer. And you fucking say that I never let you know about what I was going through this summer. What I was feeling. But really, if I would have, would you have listened?
Probably not. Probably not because even if you could, for once, untangle yourself from your fucking boyfriend, you probably would have never listened. Would have never cared. You never wanted to know the real me. And I was never myself around you. I molded into who you needed me to be, and I can't do that anymore.
I can't handle it. I'm falling apart at the seams right now. They'd notice. They'd see the sudden change in me. They'd see the way I look and feel like a zombie. Emotionless. Numb. On the brink of falling apart one more time. But you don't notice. You don't care. How many times to I have to say, "I'm dying" before you listen. Before you believe me.
I hate you.
I hate that you can't see this. And I hate that it's really not your fault. I never let you see the true me and sure, you would never know what 'falling apart' looks like.
I don't need you anymore. I need them. And the sucky thing is that they're not here anymore. But even then, they still care ten thousand times more than you ever will.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
why don't you wait until you're sedated:
You know what? Fuck all of you. Fuck every single one of you for even thinking that you could bring me down like that. Fuck you for saying something like "Why don't you just quit already, everyone hates you anyway." And fuck all of you for saying that you agreed with that statement. Fuck you for forcing me to swallow the tears that followed.
Because hell, I'm not letting you see me weak. Maybe I did run away to the back of the kitchen. Maybe I did stay there all night doing dishes and yeah, maybe a few tears were shed because of the words you said. But you know what? Fuck you.
I don't need your approval. I've worked SO FUCKING HARD the last few months to get to where I am right now. I was happy. For once I was genuinely happy. Feeling good about living and even thinking that I might be good enough to make something of myself. I'm not letting you come by and wreck that.
And to you. How fucking dare you touch me. How fucking dare you put your hands on my hips like they belong there. They don't. Not anymore. I'm ending this right here.
I'm done with you. Over you. Completely because name one minute in the last six months where you were a good thing for me.
I can't name any but I can certainly name millions of times when you were bad for me. Just look at my arms and remember that you're the very reason for the scars that stripe across them.
Oh trust me, there won't be any more. Not from depression and definitely not because of you.
Everyone stopped feeling sorry for you, you know. Maybe now everyone will start seeing how fucking pathetic you are. You never loved me. Love is just a fucking hoax. And we were sixteen. No one falls in love at sixteen, and especially not in their first serious relationship.
It's called Lust, sweetie.
Because hell, I'm not letting you see me weak. Maybe I did run away to the back of the kitchen. Maybe I did stay there all night doing dishes and yeah, maybe a few tears were shed because of the words you said. But you know what? Fuck you.
I don't need your approval. I've worked SO FUCKING HARD the last few months to get to where I am right now. I was happy. For once I was genuinely happy. Feeling good about living and even thinking that I might be good enough to make something of myself. I'm not letting you come by and wreck that.
And to you. How fucking dare you touch me. How fucking dare you put your hands on my hips like they belong there. They don't. Not anymore. I'm ending this right here.
I'm done with you. Over you. Completely because name one minute in the last six months where you were a good thing for me.
I can't name any but I can certainly name millions of times when you were bad for me. Just look at my arms and remember that you're the very reason for the scars that stripe across them.
Oh trust me, there won't be any more. Not from depression and definitely not because of you.
Everyone stopped feeling sorry for you, you know. Maybe now everyone will start seeing how fucking pathetic you are. You never loved me. Love is just a fucking hoax. And we were sixteen. No one falls in love at sixteen, and especially not in their first serious relationship.
It's called Lust, sweetie.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
first day of my life:
you know, i didn't write much this summer. well, i did. just not really in the form of blogging. i didn't want to remember this summer. i didn't want to remember the crippling pain that overtook me every time i opened my eyes. i didn't want to remember the way that it hurt ten times worse when i kept them closed.
but now, looking back, i wish i'd documented. because now i'm desperate. grasping on to every last shred of those memories because hell, they were good ones. i miss them. long summer days spent on the playground. the nights that were ten times better. the ones where my three best friends would lay under the stars and talk. the only people who truly mattered to me.
it's killing me now, knowing that two of those people are away from me.
senior year is hell. i'm going to be honest there. and this last weekend, with my days spent in columbia. seeing where i will be living next year, where i'll be going to school both next year and then two years from now. it's made what should be the sweet taste of senior year about ten times more bitter. college is what i'm looking forward to. freedom. friends. maybemaybemaybe a lot of smiling.
sunday night was one of those nights that i don't want to forget. spending time with my best friends. not really doing anything except being with each other. playing tag. talking. having extremely inappropriate conversations about vampires (trust me you don't want to know!). it was one of those nights that was absolutely perfect.
sometimes (more like all the time, really) i think i'm two seperate people. or at least, the same person with two layers. there's the me that everyone sees. the shy, timid girl that worries about everything. and then there's the real me. the happy, outgoing girl that i love. the one that shines through when i'm around people who love and care about me.
i wish i knew how to show that girl to more people.
but now, looking back, i wish i'd documented. because now i'm desperate. grasping on to every last shred of those memories because hell, they were good ones. i miss them. long summer days spent on the playground. the nights that were ten times better. the ones where my three best friends would lay under the stars and talk. the only people who truly mattered to me.
it's killing me now, knowing that two of those people are away from me.
senior year is hell. i'm going to be honest there. and this last weekend, with my days spent in columbia. seeing where i will be living next year, where i'll be going to school both next year and then two years from now. it's made what should be the sweet taste of senior year about ten times more bitter. college is what i'm looking forward to. freedom. friends. maybemaybemaybe a lot of smiling.
sunday night was one of those nights that i don't want to forget. spending time with my best friends. not really doing anything except being with each other. playing tag. talking. having extremely inappropriate conversations about vampires (trust me you don't want to know!). it was one of those nights that was absolutely perfect.
sometimes (more like all the time, really) i think i'm two seperate people. or at least, the same person with two layers. there's the me that everyone sees. the shy, timid girl that worries about everything. and then there's the real me. the happy, outgoing girl that i love. the one that shines through when i'm around people who love and care about me.
i wish i knew how to show that girl to more people.
Friday, September 12, 2008
7 Hour Story:
D: Once upon a time there was a beautiful, magical princess
M: Who had an evil brother who always wanted to beat her up.
