New Years Resolutions/Projects

• 365 project - 1 photo every day for 365 days.
  you can check mine out at http://starsonharbors365.tumblr.com or athttp://starsonharbors.blogspot.com
• Get Your Words Out - 250,000 words pledge
  http://community.livejournal.com/getyourwordsout - my username is hipsandxhearts
• NaNoWriMo 2010 - 50,000 words in November 2010
  my username is seizedthebrave, feel free to add me.
• Finish We Fall From Stars before June 1st
• Update Blogger weekly
  my blogger is http://fortheairwaves.blogspot.com, email me at mknxw3@mizzou.edu for an invite.
• Be happy.

2009 - A Year In Review

First Song of 2009: America's Sweethearts - Fall Out Boy

January



January was a new beginning for me. It marked the beginning of a new year - my graduation year - the beginning of a new semester at school, my last semester at high school, at that. Also, in the beginning of January, I found myself moving to a new house. Which really, the house was only up the street from my old one, but it's much nicer. On January 9th, 2010, the day that we moved, I found a letter in the mail. It was one I had been waiting for, but it didn't contain what I expected it to. Instead of containing my rejection to the University of Missouri, it contained my acceptance.

February



February was a blur of school and hanging out with friends. It was a blur of college letters and goodbyes that were looming only a few months down my path. I was ungodly close with Jesi and Alexa - which I still am. The three of us went to a concert at the Blue Note in Columbia, where I saw We The Kings for the third time. February also contained my first tour of Mizzou where I was actually a student, and I was beyond thrilled to be there.

March



March was spent much like February, a blur of being with Alexa and Jesi. I had a falling out with Malissie and Dennis, which was unfortunate but short-lived. Alexa and I both turned eighteen. Her birthday was spent with a day at her house, entertained by her little siblings and birthday cakes with candles that didn't actually say eighteen unless you counted. My birthday was spent at a writing convention, learning more about what I do best. It ended with a surprise party at Fiddlesticks, something my best friend had known about and kept from me. My eighteenth birthday also brought on a short lived trial in gambling, because scratch off lottery tickets were so much fun.

April



Not much happened in April that I can remember, or that was documented at least. Shopping for my prom dress was the highlight, the last bit of high school dances that I would experience. I got my tumblr somewhere around this time, which turned out to be a major time suck, and for awhile, it replaced the posts that were made here with easy, quick blogging. Most of what was rewritten of Eternity Will Never Be Enough was written during April, as well.

May



May was a blur, thanks to Graduation. It had one of the most defining moments in my life, as I walked up on stage and received my diploma. It was a day that made me sick to my stomach all day, but it was worth it. It also included my senior prom, and while not as incredible as my junior prom, it was fun to be with my friends and all dressed up. After graduation was project graduation, where we had a lockdown in the YMCA with a good majority of the senior class. Also, there was the first party that we've truly had at our new house, with all of our family here to celebrate my graduation.

June



Summer truly began in June. One of my good friends, Heather, left quickly for college only a few weeks after Graduation, but we all pulled together to give her a good birthday before she left. June also held my summer orientation for Mizzou, which included the first time I got to meet my roommate, Becky. Even at orientation, I was overwhelmed with love for Mizzou, something I still feel now. June also held the one year anniversary of a writing project I started with Madi - Eternity Will Never Be Enough - a project that is still going on in different forms (such as Drowning In Sunshine, Lifetimes From Now, and We Fall From Stars.)

July



July was a reunion. A reunion with my best friend for the first time in two years. It was the only significant, memorable thing. It was the first time I'd seen her in two years, and a week with her would never be enough. In a week, we went to Quincy and went to Bonkers. We drove to Columbia for shopping and walking around Mizzou, where I could show her my future home. We spent a day in our jammies and played the sims. We drove to St. Louis, spending a day at Six Flags with Mercedes. Also, it included the first concert I ever attended with my best friend, which was The Academy Is, Never Shout Never, Gym Class Heroes, The Veronicas, and Boys Like Girls.

August



August contained quite a few significant things. The first of which being my move to Mizzou. It was incredible, and terrifying. But it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, in fact it was wonderful. It was the first time I really felt at home in a school environment. It also contained the start of classes, which I absolutely loved - except my art class - all throughout the semester. Also, it contained the birth of my newest family member, Jaylee. The instant I first saw her, which wasn't until September, I was in love. Also, I saw one of my favorite bands, The Spill Canvas.

September



In September, one of my long time best friends - and sister - got married. It was also the mark of my first homecoming from Mizzou. The instant I got back from Mizzou, I couldn't wait to go back. Also, a lot of drama led up to the loss of one of my friends, Haley, and we haven't talked since then. Becky and I got close, and I got even closer with two other people from school - Kee and Jessica - who have come to be some of my best friends while I'm in school.

