home for the weekend looking for a good time:

may nineteenth is slowly approaching and i'm less ready for the date than you could ever imagine. it's no longer simply 'the day my grandpa died', but it's also the first day i'll spend in high school without malissie, technically my first day as a senior, and the beginning of finals. great. that's just fabulous.

however, i'm starting to feel a lot better than i have in months. for the first time in far too long i'm starting to see the sunshine again. i'm doing things for me, not because anyone wants me to do anything. i'm spending time talking to the people that matter and pushing away the people who don't. unfortunately, my 'best friend' got cut out in this process. i'm sorry sara, but could you possibly have been any less of a friend to me these last few months?

summer is just around the corner, a week away and i can taste it. i can taste the late nights, the long walks with nowhere specific to be, the freedom, the stress free lifestyle. I can taste it and it's making this last week far too hard to handle. I'm looking forward to it though. the weight of stress will, or at least should, be lifted off me. hopefully i'll be able to breathe again.

things are getting better. they're still not perfect, they probably won't be because i don't heal that easily. but i'm seeing the sunshine again. i'm getting the necessary light and i'm smiling true genuine smiles. they may not live here, but i have these true friends that'll back me up when i need a good smile.

i'm thrilled about warped tour. i'm going to go by myself, of course, but somehow that's been a comforting thought. i'll get to hang out with maddi all day, and spend time with a girl who makes me happy far too often. plus, if plans work out, i'll spend august 1st through the 6th or 7th with her.

and haley of course, she's been sticking with me through far too much shit than i give her credit for. she's been the one i turn too when i'm bawling my eyes out, or even the one that i turn to when i'm moments away from making the final decision to take my own life, and i'm curled into a ball under my bed too weak to cry. i owe her my life, there's nothing i can say to make that sound even better in the slightest. things are just that simple, if it weren't those nights, i would have taken my own life months ago.

madi, my darling esme, has been such a good friend to me these last few weeks. i've known her for a year and she's that person i turn to when i have a problem with a story. she's the only one i know who won't think i'm the world's strangest person because i'm frustrated that my characters aren't yapping in my head. i owe her a lot. sanity, maybe. i don't know what i'd do without her.

alexa and malissie, you make me laugh so much. you have no idea.

but....

however...

i feel like i have to say something about sara.

you, my sara, my BEST friend, simply don't fit those words anymore. you used to be the person i would turn to whenever i was having a problem. you used to be able to help me fix things and then you would genuinely care about seeing me. i'm so fucking sick of putting the effort forward into a friendship that isn't going anywhere.

don't apologize, i hope you choke and die.

i'm feeling optimistic and happy for the first time in months, i think cutting her out of my life might just be for the best, and i'm sorry that i was forced to come to that conclusion. i'm sorry that a good majority of my friends are angry for me posting my feelings.

i speak my feelings.

like, for example. i don't give a fucking shit about your boyfriend. i don't care that you fucked him, or where you did it or even how it was. i don't care. if you need something from me, i'd be there, but you never do. i don't care that you hate your family because you can't see your boyfriend. i'm not going to be the replacement friend because you have a boyfriend who is working or out of town. i'm not going to be the person you turn to only when there's a problem, but could care less when i'm hurting. i'm not a convience friend.

if that's sucky for you, well, let's reconcider our friendship, shall we?

well, another thing, i didn't make journalism. oh well, i don't need a shitty high school newspaper to tell me that i'm a good writer. i know i am. i can handle the rejection. don't worry about me, hannibal high school.

this has been a rambling mess, and i'm not even sure how to tag it. but hell, its good to get that off my chest.

the fucking end jerks.