D: The only way she stayed safe was by paying him $131.50 every week so that he didn't beat her up
M: But she never had any money because her evil brother stole it so he could beat her up anyway.
D: One day, the princess came up with a GREAT plan!
M: She was going to beat her brother up and steal the throne.
D: The first thing she did was use her magical powers to change her hair color, so he would never recognize her.
M: And then she snuck into his bedroom.
D: He heard her coming, but she thought she was the hooker he hired...
M: She thought he was sleeping so she kept coming to attack him....
D: He rolled over, opening his eyes: it was now or never!
M: She got scared and tried to run away...
D: But he hit a switch that locked the door.
M: She begged for him to forgive her.
D: He thought a minute, then smiled an evil smile, then he KICKED! HER! ASS!
M: She cried. He was the worst brother ever.
D: Then she ran to tell mommy.
M: The queen was really mad at her brother because she loved the princess more, because the princess was really cute and the prince wasn't.
D: The queen couldn't decide: have the guards beat the prince, or have them kill the prince.
M: The princess loved her brother, so she told the queen to have them beat him down.
D: So the queen and the princess decided to escort the guards to the prince's quarters.
M: The princess laughed at the prince.
D: The prince called the princess a tattle-telling skankity slut-slut.
M: The princess had the guards beat up the prince.
D: Then the prince told the guards to beat up the princess.
M: The guards then got confused and beat up each other.
D: And then the prince and the princess laughed at the guards' stupidity.
M: The princess said she was sorry to her brother.
D: The prince laughed and said he kinda deserved it...
M: The princess asked if the could be friends again.
D: The prince thought that was a great idea! He missed his little sis.
M: The prince and the princess hugged.
D: Then the prince lightly punched the princess in the arm and smiled.
M: Then the princess punched the princess in the face.
D: And then they all lived happily ever after!
M: Who had an evil brother who always wanted to beat her up.
D: The only way she stayed safe was by paying him $131.50 every week so that he didn't beat her up
M: But she never had any money because her evil brother stole it so he could beat her up anyway.
D: One day, the princess came up with a GREAT plan!
M: She was going to beat her brother up and steal the throne.
D: The first thing she did was use her magical powers to change her hair color, so he would never recognize her.
M: And then she snuck into his bedroom.
D: He heard her coming, but she thought she was the hooker he hired...
M: She thought he was sleeping so she kept coming to attack him....
D: He rolled over, opening his eyes: it was now or never!
M: She got scared and tried to run away...
D: But he hit a switch that locked the door.
M: She begged for him to forgive her.
D: He thought a minute, then smiled an evil smile, then he KICKED! HER! ASS!
M: She cried. He was the worst brother ever.
D: Then she ran to tell mommy.
M: The queen was really mad at her brother because she loved the princess more, because the princess was really cute and the prince wasn't.
D: The queen couldn't decide: have the guards beat the prince, or have them kill the prince.
M: The princess loved her brother, so she told the queen to have them beat him down.
D: So the queen and the princess decided to escort the guards to the prince's quarters.
M: The princess laughed at the prince.
D: The prince called the princess a tattle-telling skankity slut-slut.
M: The princess had the guards beat up the prince.
D: Then the prince told the guards to beat up the princess.
M: The guards then got confused and beat up each other.
D: And then the prince and the princess laughed at the guards' stupidity.
M: The princess said she was sorry to her brother.
D: The prince laughed and said he kinda deserved it...
M: The princess asked if the could be friends again.
D: The prince thought that was a great idea! He missed his little sis.
M: The prince and the princess hugged.
D: Then the prince lightly punched the princess in the arm and smiled.
M: Then the princess punched the princess in the face.
D: And then they all lived happily ever after!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
hope for the hopeless
these thick red lines that lace across my arm are nothing to be ashamed of.
instead, they're everything i'm proud of.
instead, they're everything i'm proud of.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
home for the weekend looking for a good time:
may nineteenth is slowly approaching and i'm less ready for the date than you could ever imagine. it's no longer simply 'the day my grandpa died', but it's also the first day i'll spend in high school without malissie, technically my first day as a senior, and the beginning of finals. great. that's just fabulous.
however, i'm starting to feel a lot better than i have in months. for the first time in far too long i'm starting to see the sunshine again. i'm doing things for me, not because anyone wants me to do anything. i'm spending time talking to the people that matter and pushing away the people who don't. unfortunately, my 'best friend' got cut out in this process. i'm sorry sara, but could you possibly have been any less of a friend to me these last few months?
summer is just around the corner, a week away and i can taste it. i can taste the late nights, the long walks with nowhere specific to be, the freedom, the stress free lifestyle. I can taste it and it's making this last week far too hard to handle. I'm looking forward to it though. the weight of stress will, or at least should, be lifted off me. hopefully i'll be able to breathe again.
things are getting better. they're still not perfect, they probably won't be because i don't heal that easily. but i'm seeing the sunshine again. i'm getting the necessary light and i'm smiling true genuine smiles. they may not live here, but i have these true friends that'll back me up when i need a good smile.
i'm thrilled about warped tour. i'm going to go by myself, of course, but somehow that's been a comforting thought. i'll get to hang out with maddi all day, and spend time with a girl who makes me happy far too often. plus, if plans work out, i'll spend august 1st through the 6th or 7th with her.
and haley of course, she's been sticking with me through far too much shit than i give her credit for. she's been the one i turn too when i'm bawling my eyes out, or even the one that i turn to when i'm moments away from making the final decision to take my own life, and i'm curled into a ball under my bed too weak to cry. i owe her my life, there's nothing i can say to make that sound even better in the slightest. things are just that simple, if it weren't those nights, i would have taken my own life months ago.
madi, my darling esme, has been such a good friend to me these last few weeks. i've known her for a year and she's that person i turn to when i have a problem with a story. she's the only one i know who won't think i'm the world's strangest person because i'm frustrated that my characters aren't yapping in my head. i owe her a lot. sanity, maybe. i don't know what i'd do without her.
alexa and malissie, you make me laugh so much. you have no idea.
but....
however...
i feel like i have to say something about sara.
you, my sara, my BEST friend, simply don't fit those words anymore. you used to be the person i would turn to whenever i was having a problem. you used to be able to help me fix things and then you would genuinely care about seeing me. i'm so fucking sick of putting the effort forward into a friendship that isn't going anywhere.
don't apologize, i hope you choke and die.