October



I started October off with a concert with Jessica. We saw The Decemberists at the Blue Note, and for the first time in my life I was against the barrier for a concert. Also in October, I got more active with Arts Advocates, a club that I'd joined in school, and became partially responsible for both a Homecoming banner and a Halloween party. I went as Luna Lovegood for Halloween to the party, and it was a lot of fun.

November



It's easy to say that November is always my favorite month of the year, thanks to a program called NaNoWriMo. It's a program that requires procrastinators like me to spend one month outside of their comfort zone and into a world where they're a novelist. Their job is to do nothing more than write a novel in thirty days. It seems like an easy task, and for me, this year it was. Throughout November, I joined in a writing group in Columbia that went through the NaNoWriMo program - which brought me closer to a new group of people that were just as crazy as I am. I won NaNoWriMo this year, the second in my career as a writer. But this year was different because it marked the first time that i actually wrote a novel.

December



December was the end of my first semester of college, which ended up with me having a 2.4 GPA. I spent a lot of the time catching up with being home, especially since I was home for a whole month. The first couple weeks of December were spent with me aching to be home. Which I've come to realize is weird, because all I really want to do is go back to Mizzou. Well, not all, because I love being home and with family. It also contained reconnecting with my best friend Alexa, who I hadn't really seen since before I left.

Last Song of 2009 - Hot Mess - Cobra Starship

family:

are you sure you're not on acid?

goodgirlsgoruth: the ad for this video on youtube is a mustache and it's talking to me
wecouldbepilots: you need to go to sleep
goodgirlsgoruth: no it really is
wecouldbepilots: suuuure
goodgirlsgoruth: it goes "hey that's a nice keyboard"
wecouldbepilots: maybe you are on acid.

she's got a smile that can light up this whole town:

I just finished up my first semester at Mizzou, something I've been meaning to write about. But many things have prevented me from writing about it. Things including catching up with my family and the three ribs I've had out of place that have been keeping me from really doing anything.

But yeah, I finished up my first semester with two B's and a C-. A 2.4 GPA that has me so relieved. I'm glad to be home, to be having a break, and more importantly, to be going back to Mizzou next semester. There was a slight scare that I wouldn't be, but I am. And I couldn't be happier.

I thought I had more to say than this, but I don't. I'll be back later next week to do my end of year post.

Au revoir

I'm a goofball:

cobrassayrena: my car is also fixed. super glad to have my delaney home!!
cobrassayrena: (yes my car is named Delaney)
asdeepasyouplay: Your car is named -- aha xD YAY!
cobrassayrena: except the steering wheel is named Ryan Ross
asdeepasyouplay: xD Why?
cobrassayrena: so I can grab Ryan Ross while riding Delaney

I know I should be home:

I haven't updated in awhile, mostly because I've been so caught up in the whole College thing, and I haven't exactly known what to say. Well, that, and I've been cranking out a novel and haven't had the brainpower to come up with any extra words.

I'm home now, not for the first time since I left for college, but for the first stretch of time. I have a whole week here - well ten days if we wanted to be technical - and I couldn't be happier to be here. I love waking up in my own bed, in my own room. I love being able to lay here and not have to think about college or doing homework. My only obligation is working, and noveling. The latter I've been slacking on, I'm sorry NaNoWriMo, I realize I'm just barely ahead. I'll fix that today. Promise. Pinky swear.

Thanksgiving is just a few days away, and I can't wait. I love that day, I love seeing my family. Unfortunately this year, I won't be seeing anyone from my dad's side, but they made that choice, I guess. I'll spend it with my mother, and her side of the family. And honestly, that makes me so much happier.

Ten things I'd like to get off my chest:

1. My grandma is still in the hospital, tomorrow it will have been two weeks. They keep pushing back her release, and the more they do so, the more afraid I become.
2. The longer she is in the hospital, the more it stirs up the thought that she might not make it through this, or that any moment she could die and I’d be in Columbia.
3. Which, only stirs up the bad memories of my Grandpa dying, and then I get all panicky again.
4. My grandma might be moving. Still in Hannibal, but away from the house that she’s lived in throughout my childhood. I feel like, while it would ultimately be what’s best for her, her moving would be like putting the last piece of my childhood away.
5. Being away from home sucks. I have never been more homesick than I have been the last few weeks.
6. NaNoWriMo. I’m not doing as well as I’d hoped. I’d planned to be at 30k by this weekend, and that didn’t happen. Now I’m disappointed in myself.
7. I’ve been feeling more distant from Madi than ever, and the thought makes me feel sick.
8. I have to go back to Mizzou in the morning, and while that seems to be such an amazing thing 90% of the time, I’m not thrilled about it this time.
9. Thanksgiving is two weeks away, and there’s a chance that my grandma could still be in the hospital. I can’t imagine the holiday without her.
10. I don’t have any money anymore.

