things get so fucked up when you get your heart involved:

but then it's nights like this. nights when we've gotten over a fight and she's distant. nights that make me feel like i'm being ripped in half. every second that passes feels like another stab at my heart. i know it's not her fault that she's not talking to me right now, but still i long for her voice. i hope she comes back soon or it's going to be a long time before i sleep.

tonight i went out with friends in my desperate attempt in getting my thoughts away from her. it didn't work. i should have known better because nothing ever takes my thoughts away from her. i could be far, far away, at a concert or meeting someone important to me and my thoughts would still be on her. i should know better.

last night was a disaster, and i really should have known better. i might as well write 'fuck up' across my forehead because that's how i feel. i hurt her, and i didn't mean to, but i did. i should have known better because it's my girlfriend and i should know what hurts her. i should have known and yeah, i probably did know but i'm still a fuck up.

there's a blade in my guitar case for safe keeping. i don't intend on using it, but i feel comfort in knowing that it's there. i hate relying on that feeling. i hate even thinking about it. it's been five months and 12 days. i don't need it, but it sure as hell feels like it.

christmas is in four days, one hour, and twelve minutes. it feels more like it should be months from now. the last few months have flown by. my senior year is slipping away from me. and to be honest, i'm glad. i'm looking forward to freedom.

i'm sitting in my living room right now, my laptop screen and the red, pink, orange, blue, and green lights of my christmas tree are the only things i see. words are flowing through my head. i write the best when i'm depressed.

depressed. depression. i hate those words. two words that to others, are meaningless. but to me, they mean life or death. depression makes me feel like i'm being crushed. i look at other people, people who are laughing and happy, and i think of cartoon characters. you know, the ones that get the anvil dropped on their heads and they just bounce back up like a spring. i, unfortunately, am not like that. i fall apart. i break. i am broken.

i don't write anymore because the words don't flow. when i'm happy, i don't feel like myself.

and you have no idea how pathetic that makes me feel.