i'm feeling optimistic and happy for the first time in months, i think cutting her out of my life might just be for the best, and i'm sorry that i was forced to come to that conclusion. i'm sorry that a good majority of my friends are angry for me posting my feelings.
i speak my feelings.
like, for example. i don't give a fucking shit about your boyfriend. i don't care that you fucked him, or where you did it or even how it was. i don't care. if you need something from me, i'd be there, but you never do. i don't care that you hate your family because you can't see your boyfriend. i'm not going to be the replacement friend because you have a boyfriend who is working or out of town. i'm not going to be the person you turn to only when there's a problem, but could care less when i'm hurting. i'm not a convience friend.
if that's sucky for you, well, let's reconcider our friendship, shall we?
well, another thing, i didn't make journalism. oh well, i don't need a shitty high school newspaper to tell me that i'm a good writer. i know i am. i can handle the rejection. don't worry about me, hannibal high school.
this has been a rambling mess, and i'm not even sure how to tag it. but hell, its good to get that off my chest.
the fucking end jerks.
however, i'm starting to feel a lot better than i have in months. for the first time in far too long i'm starting to see the sunshine again. i'm doing things for me, not because anyone wants me to do anything. i'm spending time talking to the people that matter and pushing away the people who don't. unfortunately, my 'best friend' got cut out in this process. i'm sorry sara, but could you possibly have been any less of a friend to me these last few months?
summer is just around the corner, a week away and i can taste it. i can taste the late nights, the long walks with nowhere specific to be, the freedom, the stress free lifestyle. I can taste it and it's making this last week far too hard to handle. I'm looking forward to it though. the weight of stress will, or at least should, be lifted off me. hopefully i'll be able to breathe again.
things are getting better. they're still not perfect, they probably won't be because i don't heal that easily. but i'm seeing the sunshine again. i'm getting the necessary light and i'm smiling true genuine smiles. they may not live here, but i have these true friends that'll back me up when i need a good smile.
i'm thrilled about warped tour. i'm going to go by myself, of course, but somehow that's been a comforting thought. i'll get to hang out with maddi all day, and spend time with a girl who makes me happy far too often. plus, if plans work out, i'll spend august 1st through the 6th or 7th with her.
and haley of course, she's been sticking with me through far too much shit than i give her credit for. she's been the one i turn too when i'm bawling my eyes out, or even the one that i turn to when i'm moments away from making the final decision to take my own life, and i'm curled into a ball under my bed too weak to cry. i owe her my life, there's nothing i can say to make that sound even better in the slightest. things are just that simple, if it weren't those nights, i would have taken my own life months ago.
madi, my darling esme, has been such a good friend to me these last few weeks. i've known her for a year and she's that person i turn to when i have a problem with a story. she's the only one i know who won't think i'm the world's strangest person because i'm frustrated that my characters aren't yapping in my head. i owe her a lot. sanity, maybe. i don't know what i'd do without her.
alexa and malissie, you make me laugh so much. you have no idea.
but....
however...
i feel like i have to say something about sara.
you, my sara, my BEST friend, simply don't fit those words anymore. you used to be the person i would turn to whenever i was having a problem. you used to be able to help me fix things and then you would genuinely care about seeing me. i'm so fucking sick of putting the effort forward into a friendship that isn't going anywhere.
don't apologize, i hope you choke and die.
i'm feeling optimistic and happy for the first time in months, i think cutting her out of my life might just be for the best, and i'm sorry that i was forced to come to that conclusion. i'm sorry that a good majority of my friends are angry for me posting my feelings.
i speak my feelings.
like, for example. i don't give a fucking shit about your boyfriend. i don't care that you fucked him, or where you did it or even how it was. i don't care. if you need something from me, i'd be there, but you never do. i don't care that you hate your family because you can't see your boyfriend. i'm not going to be the replacement friend because you have a boyfriend who is working or out of town. i'm not going to be the person you turn to only when there's a problem, but could care less when i'm hurting. i'm not a convience friend.
if that's sucky for you, well, let's reconcider our friendship, shall we?
well, another thing, i didn't make journalism. oh well, i don't need a shitty high school newspaper to tell me that i'm a good writer. i know i am. i can handle the rejection. don't worry about me, hannibal high school.
this has been a rambling mess, and i'm not even sure how to tag it. but hell, its good to get that off my chest.
the fucking end jerks.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
i'll get up in the morning:
so i've realized that it's probably not everyone else, its probably just me.
i'm so fucking antisocial that it's not even funny.
i'm so fucking antisocial that it's not even funny.
Monday, May 5, 2008
over the mountains:
it's getting difficult to breathe. the world is closing in again and i'm feeling helpless. i'm letting myself slip again. but this time is different. this time i'm not letting myself slip too far.
Friday, April 18, 2008
i'm so sorry, i'm so, so sorry.
i'm so so so so so sorry.
but it'd be lying to say that i don't ache the way the blade feels on my wrist right now.
something just crashed, help me.
but it'd be lying to say that i don't ache the way the blade feels on my wrist right now.
something just crashed, help me.
apparently alice cullen is hungry:
the sea shores (5:40:56 PM): VAMPIRES HAVE IT GOOD
the sea shores (5:41:01 PM): THEY CAN'T GET SICK.
marena de cheval (5:41:05 PM): then what are you?!
the sea shores (5:43:24 PM): : i was speaking as a human tbqh
marena de cheval (5:44:30 PM): ....
marena de cheval (5:44:34 PM): is there something you're not telling me?
marena de cheval (5:44:35 PM): alice?
marena de cheval (5:44:39 PM): if that is your real name.
the sea shores (5:44:56 PM): *slaps you*
the sea shores (5:45:03 PM): YES THAT IS MY REAL NAME.
the sea shores (5:45:12 PM): GO BACK TO FALLING OVER.
marena de cheval (5:45:23 PM): I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP IN FALLING OVER.
the sea shores (5:46:07 PM): I SEE A FALL IN YOUR FUTURE
marena de cheval (5:46:24 PM): NO, YOU DO NOT.
the sea shores (5:47:11 PM): DONT QUESTION MY POWERS.
marena de cheval (5:47:48 PM): YOUR POWERS ARE SLIPPING, YOU DIDN'T SEE THE VAMPIRE COME INTO MY BEDROOM!
the sea shores (5:48:08 PM): I WASN'T FOCUSING ON THAT BELLA
the sea shores (5:48:18 PM): JESUS YOU'RE DIFFICULT TODAY.