something tells me we're too close:

goodgirlsgoruth: AND MICHELLE DUGGAR'S UTERUS

goodgirlsgoruth: HAS FALLEN OUT

goodgirlsgoruth: FOUR TIMES

goodgirlsgoruth: FALLEN OUT

goodgirlsgoruth: OF HER VAGINA.

wecouldbepilots: FUCK.

wecouldbepilots: OH FUCK

wecouldbepilots: THAT'S LIKE

goodgirlsgoruth: THAT IS DISGUSTING

wecouldbepilots: MY WORST FEAR

goodgirlsgoruth: AND THEN SHE HAS TO SAY OOPS AND THEN

goodgirlsgoruth: A DOCTOR HAS TO PUT IT BACK IN

goodgirlsgoruth: DONT YOU THINK THATS A FUCKING SIGN

wecouldbepilots: DLJFAKLJKLAFJKLJALK STOP

goodgirlsgoruth: THAT YOU SHOULD STOP PROCREATING

goodgirlsgoruth: JESUS CHRIST JIM BOB GET A FUCKING VASECTAMY IF YOU TWO LOVE TO DO IT SO MUCH

goodgirlsgoruth: FOUR FUCKING TIMES

goodgirlsgoruth: COULD YOU IMAGINE HOW THAT FEELS

goodgirlsgoruth: HOW DOES YOUR UTERUS FALL OUT

wecouldbepilots: OHFALJLKAJ

wecouldbepilots: OFALKJKLAJ

goodgirlsgoruth: THAT IS JUST

goodgirlsgoruth: LIKE I CANT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT

wecouldbepilots: I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE

goodgirlsgoruth: LIKE IMAGINE PEEING OUT A FUCKING UTERUS

wecouldbepilots: NO FUCKING BABIES EVER.

wecouldbepilots: LIKE

goodgirlsgoruth: "I think I'll just go to the ladies room real quick. HOLY SHIT THAT IS MY UTERUS"

wecouldbepilots: LOL OOPS MY FUCKING UTERUS FELL OUT, CAN YOU PLEASE STUFF IT BACK IN THERE

goodgirlsgoruth: EWWW

goodgirlsgoruth: I JUST PICTURED

goodgirlsgoruth: MICHELLE DUGGAR

goodgirlsgoruth: POKING IT BACK IN

goodgirlsgoruth: LOLOLOLOL

goodgirlsgoruth: LOL

wecouldbepilots: EW

goodgirlsgoruth: ew "symptoms of uterine prolapse include:" (that's when it falls out

wecouldbepilots: I JUST PICTURED HER LIKE CHILLAXIN ALL COOL AT THE MALL AND HER UTERUS JUST FALLING THE FUCK OUT

goodgirlsgoruth: "painful sexual intercourse"

goodgirlsgoruth: WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX

goodgirlsgoruth: WHEN YOUR UTERUS IS LIKE RIGHT THERE

goodgirlsgoruth: BOYS LIKE TO FUCK A VAGINA, NOT SOME WEIRD VACUOLE TYPE THING

wecouldbepilots: EW EW EW EW

goodgirlsgoruth: EWWWWW

goodgirlsgoruth: IT'S SO FUCKING DISGUSTING

goodgirlsgoruth: AND THAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER

goodgirlsgoruth: FOUR TIMES

wecouldbepilots: IT CAN FALL OUT WHEN YOU'RE GIVING BIRTH TOO

goodgirlsgoruth: I BET SHE CAN PERFORM THE SURGERY TO FIX IT ALL BY HERSELF NOW

wecouldbepilots: I REMEMBER WATCHING AN EPISODE OF ER AND THIS WOMAN WAS GIVING BIRTH TO TWINS AND HER UTERUS FELL OUT

wecouldbepilots: AND SHE FUCKING BLED TO DEATH

wecouldbepilots: AND HER HUSBAND WAS LIKE "BUT ARE MY BABIES OKAY"

goodgirlsgoruth: YEAH BUT YOUR WIFES UTERUS CAME OUT

goodgirlsgoruth: that's like

goodgirlsgoruth: EUGH IT'S SUPPOSED TO STAY IN YOUR BODY

wecouldbepilots: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THERE

wecouldbepilots: INSIDE

goodgirlsgoruth: WOAH DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE BESIDES MULTIPLE CHILD BIRTHS CAN CAUSE YOUR UTERUS TO COME OUT???

wecouldbepilots: what

goodgirlsgoruth: OBESITY, CONSTANT CONSTIPATION (DOOCE!), CHRONIC BRONCHITIS

goodgirlsgoruth: so like

goodgirlsgoruth: if you're hella fat

goodgirlsgoruth: your uterus could fall out

wecouldbepilots: YOUR UTERUS WILL JUST FLOP ON OUTTA THERE

goodgirlsgoruth: i'd be like, oh just leave it out, i'd like to lose 5 pounds

goodgirlsgoruth: ROFLMAO

goodgirlsgoruth: LMAO

goodgirlsgoruth: LMAO

goodgirlsgoruth: LMAO

goodgirlsgoruth: LMAO

wecouldbepilots: OH MY GOD THAT'S JUST

wecouldbepilots: JUST IMAGINE HOW THAT FEELS.