marena de cheval (5:48:32 PM): AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING OUT FOR MY SAFETY
the sea shores (5:48:54 PM): THERE ISNT DANGER RIGHT NOW
marena de cheval (5:49:04 PM): FALLING.
the sea shores (5:49:16 PM): THAT'S AVERAGE DANGER.
marena de cheval (5:49:26 PM): EDWARD WILL NOT BE PLEASED.
the sea shores (5:51:04 PM): YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT DESPITE MY HEIGHT, I CAN KICK HIS ASS.
marena de cheval (5:53:14 PM): PSH, YEAH RIGHT.
the sea shores (5:53:27 PM): PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.
the sea shores (5:53:28 PM): FINE.
the sea shores (5:53:50 PM): WHEN EDWARD AND CARLISLE TELL YOU THAT THEY'RE NOT GOING TO TURN YOU INTO A VAMPIRE, YOU CAN'T COME TO ME.
the sea shores (5:53:53 PM): :
the sea shores (5:53:57 PM): HOW ABOUT
the sea shores (5:53:59 PM): THEM
the sea shores (5:54:01 PM): APPLES?
marena de cheval (5:54:16 PM): edward wouldn't do that to me.
the sea shores (5:54:41 PM): Or so you think.
marena de cheval (5:54:45 PM): what do you see.
the sea shores (5:55:02 PM): I'm not telling.
the sea shores (5:55:05 PM): You're being mean.
the sea shores (5:55:08 PM): And I'm hungry.
marena de cheval (5:55:17 PM): hungry?
the sea shores (5:55:26 PM): HUNGRY
marena de cheval (5:55:35 PM): what color are your eyes?!
the sea shores (5:55:50 PM): NOT ~*~*TOPAZ*~**~
marena de cheval (5:56:05 PM): yeah well i'm still safe!
the sea shores (5:57:22 PM): FOR NOW.
the sea shores (5:41:01 PM): THEY CAN'T GET SICK.
marena de cheval (5:41:05 PM): then what are you?!
the sea shores (5:43:24 PM): : i was speaking as a human tbqh
marena de cheval (5:44:30 PM): ....
marena de cheval (5:44:34 PM): is there something you're not telling me?
marena de cheval (5:44:35 PM): alice?
marena de cheval (5:44:39 PM): if that is your real name.
the sea shores (5:44:56 PM): *slaps you*
the sea shores (5:45:03 PM): YES THAT IS MY REAL NAME.
the sea shores (5:45:12 PM): GO BACK TO FALLING OVER.
marena de cheval (5:45:23 PM): I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP IN FALLING OVER.
the sea shores (5:46:07 PM): I SEE A FALL IN YOUR FUTURE
marena de cheval (5:46:24 PM): NO, YOU DO NOT.
the sea shores (5:47:11 PM): DONT QUESTION MY POWERS.
marena de cheval (5:47:48 PM): YOUR POWERS ARE SLIPPING, YOU DIDN'T SEE THE VAMPIRE COME INTO MY BEDROOM!
the sea shores (5:48:08 PM): I WASN'T FOCUSING ON THAT BELLA
the sea shores (5:48:18 PM): JESUS YOU'RE DIFFICULT TODAY.
marena de cheval (5:48:32 PM): AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING OUT FOR MY SAFETY
the sea shores (5:48:54 PM): THERE ISNT DANGER RIGHT NOW
marena de cheval (5:49:04 PM): FALLING.
the sea shores (5:49:16 PM): THAT'S AVERAGE DANGER.
marena de cheval (5:49:26 PM): EDWARD WILL NOT BE PLEASED.
the sea shores (5:51:04 PM): YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT DESPITE MY HEIGHT, I CAN KICK HIS ASS.
marena de cheval (5:53:14 PM): PSH, YEAH RIGHT.
the sea shores (5:53:27 PM): PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.
the sea shores (5:53:28 PM): FINE.
the sea shores (5:53:50 PM): WHEN EDWARD AND CARLISLE TELL YOU THAT THEY'RE NOT GOING TO TURN YOU INTO A VAMPIRE, YOU CAN'T COME TO ME.
the sea shores (5:53:53 PM): :
the sea shores (5:53:57 PM): HOW ABOUT
the sea shores (5:53:59 PM): THEM
the sea shores (5:54:01 PM): APPLES?
marena de cheval (5:54:16 PM): edward wouldn't do that to me.
the sea shores (5:54:41 PM): Or so you think.
marena de cheval (5:54:45 PM): what do you see.
the sea shores (5:55:02 PM): I'm not telling.
the sea shores (5:55:05 PM): You're being mean.
the sea shores (5:55:08 PM): And I'm hungry.
marena de cheval (5:55:17 PM): hungry?
the sea shores (5:55:26 PM): HUNGRY
marena de cheval (5:55:35 PM): what color are your eyes?!
the sea shores (5:55:50 PM): NOT ~*~*TOPAZ*~**~
marena de cheval (5:56:05 PM): yeah well i'm still safe!
the sea shores (5:57:22 PM): FOR NOW.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
my balance issues are ruining me:
marena de cheval: well, its time for me to go jump off a cliff!
the sea shores: nonononono
marena de cheval: lmao yes
marena de cheval: i'm all in to extreme sports these days
the sea shores: HAHAHHAHAH
marena de cheval: but srsly, i always said if pete wentz got married and started to reproduce, i was going to jump off a cliff.
the sea shores: NO
the sea shores: DON'T JUMP OFF A CLIFF
marena de cheval: you can come too!
the sea shores: I NEED SOMEONE TO SQUEEL OVER RPATTZ WITH
the sea shores: NONONO
the sea shores: I WANT TO LIIVEEEEEE.
the sea shores: oh wait
the sea shores: i'm immortal
the sea shores: WELL I STILL WANT TO LIIIIVEEEEEEEEEe
marena de cheval: wanna jump off a cliff with me?
the sea shores: no.
the sea shores: :
the sea shores: BE REASONABLE, BELLA*~*~*~
marena de cheval: okay, if you insist i'll keep both feet on the ground!
marena de cheval: but, knowing me it might be safer to say "i won't jump off a cliff."
marena de cheval: because you know about my balance issues.
the sea shores: nonononono
marena de cheval: lmao yes
marena de cheval: i'm all in to extreme sports these days
the sea shores: HAHAHHAHAH
marena de cheval: but srsly, i always said if pete wentz got married and started to reproduce, i was going to jump off a cliff.
the sea shores: NO
the sea shores: DON'T JUMP OFF A CLIFF
marena de cheval: you can come too!
the sea shores: I NEED SOMEONE TO SQUEEL OVER RPATTZ WITH
the sea shores: NONONO
the sea shores: I WANT TO LIIVEEEEEE.
the sea shores: oh wait
the sea shores: i'm immortal
the sea shores: WELL I STILL WANT TO LIIIIVEEEEEEEEEe
marena de cheval: wanna jump off a cliff with me?
the sea shores: no.
the sea shores: :
the sea shores: BE REASONABLE, BELLA*~*~*~
marena de cheval: okay, if you insist i'll keep both feet on the ground!
marena de cheval: but, knowing me it might be safer to say "i won't jump off a cliff."
marena de cheval: because you know about my balance issues.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
"jasper is touching edward again!":
Tonight was fun and healthy in ways that my friendships haven't been lately. tonight was proof that friendships don't have to be a huge effort. malissie and brandi are proof of how amazing friends can be. malissie has been there since my freshman year, maybe in different forms, but lately she's proved herself to be more of just a friend. she's becoming my best friend and i'm thrilled. brandi i haven't really talked to since freshman year, but today we reconnected.
it was nice to be able to call someone and say "hey! wanna hang out" and them say yes. it was nice for them to be happy to see me. for us to gossip about twilight and playing wii and just hanging out. it was nice.
i hope i can do it again soon. because maybe it'll give me the strenth to smile. and more importantly, it'll give me the strength to push away the people that are hurting me. and there's more than one.
it was nice to be able to call someone and say "hey! wanna hang out" and them say yes. it was nice for them to be happy to see me. for us to gossip about twilight and playing wii and just hanging out. it was nice.
i hope i can do it again soon. because maybe it'll give me the strenth to smile. and more importantly, it'll give me the strength to push away the people that are hurting me. and there's more than one.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
twilight is taking over my life:
today was fun. just the first shift of work put me in an amazing mood. hanging out with malissie and tyler and being characters from twilight. i'm bella (i fall down a lot), she's edward (idk why, but it was so fun), and tyler is jacob. and as soon as she went on break, i dropped a thing of unfolded boxes on my head. she got back and i slid into a counter. then i dropped some stuff and almost fell down a lot.
when i say i'm bella, i mean it.
when i say i'm bella, i mean it.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
vampires will never hurt you:
marena de cheval (6:33:03 PM): aliceeee <33>the sea shores (6:33:09 PM): bella<33>marena de cheval (6:33:57 PM): bella loves alice more
the sea shores (6:34:49 PM): impossible.
marena de cheval (6:34:55 PM): WANNA BET ON IT?
the sea shores (6:34:59 PM): i've loved you longer, but you didn't know it yet.
the sea shores (6:35:03 PM): I SEE THE FUCKING FUTURE.
the sea shores (6:34:49 PM): impossible.
marena de cheval (6:34:55 PM): WANNA BET ON IT?
the sea shores (6:34:59 PM): i've loved you longer, but you didn't know it yet.
the sea shores (6:35:03 PM): I SEE THE FUCKING FUTURE.
Monday, March 24, 2008
i think this counts as the best 'happy birthday' i've ever recieved:
seized the brave (7:58:13 PM): pretty. odd comes out tomorrow!
mockumentaries (7:58:31 PM): :O
mockumentaries (7:58:40 PM): AND YOU TECHNICALLY CAME OUT OF YOUR MOTHER'S VAGINA TOMORROW.
seized the brave (7:58:54 PM): LMAO THANK YOU FOR THE GROSSNESS.
mockumentaries (7:59:07 PM): LMFAO I'M STRAIGHT FORWARD OKAY MARENA?
seized the brave (7:59:17 PM): I GAGGED, LITERALLY.
mockumentaries (7:58:31 PM): :O
mockumentaries (7:58:40 PM): AND YOU TECHNICALLY CAME OUT OF YOUR MOTHER'S VAGINA TOMORROW.
seized the brave (7:58:54 PM): LMAO THANK YOU FOR THE GROSSNESS.
mockumentaries (7:59:07 PM): LMFAO I'M STRAIGHT FORWARD OKAY MARENA?
seized the brave (7:59:17 PM): I GAGGED, LITERALLY.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
if we try, we can leave this behind:
sara and alexa came over to my house last night and it was so great, just having them here and even the moments we weren't directly talking to each other, it was incredible just to have them here, in the same room. we haven't done something like this since summer and i was ready for it. over the fall and winter, we somehow got caught up in our own lives (all of us. not just one, all.) and we seemed to have fogotten about each other.
our friendships seemed to have melted away at that point.
but last night. maybe it was the birthday thing, or me needing them, or just the fact that it's spring now and renewal time, but we're closer than ever.
----
oh, and since i've been lazy:
happy birthday to you. happy birthday to you. happy birthday dear cecelia, whitney, sara, alexa, kate, avery, and papa. happy birthday to you.
i love each and every one
our friendships seemed to have melted away at that point.
but last night. maybe it was the birthday thing, or me needing them, or just the fact that it's spring now and renewal time, but we're closer than ever.
----
oh, and since i've been lazy:
happy birthday to you. happy birthday to you. happy birthday dear cecelia, whitney, sara, alexa, kate, avery, and papa. happy birthday to you.
i love each and every one
of you very, very much.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
fuck you, alright?
i trusted you, i really did.
and now you just hurt me.
but i guess i deserved it.
ps. I'm the biggest asshole on the planet and i'm so, so sorry.
and now you just hurt me.
but i guess i deserved it.
ps. I'm the biggest asshole on the planet and i'm so, so sorry.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
i know its sad that i never gave a damn about the weather, and it never gave a damn about me.
i would like to issue an apology to everyone i've talked to in the last few weeks, i've been the biggest asshole on the planet.
this one though, majorly goes out to sara, who is and will always be my best friend, even though sometimes i like to get angry and say that i don't see the point in being friends with you. you truly are a good friend to me, and you've always been there when I need you. I tend to blow the things you say to me out of proportion and that makes me mad at you.
i love you to death, bff.