goodgirlsgoruth: EW LIKE

goodgirlsgoruth: IT WOULD FEEL LIKE

goodgirlsgoruth: POOPING OUT YOUR VAGINA

goodgirlsgoruth: EWWW

wecouldbepilots: EW

wecouldbepilots: OH GOD

wecouldbepilots: EW

goodgirlsgoruth: i know

goodgirlsgoruth: it's disgusting

wecouldbepilots: oh i can't even imagine

You're a brave girl, and courage is something I'll need now.

Cause it's been a hell of a day I've spent fading away.

We all fade sometimes, I believe.

And it's a strange world as I watch the tables get turned around.

You've got the strength that I've lost.

Who would have thought you'd be carrying me?

I swim for brighter days, despite the absence of sun:

I often have the complete inability to write about things that are important to me, or things that are happening in my life. It's not that I don't want to, but I sit down at blogger and I open up a new post... and nothing comes. My head goes blank, or worse, fills with a bunch of feelings that I'd rather not pour onto paper. Or into this box. Or anywhere. I don't want to document things here that I wouldn't say out loud to the few people who dare read this thing. I don't want this thing to become more substantial than the people I love the most.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I keep this blog. I used to think - back when I was sixteen and so remarkably naive - that I would get internet famous off of this thing. I used to crave the comments on each post, even if it was only from one or two people. Attention, that's what it was. I craved it like an addict. But now, over two years later, this blog isn't for that anymore. This blog, although I do give several people the privilege of reading my thoughts, is mine. And mine only.

I made the decision a few years ago that I wanted to document my life, and while I regret my original reasons for doing so, I do believe it was the best decision I could have made at the time. As hard as it is to read a lot of those posts, I'm glad they're there. I'm glad I can document the last two years of my life like this.

And, for as long as it's healthy for me to do so, I want to continue to keep my thoughts here. I might have to change the link from time to time, but I want to keep this blog.

a thousand miles seems pretty far, but we've got planes and trains and cars:

More often than not, when I can't sleep at night, I go to Ruth's blog. The one she's kept as long as I've kept my own, since the summer of 2007. Sometimes, I skim over the most recent entries, but often I don't, I click the special tag that's about me. Normally, you would think that having a special tag dedicated to you in your best friend's blog would mean nothing but good things; something to make you feel honored.


wecouldbepilots: every few weeks/days/whenever i feel really far away from you, i go to your blog and i click the marena tag and i read every entry that was ever about me, especially the bad ones.
wecouldbepilots: and i cry.
goodgirlsgoruth: it sometimes amazes me how EXACTLY alike we are
goodgirlsgoruth: because i do the same thing to your blog

There's things in Ruth's blog that make me crack up laughing, things that make me smile, and things that make me bawl. Things like "you are the most unoriginal person I have ever met, full of lies and pleas and you are so ungrateful, every pretend 'I'm sorry,' that you mumble is worthless." or "I'm just upset, and once I get upset about you, everything else in my life seems to fall apart." Or things that make me miserable, such as: "I need to cut you out of my life completely. I hate that it has to be this way, and it's not your fault, and it's not my fault. It just is. I'm not finished crying about it, but one day, I will be.", "You are not the best friend you used to be. But who's to say I'm any better?", or "I expected you to understand me more than anybody else. For just this one thing. I overestimated my ability to revive a friendship better left broken."

These are the things I read on a regular basis, things that make me bawl and ache until I force myself to remember everything that she's ever said to me. Every negative thing I've ever directed towards her. Every mistake I've made in this friendship. As much as it hurts to remember these things, I know that I can never let myself forget. I will never, ever let myself get things back to the way they once were between us.

goodgirlsgoruth: you've got to remember something about blogs though. there's usually written in the heat of the moment, when we're fighting or i'm angry or depressed or WHATEVER is going on in my personal life, i use that to fuel whatever i'm writing about. i think most of the bad marena ones are from sophomore/junior year. but i think it's good that we have those blogs because it shows that yes, we have had some MAJOR KILLER fights. and we've gone months without talking. and we've said 'i hate you' to eachother. but you know what?
goodgirlsgoruth: we've also had months where we do nothing but talk to eachother every single day. five years later, after i moved away, we are STILL best friends even though everybody told us it wouldnt happen. we fought with each other until we didnt have anything else to say, but despite all of that you still told me 10 minutes ago that i'm your best friend. and i told you that you are mine.