ps the new panic song is pretty. cool
this one though, majorly goes out to sara, who is and will always be my best friend, even though sometimes i like to get angry and say that i don't see the point in being friends with you. you truly are a good friend to me, and you've always been there when I need you. I tend to blow the things you say to me out of proportion and that makes me mad at you.
i love you to death, bff.
ps the new panic song is pretty. cool
Thursday, February 28, 2008
i miss these kinds of things:
i had a dream last night that alexa, sara, and i had a sleepover. It was in my room going through numerous boxes of my stuff, making jokes out of it, laughing. I woke up and cried for thirty minutes because that's exactly how it was six months ago. But something happened and now we don't love each other like that.
well, i still love you two.
well, i still love you two.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
v's really do have feelings:
seized the brave (4:08:37 PM): :] v
seized the brave (4:08:47 PM): ignore the random v
frail as breath (4:08:58 PM): lol no i won't ignore it
seized the brave (4:09:20 PM): YES YOU WILL
frail as breath (4:09:33 PM): NO I WON'TR
frail as breath (4:09:36 PM): WON'T*
seized the brave (4:09:46 PM): :[ why not
frail as breath (4:10:12 PM): cause i don't wannaaaaaaa
seized the brave (4:11:55 PM): but it wants to be ~alone
frail as breath (4:12:04 PM): oh well!
seized the brave (4:12:56 PM): why won't you respect its wishes?!
frail as breath (4:13:27 PM): cause it's just a v!
seized the brave (4:13:30 PM): SO?
frail as breath (4:14:16 PM): IT DOESN'T HAVE WISHES
seized the brave (4:14:31 PM): DOES TOO.
seized the brave (4:14:45 PM): IT WANTS TO BE A W BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE A SIAMESE TWIN
frail as breath (4:15:47 PM): WELL WHAT A SHAME
seized the brave (4:15:54 PM): ....
seized the brave (4:16:00 PM): what the hell are we talking about?
frail as breath (4:16:09 PM): lmfao i have no idea
seized the brave (4:08:47 PM): ignore the random v
frail as breath (4:08:58 PM): lol no i won't ignore it
seized the brave (4:09:20 PM): YES YOU WILL
frail as breath (4:09:33 PM): NO I WON'TR
frail as breath (4:09:36 PM): WON'T*
seized the brave (4:09:46 PM): :[ why not
frail as breath (4:10:12 PM): cause i don't wannaaaaaaa
seized the brave (4:11:55 PM): but it wants to be ~alone
frail as breath (4:12:04 PM): oh well!
seized the brave (4:12:56 PM): why won't you respect its wishes?!
frail as breath (4:13:27 PM): cause it's just a v!
seized the brave (4:13:30 PM): SO?
frail as breath (4:14:16 PM): IT DOESN'T HAVE WISHES
seized the brave (4:14:31 PM): DOES TOO.
seized the brave (4:14:45 PM): IT WANTS TO BE A W BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE A SIAMESE TWIN
frail as breath (4:15:47 PM): WELL WHAT A SHAME
seized the brave (4:15:54 PM): ....
seized the brave (4:16:00 PM): what the hell are we talking about?
frail as breath (4:16:09 PM): lmfao i have no idea
Thursday, February 21, 2008
this is honestly something that makes me happy:
began to burn (10:16:50 PM): i can honestly
began to burn (10:16:51 PM): and sincerely say
began to burn (10:16:53 PM): i love you too
began to burn (10:16:51 PM): and sincerely say
began to burn (10:16:53 PM): i love you too
because i need some happy:
- Picture me, six years old and still incredibly anxious about the concept of school. I'm in kindergarten, the afternoon kind where i go in when the 'big kids' are having lunch. Except at that time, I didn't know that LUNCH was what they were doing in that big room. I wouldn't learn for another year or so. And even then I couldn't grasp the concept of anyone eating this nasty school lunch when there was a great-grandma out there that would willingly fix mountains of mashed potatoes and mac & cheese.
- Age unknown. Me, at my great-grandma's house. My grandpa, is a farmer. Kind of. But he was bundling the hay or whatever they called it. And I'm just a little kid but he willingly lets me drive the tractor. I was never to small for him.
- December 15th, 2007. Seeing Wicked with Sara. First time in a long time I'd really felt a part of a real, healthy friendship.
fuck this. i can't do this anymore.
i give up, give in.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
bring me up, take it off, let's just touch:
today when i got home from work my mom had some pictures developed. just those weird film containers that we'd stuck in the back of a drawer and forgotten about. those contained dozens of pictures of me from the ages of 11-14.
i look back at those and remember the time in my life. back when i was young and thought that i was halfway done with my life. because my life back then was my school years.
now, as a junior in high school, only a year away from graduating, i think about how my life has yet to begin.
ps: thank you for hugging me today instead of telling me that i'm crazy. and also for coming up and assuring me that nothing was going to happen to us. and telling me that you loved me.
its you that makes me feel special. all you.
i look back at those and remember the time in my life. back when i was young and thought that i was halfway done with my life. because my life back then was my school years.
now, as a junior in high school, only a year away from graduating, i think about how my life has yet to begin.
ps: thank you for hugging me today instead of telling me that i'm crazy. and also for coming up and assuring me that nothing was going to happen to us. and telling me that you loved me.
its you that makes me feel special. all you.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
this is flattery these days:
gaylor goes home: anyway i was watching Criminal Minds earlier
gaylor goes home: and in the episode these three best friends got kidnapepd and were put in this little cell, and it was cold and they didn't have any food or water for a week and the girls started fighting, and the dude that kidnapped them said two of you can leave alive if one of you stays to die
gaylor goes home: and they were like what nooo and then he was like oh but you have to chose to stays
gaylor goes home: choose*
gaylor goes home: and they were like no! but then they were fighting and stuff like, arguing. and then two of the girls were like well the other girl is sick, so she'll probably die anyway. we can get out! and they were like ok we decided who leaves! and the guy threw two hammers into the cell
gaylor goes home: and they were like wtf we have to kill her ourselves?
seized the brave: omg are you kidding me?
gaylor goes home: and so while the two that initially agreed to kill the other friend so they could leave were fighting, the sick friend got up behind the meaner girl and whacked her in the back of the head with a hammer
gaylor goes home: and i was just thinking
gaylor goes home: i would never, ever do that to anyone and i don't think you would either so if i had to be stuck in a cell for a week
gaylor goes home: i'd want it to be with you
gaylor goes home: and in the episode these three best friends got kidnapepd and were put in this little cell, and it was cold and they didn't have any food or water for a week and the girls started fighting, and the dude that kidnapped them said two of you can leave alive if one of you stays to die
gaylor goes home: and they were like what nooo and then he was like oh but you have to chose to stays
gaylor goes home: choose*
gaylor goes home: and they were like no! but then they were fighting and stuff like, arguing. and then two of the girls were like well the other girl is sick, so she'll probably die anyway. we can get out! and they were like ok we decided who leaves! and the guy threw two hammers into the cell
gaylor goes home: and they were like wtf we have to kill her ourselves?
seized the brave: omg are you kidding me?
gaylor goes home: and so while the two that initially agreed to kill the other friend so they could leave were fighting, the sick friend got up behind the meaner girl and whacked her in the back of the head with a hammer
gaylor goes home: and i was just thinking
gaylor goes home: i would never, ever do that to anyone and i don't think you would either so if i had to be stuck in a cell for a week
gaylor goes home: i'd want it to be with you
Monday, January 21, 2008
another reason:
patientxnxteddy: And once I couldn't see the car, I drove without thinking to teh park because I just knew. No matter what its you and that park.
honestly, i love you because of this comment.
honestly, i love you because of this comment.
i'm sentimental, but last time I checked that wasn't bad:
Today was one of those days where I was overwhelmed with emotions. Happy, Sad, Dorky, Angry, if it's an emotion, it was me today.
Today I hung out with Sara, Jakob, and Eric. It started out with Sara and Jakob coming here to watch tv, ending up with me and Eric standing out at my grandma's house kissing. Isn't it funny how things change?
One part of my day that stands out, is Eric and I hiding from Sara and Jakob. Going to the park. My park. That special place of mine. And I was struck with the memories of my life, what was it? Eight months ago? My grandpa died about that long ago and my life did a 180. And honestly, I hated him. I hated him for dying and leaving me here all alone. He was one person I could depend on and he was gone in a flash. I'll never forget that day. Ever. But today wasn't about that.
And this post won't be either.
Today I found myself standing at the park, on the sidelines but still a part of it. I stood watching Eric, Jakob, and Sara, two of those people being contributing factors to the reason I get up and out of bed in the morning, playing on the merry-go-round thing. It was freezing cold with snow coming down and sticking to our hair, but we still stayed there going round and round and I still stood by the swings and watched. And I was flashed back to six months ago, nearly to the day, when a group of my closest friends went downtown to hang out. And then there were people who I still can't believe had the lasting effect that they have.
I remember going to the park, it was very, very close to the fourth of July. And we were on that and we were all spinning around in circles. This was back before anything happened with Eric and I, back when Tyler and I still tried to make things work. Back when Sara and I still talked about the stupidest things, but she was still too untrusting to tell me everything about her. Back before things happened. We were going around in circles and laughing and loving and caring about each other.
Today brought that feeling back. Things have changed. Things have happened. Boyfriends stood in the way of friendship, new crushes, crushes have turned into boyfriends and things have changed. I've been in counselling and have grown to the point where a year ago I would have said you were crazy if this could have been predicted.
But today, standing and watching them, my friends, go around in circles after everything brought me back to that time. Back when I thought my life was absolutely perfect and I wanted to relive that day. That park, the only park in town still remaining with a decent swingset, my park, our park, the park that time forgot. That merry-go-round brings back the happiest memories. Sometimes I think it's magic, and spins me back in time.
Being there with Sara today made me think. Our friendship has been tested over the last few months. Sara means so much to me for many reasons, but one that stands out to me today is the fact that she couldn't have came into my life at a better time. She emerged as a genuine friend to me when I needed her the most, just a few weeks after my grandpa died. And unlike most people, she's stuck through and been there for me ever since. And rain, sunshine, snow, no matter the weather she'll be there for me. Just like my heart and my memories will always be at that park.
Today I hung out with Sara, Jakob, and Eric. It started out with Sara and Jakob coming here to watch tv, ending up with me and Eric standing out at my grandma's house kissing. Isn't it funny how things change?
One part of my day that stands out, is Eric and I hiding from Sara and Jakob. Going to the park. My park. That special place of mine. And I was struck with the memories of my life, what was it? Eight months ago? My grandpa died about that long ago and my life did a 180. And honestly, I hated him. I hated him for dying and leaving me here all alone. He was one person I could depend on and he was gone in a flash. I'll never forget that day. Ever. But today wasn't about that.
And this post won't be either.
Today I found myself standing at the park, on the sidelines but still a part of it. I stood watching Eric, Jakob, and Sara, two of those people being contributing factors to the reason I get up and out of bed in the morning, playing on the merry-go-round thing. It was freezing cold with snow coming down and sticking to our hair, but we still stayed there going round and round and I still stood by the swings and watched. And I was flashed back to six months ago, nearly to the day, when a group of my closest friends went downtown to hang out. And then there were people who I still can't believe had the lasting effect that they have.
I remember going to the park, it was very, very close to the fourth of July. And we were on that and we were all spinning around in circles. This was back before anything happened with Eric and I, back when Tyler and I still tried to make things work. Back when Sara and I still talked about the stupidest things, but she was still too untrusting to tell me everything about her. Back before things happened. We were going around in circles and laughing and loving and caring about each other.
Today brought that feeling back. Things have changed. Things have happened. Boyfriends stood in the way of friendship, new crushes, crushes have turned into boyfriends and things have changed. I've been in counselling and have grown to the point where a year ago I would have said you were crazy if this could have been predicted.
But today, standing and watching them, my friends, go around in circles after everything brought me back to that time. Back when I thought my life was absolutely perfect and I wanted to relive that day. That park, the only park in town still remaining with a decent swingset, my park, our park, the park that time forgot. That merry-go-round brings back the happiest memories. Sometimes I think it's magic, and spins me back in time.