If there's anything, anything at all, I want more to be true, it's that I don't ever want my friendship with Ruth to go back to the way it once was. I don't want to have to ache anymore wondering what I've done wrong. Because she's right, once I get upset about her, everything in my life starts to fall apart.


goodgirlsgoruth: it's really easy to fall into believing that you are a bad person when all you read is negative things about yourself. loving yourself is harder. but you have never, EVER in my life given me a reason to stop loving you. you continue to amaze me every day with your creativity and spontaneity and charisma. i've never kept a friend as long as i've kept you
goodgirlsgoruth: i think
goodgirlsgoruth: sometimes soul mates arent necessarily lovers
goodgirlsgoruth: but they are best friends
goodgirlsgoruth: you provide thoughts and ideas that i would never ever think of

You're Back To Your Old Ways - Carelessly Leaving Tracks:

As a good chunk of you may know, I recently lost a friend of mine, a really good friend of mine, over the concept of Christianity.

I don't go into my religious beliefs often on here, simply because in the past I never wanted to start a controversial topic on my blog that I was sure some of my friends - who belief otherwise - would get upset by it. But I'll be honest, I am not Christian. But at the same time, much to the belief of the friend I lost, I am not nothing. I do believe in a God, but I know it's not the one that is believed to have created the Earth, the people, Adam & Eve, etc. I believe in more of a universal pull, a spirit that exists in everyone, that God is different to each and every person. I'm not going to get into the specifics.

And while I disagree with my friend's beliefs, I have never once put down her beliefs, as she has done mine. I didn't belittle her for believing in what she does, and if it came off that way, I'm truly sorry.

The part that hurts the worst over the loss of this friendship is not only the fact that she cannot be accepting of my beliefs, but that she felt she had to get revenge on me. Which, I too am a vengeful person, but I believe that she took it a step too far when she emailed my mother. It really hurt, and got me very upset. And for days, I've been sitting here thinking about it. Several people have told me to get my revenge, and I could easily do that. With the amount of things she's told me over the five years of our friendship, getting my revenge would not be difficult. If I wanted to, I could hurt her in ways that she tried to hurt me with the email to my mother.

But really, is it worth it? The other day she asked a friend of mine why she had to be the better person in this, and from what I understand, my friend replied to tell her that it was because she is the only one who claims to be. And that's the truth. In the past, I have had no problems crushing people when they hurt me. And I've been thinking about it, about all of the things I could do, the things I could say. I have so many things on her, and a lot of them could hurt her. And I could do it, and I would probably feel bad for a little while, but I'd get over it. However, in a way, I think that's what she wants. She wants a war, she wants to fight.

It's my move in this twisted game we're playing.

And I quit.

But keep in mind, make another move against me, and I will do it. I will take you down with me.

that holds all your memories: a lifetime of crushes and your broken dreams:

For eighteen years of my life, I wanted nothing more than to get out of Hannibal. That pathetic excuse of a town, where for eighteen years I was unhappy. Miserable even. Friends were hard to come by, and when you got a friend you could just as easily lose them to another person. You went to school with the exact same people since you were kindergarten, give or take a few moves (one of which happened to be my best friend in the whole world, but that's another story).

A year ago, if you would have asked me to leave Hannibal, it wouldn't have taken me more than a few hours to have my life packed away and in a car, ready to follow wherever you wanted to lead me. A year ago, I wanted to skip my senior year altogether. I hated it in Hannibal, and I made that apparent to everyone around me.

A year ago, however, I would have never imagined the life that I'm living right now. A year ago, I sincerely believed I'd be going to a community college. Not for lack of smarts, but for lack of... trying? I'll be perfectly honest. I didn't pick up books in high school because I didn't care. I didn't study for tests or read assignments because it simply did. Not. Matter. Or at least, not to me.

I applied to Mizzou because I wanted it more than anything, but it was mostly a sick dream of mine. I didn't sincerely believe I would get in. Look at my straight-C average GPA. I didn't have what they wanted. Even with my 24 ACT score, I wasn't the girl they wanted. Not at all.

And every day, I would check the mail. And every day, I would wait for that letter that would tell me I wasn't going. Because they didn't want me. I wasn't good enough. I wouldn't make it into this college. Because, they didn't care how much I wanted it, or how much it meant to me. They cared about my grades, and my ACT score. And while my ACT score was good enough to get me in, my grades weren't. Not at all.

Then, just a day after I'd given up and turned in my application for the community college, the very day that I was packing up everything in my house to move to my new house, I walked in the door and saw a letter on the counter. From: University of Missouri - Columbia. To: Marena Kristine Niehoff. Office of Admissions.

And my heart stopped.

I wish I could say that I started jumping around the instant I saw the letter. That I was so estatic knowing I got in before I even opened the letter. But I wasn't. I remember looking at that letter and going "Oh, not today. Please, any day but TODAY." But before I could tuck that away, my Mom had snatched it off the counter and had ripped it open. I remember watching her every facial expression, just waiting for her to find the words to tell me that I didn't get it. But, instead. She grabbed me and hugged me. And informed me that, yeah, I did get in.

And for months, I was estatic. I packed and I bragged and I bought things for my dorm. I prepared myself for college, both physically and emotionally. I couldn't wait to leave. Had it counted down to the day that I'd be leaving. I couldn't wait. I would tell everyone that I only had so many weeks left in Hannibal. In that shithole of a town.

And then, in August, something clicked. I clung to my Mom, rarely wanting her out of my sight. I wanted to be with her as much as possible. And let's be honest. I got scared. Terrified. I wanted to stay in Hannibal, all of a sudden. I wanted to stay a little girl forever and never go away. And the closer it got to the moving day, the more scared I was. The more clingy. The more I needed home.

August 18th, 2009 was by far the hardest day of my life. It's a strange feeling seeing your life packed into the back of a truck. To drive away from your home, out of city limits and knowing you won't be back for a few weeks. And even then, you'll only be back long enough to blink. And while it was the hardest day of my life, it was also one of the best. Because all of my fears had to be faced, dead on. I had to leave my mom, and allow myself to be in this strange place, relatively alone.

And you know what? It wasn't bad. It was great, actually. It still is amazing. Every day is this incredible experience to me. I'm learning so much. For the first time in my life, I'm pushing myself to work. To learn. To study. To make friends. And you know what? I'm happy. I love it here. I love being here. I love the people that I surround myself with. Mizzou was, and continues to be, the best decision I ever made for myself. And while it was hard, I'm so immensely glad I did it. I did this for myself. And I'm going to be a better person for this.

And while, for eighteen years of my life, I couldn't wait to get out of Hannibal, there's a piece of my heart that's still there. And will always be there. Hannibal is where I grew up. It's where I went to school. Where I learned to walk, and talk, and fall in and out of love. It's where I experienced heartbreak, embarrassment, and death. It's where I met my best friend, where I had my first kiss. There's a piece of me that will always be there, with my memories. With my family.

Tomorrow, I go home for the first time since I left. And I can't begin to tell you how estatic I am for that. I can't wait to see my family. My house. And if there's anything I've learned more strongly in the last couple of weeks, it's that as hard as leaving is, it makes going home even bettter.

Somebody told me:

I’ve always been a dreamer, longing for worlds far away. The unexpected, the new. The exciting. I’ve always been the kid with the overactive imagination, always thinking up worlds that would be more exciting than the one that I live in. I always pretended to be someone else, because it was often easier than being myself. I’ve always been a kid who hates change. I’ve always wanted things to go my way, or not at all.

But baby, things have changed for me. I’m starting off a new life in a new place, and quite honestly, I’ve never been happier. I’ve never felt more academically driven, and I’ve never wanted to make something of myself quite as much as I do right now.

I love Mizzou with this passion that I can’t explain. Not to myself, not to my mom when she calls, and not to a blog. I love being here. Every day is a new experience, learning new things and making myself more at home here.

Things are wonderful, truly, honestly so.

the scene called:

wecouldbepilots: i have to find my dress and my leggings
goodgirlsgoruth: oh hang on my phone is ringing
goodgirlsgoruth: it's the scene.
wecouldbepilots: fuck you.
goodgirlsgoruth: THEY
goodgirlsgoruth: WANT
goodgirlsgoruth: THEIR
goodgirlsgoruth: CLOTHES
goodgirlsgoruth: BACK.
wecouldbepilots: they're neon blue leggings too
goodgirlsgoruth: god we can't be friends anymore

Home:

I used to be love drunk:

Today, like so many times before, I called my mom at work and said a joke that we've been saying to each other for as long as I can remember. Like before, I was bored and said "Mommy, come home and bake cookies with me." Expecting, also like before, to be turned down.

Much to my surprise, my Mom's boss told her to go, with pay. And she did. So now there are like, 50 cookies in my kitchen.

believers never die

wecouldbepilots: and you're going to buy it for me?!
wecouldbepilots: i love you
began to burn: yes BUT ONLY IF
began to burn: whenever you wear it, you think of me and remember that you are, and always will be, my best friend no matter what. not because it's convenient to be friends after all this time, and not "just because." remember that you are an amazing, creative, ridiculously special girl that will ALWAYS be in my heart as the one person i will always look up to.

For who it may concern:

I just want to apologize for the last year of my life. I'm sorry for the person I let myself become, and I'm even sorrier for the fact that I can only contribute that to a person. A person that, from this point forward, will no longer be a part of my life.

I'm sorry for pushing you away, Haley. I'm sorry that I let her control me and twist my emotions until I hated you. I'm sorry Alexa, for turning you down so many times to hang out that you eventually stopped wanting to hang out with me. I'm sorry Jesi, for never talking to you because of her. And I'm sorry, Ruth, for so many times of ignoring your texts because I was on the phone with her.