Being there with Sara today made me think. Our friendship has been tested over the last few months. Sara means so much to me for many reasons, but one that stands out to me today is the fact that she couldn't have came into my life at a better time. She emerged as a genuine friend to me when I needed her the most, just a few weeks after my grandpa died. And unlike most people, she's stuck through and been there for me ever since. And rain, sunshine, snow, no matter the weather she'll be there for me. Just like my heart and my memories will always be at that park.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
i'll swim the ocean for you, the ocean for you:
first kiss, being held, being loved. being grabbed and kissed and kissed while cudding on the couch and kissed when i'm dropped off at home. kisses kisses kisses.
i'm happy.
ps. if i could make out to any song in the world, it would be kelsey by metro station
i'm happy.
ps. if i could make out to any song in the world, it would be kelsey by metro station
Saturday, January 12, 2008
on top of the world:
pictures from the other night. feeling alive. happy. you won't see me in these because ha! i was the photographer of course.
this is how i feel, it's so so real.
these two people mean alot to me. possibly more than they could ever imagine.
i love the colors in these pictures. :] 
do you ever feel alive like this?
Saturday, January 5, 2008
i'd like to think they'd call me unique:
i've always been a dreamer. i've always been the kid with the overactive imagination, always thinking up worlds that would be better than the one i live in. i've always pretended to be someone else because it's so much easier than being myself. my stories were always prancing around in my head, and still are, and its sometimes hard to focus on something.
i've always been the kid who hates change. i've always wanted things my way. i'm selfish, bratty, and spoiled. i set my mind to things and want them right away, and then get upset when things to go the way i want them to.
i like to exaggerate things, i like to make up things. i love living.
one day there will be a celebration throughout oz that's all to do with me:
"2007 was the best year of my life.
i've never found so much. i've never
grown so much.
And yet, it also feels true to say that 2007 was the hardest
year of my
life.
i've never lost so much, and i've never hurt so
much.
Perhaps you can relate."
This quote is all too true for me. This last year I have lost my grandpa and have had dozens of new responsibilities shoved on me. I was forced to grow up, to learn to take care of myself, to push myself away enough so that i wouldn't be so lost when someone wasn't there for me. I changed as a person, from this naive, shallow girl to something that i haven't quite figured out yet.
i'm still naive, i'm still shallow, i'm still a kid who knows nothing about the world.
but now i believe in love, i believe in loss. i believe in hate, regret, and all these other things that i pushed myself to stop believing in in the past.
i'm not happy, i'm nowhere near happy, but i'm trying.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
i can't wait to see you again:
god i'm such a girlie girl all of a sudden. i get excited when eric texts me and a tad sad when he's not. i like being around him, i like talking to him, i enjoy going out and doing things with him. even WORKING with him makes me happy and excited.
tonight we went to go see alvin and the chipmonks. cutest movie ever, i laughed the whole way through. then we went to java jive and i decided to not be a wimp and order something hot. keep in mind that i just got the same thing i always get, just the...hot version? lmao idk.
and then he kissed me on the cheek when i got home and even that made me feel giddy and girlie and i like it alot. :]
tonight we went to go see alvin and the chipmonks. cutest movie ever, i laughed the whole way through. then we went to java jive and i decided to not be a wimp and order something hot. keep in mind that i just got the same thing i always get, just the...hot version? lmao idk.
and then he kissed me on the cheek when i got home and even that made me feel giddy and girlie and i like it alot. :]
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
why he is amazing:
"I'm so tired and cold."
"Me tooo"
"I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Maybe I'll stay home."
"No! You can't!"
"Well. Maybe I'll just skip everything and then come for forensics to see you!"
"And give me a ride home?"
"Of course!"
"Me tooo"
"I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Maybe I'll stay home."
"No! You can't!"
"Well. Maybe I'll just skip everything and then come for forensics to see you!"
"And give me a ride home?"
"Of course!"
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
hooked on phonics would be great for me:
seized the brave: LMAO YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL DEFINITELY EITHER?
frail as breath: NO
seized the brave: i always spell it definately
frail as breath: ME TOO OMG
seized the brave: lol at me *~sounding out my words
frail as breath: hahaha
seized the brave: DEF-FIN-NATE-LEE
frail as breath: lolz
seized the brave: i'm going to spell it deffinnatelee now
frail as breath: WAY TO GET OFF THE SUBJECT
seized the brave: deffinnatelee
frail as breath: =[
seized the brave: lmao that's alot of work to type that out
frail as breath: lol
seized the brave: HAY-LEE
seized the brave: I LOVE YOU HAY-LEE
frail as breath: OMG
frail as breath: STOP SOUNDING OUT YOUR WORDS
seized the brave: :[
seized the brave: BUT ITS WHAT THEY TAUGHT ME IN KIN-DER-GUARD-TEN
frail as breath: NO
seized the brave: i always spell it definately
frail as breath: ME TOO OMG
seized the brave: lol at me *~sounding out my words
frail as breath: hahaha
seized the brave: DEF-FIN-NATE-LEE
frail as breath: lolz
seized the brave: i'm going to spell it deffinnatelee now
frail as breath: WAY TO GET OFF THE SUBJECT
seized the brave: deffinnatelee
frail as breath: =[
seized the brave: lmao that's alot of work to type that out
frail as breath: lol
seized the brave: HAY-LEE
seized the brave: I LOVE YOU HAY-LEE
frail as breath: OMG
frail as breath: STOP SOUNDING OUT YOUR WORDS
seized the brave: :[
seized the brave: BUT ITS WHAT THEY TAUGHT ME IN KIN-DER-GUARD-TEN
you don't have to worry, we're still the same:
the first day of the new year was fantastic, a day that truly gives me hope about this new year.
despite getting up incredibly early (8 am) after going to bed very late (5ish am) and feeling pretty much dead all day, it was still fun. i spent a good part of the day with my family, and then work where everyone was out of it and happy and fun.
i have this overwhelming feeling of goodness over me right now and that can only be good.
[i don't really want to talk about how i stood outside yesterday and screamed at nothing/my dead grandpa because i secretly blame him for everything that has happened to me over the last year. i don't want to feel that way.]
resolutions that i definitely won't stick to, but i'll tryy:
despite getting up incredibly early (8 am) after going to bed very late (5ish am) and feeling pretty much dead all day, it was still fun. i spent a good part of the day with my family, and then work where everyone was out of it and happy and fun.
i have this overwhelming feeling of goodness over me right now and that can only be good.
[i don't really want to talk about how i stood outside yesterday and screamed at nothing/my dead grandpa because i secretly blame him for everything that has happened to me over the last year. i don't want to feel that way.]
resolutions that i definitely won't stick to, but i'll tryy:
- no fights with haley.
- no fights with sara.
- smiles on my face, true genuine smiles.
- convince my parents to let me go to north carolina
- learn how to spell DEFINITELY without a spell check.
that is all! :]
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