And especially, to me. I'm sorry that I let myself give up my morals, even if it was only for a week. I'm sorry that I didn't let myself enjoy my senior year because I was too busy making sure I was a good person for her. I'm sorry I missed out on so much because I'd always stay home for her. I'm sorry that I gave up half of my summer. I'm sorry that I gave up writing and photography because she told me I was bad at it. I'm sorry that I let myself get hurt, and even sorrier that I let her, of all people, hurt me.

I'm sorry. But it won't happen again. I swear.

be saportive:

wecouldbepilots: i'm excited about nanowrimo this year
frailasbreath: bleeeeh
wecouldbepilots: haha
wecouldbepilots: be saportive
wecouldbepilots: ....
wecouldbepilots: ....LMAO
frailasbreath: no you didn't
wecouldbepilots: i can't stop laughing
frailasbreath: oh my god
wecouldbepilots: LMAO
wecouldbepilots: WOW FAIL

proportions:

began to burn: i kinda picture it like that, only on a little girl
began to burn: also
began to burn: YUM.
wecouldbepilots: one time i saw a picture of that but bigger version and on it it was like
wecouldbepilots: WHY WON'T THIS PICTURE SCROLL DOWN
began to burn: HAHAHFOR REAL
wecouldbepilots: we all know he's got monstercock.
began to burn: DUH he's tall
began to burn: i told you, PROPORTIONS.
wecouldbepilots: LMAO

feelings:

i’m happy because of the opportunity.

i’m excited because i’m starting a new point in my life.
i’m angry because i feel unprepared.
i’m sad because i’m going to be leaving my family and friends.
i’m scared because absolutely everything is changing for me.

but most of all, I can’t wait. Fifteen days and I’ll be headed to Columbia, Missouri. I can’t wait.

these two girls are my best friends:

Project Midwest 2.0:

Right now, I am sitting down at my favorite coffee shop in my sleepy little hometown of Hannibal, Missouri. I just dropped my best friend off at a friend of her parents’ house for dinner, and I’ll be picking her up in about an hour or so and we’ll continue in our week of plans.
Yesterday, she arrived at my house at 3:30, crushing me in a hug and reminding me of how much I love when she returns to Hannibal, and how much I love our wonderful ability to pick up our friendship exactly where we left off. It’s almost as though nothing has changed since we were 13-year-olds, even though I know so much has.

I’m loving every minute of having her here. Every joke about Twilight, every Harry Potter reference, every laugh, and every mile driven makes me smile. I can honestly say that I haven’t been this happy in a long time. I don’t remember the last time I went to Quincy just because, and I can be sure I’ve never snuck out of my house at 11:30 pm just to go buy lottery tickets.
Sometimes, I think about how my life would have been different if she would have stayed in Hannibal, instead of moving to Houston. And it would be different. And I’m almost confident in saying that we probably would not be friends right now. I’ve seen friends come into my life in the last five years, and most of them have exited as quickly as they came. But with me and Ruth, it seems as though the distance has brought us closer. We rely on telling each other everything because that’s the only way we have to pass information. That, and I think we’re close because no one expected us to make it very long after she moved.

But we have. We’ve lasted five whole years. Add that to the twelve years that we’ve known each other.

Earlier today we were talking about everything, and it’s hard to believe that the girl I used to talk about Drake & Josh with has grown into this adult, about to head off to college. It’s hard to believe that today we were talking about love, and marriage, and having children. We were talking about what we wanted to do with our lives, and that’s when it sunk in:

I am going to be friends with this girl for the rest of my life.

Seriously, though. If I can be friends with someone for twelve out of eighteen years of my life, what’s going to stop me from making her a lifelong friend? . I want to go to her wedding and I want to be that cool aunt to her children.

I’m so happy right now, you guys. I can’t stop smiling and laughing. This is the happiest I’ve been in a long, long time. Be happy for me.

A thank you post:

“One year ago at this exact moment you showed up at my house and stopped me from cutting. You really saved my life that night. Thank you so much, I love you.”

—A text I just sent to Malissie.

a birthday song:

I first knew about Ruth Alice Stokes eleven years ago, when I was seven years old. She was staying at the hotel where both my mother and my grandmother worked while her dad was settling things in Hannibal, Missouri as they prepared to move here from Canada. We were introduced by my Grandmother, in her desperate attempt to make friends for me. And at first, we clicked. Kind of.

When she officially moved to Hannibal, she lived exactly two houses down the road from my Grandma, a place where I spent a lot of my time. We weren’t the best of friends, but we spent a lot of time at her house, playing like eight year olds do. Often, we joke about a time when she spent the night at my house. The exact details of this escape me. But I do remember playing with my Barbie ferris wheel, and Ruth being amazed with my Tarzan straw that made noise when you used it.

Unfortunately, the two of us went to separate elementary schools, so we drifted apart. But then in seventh grade, we were reintroduced. Her locker was three down from mine (55 to my 52) and we quickly bonded over having P.E. first block, then followed by Advanced Math even though neither of us really enjoyed math. It wasn’t long after the first day of school that I started going to her house every day after school to do “Math Homework” (an activity that, in reality, was usually spent with her blasting the music that I now love, and us browsing Yahoo Messenger). Seventh Grade year was spent with how infamous inside jokes. Including (but not limited to): British Accent Day, long talks about fingernail polish, the Flamingo project, STEALING MY FUCKING COUGH DROPS, etc.

By the summer between seventh and eighth grade, we were inseperable. We did EVERYTHING together, including our job as tour guides at Rockcliffe Mansion. But, only two months into our eighth grade year, she moved 1000 miles away to Houston, Texas.

Since then, our friendship has been rocky. We’ve talked, fought, not spoken, and been reunited. No matter what, she’s my best friend. And when she comes back to Hannibal, it’s always as though our friendship was never interrupted.

And I guess what I’m trying to say here is,

HAPPY EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY, RUTH ALICE STOKES. I LOVE YOU VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY MUCH, AND I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU IN EIGHTEEN DAYS. HERE’S TO MATCHING SUVS AND GROWING OLD TOGETHER. YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, AND CONGRATS ON BEING OFFICIALLY “HOT LEGAL ASS”

a friendship song:

“you asked me earlier today what our friendship would be like now if i hadn’t moved away. I don’t know if we’d still be friends. but I do know that after losing your friendship, and gaining it back, I appreciate you now more than I ever could have. thank you for putting up with all of my crazy shit throughout the years and never giving up on me. you’re the best friend I’ll ever have.”

—Ruth Stokes

Dear you:

One year ago tonight I was sitting on the floor of your living room, sunburnt and physically exhausted, but my adrenaline was still pumping. I was rushing my words and trying to get everything that had happened that day out to you and your boyfriend. even though I knew you probably didn’t care because you’d never been to a concert. So Warped Tour didn’t mean much to you. Neither did the idea of seeing your favorite bands. You couldn’t understand the way that it felt for me to be in the crowds, watching the musicians that put me into a restless sleep every night do their thing up on stage. But you listened anyway, you know. You listened because you cared about me. Because you, at that point in time, would probably have done anything for me.
One year later and I still wonder if it’s because you felt sorry for me. I hope to God it wasn’t. You both meant so much to me. Both You and Him. You were the people I went to when I couldn’t breathe, the people I imed when the anxiety and bad feelings were making it impossible to close my eyes or unclench my fists. I could tell you anything, and you listened. You may not have understood what I felt like, but you tried so hard to fix it for me. And lastly, it was you two that saved my life.

You gave me hope. People to turn to when no one else would believe me. And on July 10th, 2008, you were the people that helped me decide that I needed help. You were the reasons I checked myself into the hospital. You were the reasons I started to feel better. You were my support system. You weren’t the only people that made me get better, and my god you weren’t the most important people either. But you were my columns. You were the physical things that held me up.

Now, it’s a year later and we don’t talk anymore. You don’t answer my texts, and more than half the time you don’t answer when I im you. I miss you both more than you could ever imagine. I miss talking to you. I miss telling you things. I miss laughing with you and making up stupid inside jokes.

More than anything though, I just wish I had my best friends back.

Update from Mizzou!

This is going to be short and sweet seeing as I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be over there socializing and such. But that’s okay, I’d much rather use this sweetass mac because I’m much too tired to stand in line for an extended period of time for free pizza when i’m not hungry!!! (macs are weird, btw, SO gonna take some getting used to)

today has been super fun, despite the getting up at 4:30 (especially when i finally fell asleep at 3:45…) and driving down to Columbia, Missouri for MU summer welcome. At first it was super overwhelming, lots of information being shoved at me at a very quick pace. But I’m pretty sure I’ve got the important parts down.

The campus is beautiful. My roommate is super sweet. I can’t wait to call this home, and I guess in a way, I already do

making myself proud:

shipwreck galaxy: i mean it's like the first time in my life that i've looked in a mirror and been okay with what i see
shipwreck galaxy: and like i told you the other day
shipwreck galaxy: it's also the first time in my life where i don't have a persona, i guess, to go by.
shipwreck galaxy: i'm marena. and i'm really happy with who she's turned out to be.

Graduation:

This was one of the most defining moments in my young life, captured on camera here. At this, I was officially a graduate of Hannibal High School. This happened around 8:15 last night, May 21st, 2009. It was the end of thirteen years of public schooling. The end of early bedtimes, even earlier mornings. The end of “chicken” lunches, no-cell-phone policies.
But, as it was the end, it was also the beginning. The beginning to what, you may ask?
Well, I don’t know that part exactly yet. But as of last night, I’m beginning to find out.

Mother to Daughter:

Dear Emmy,

This book may not seem like much, but I tried to fill it with my love for you. Even when we are not together, I hope you realize I’m always with you. And maybe just once in awhile you’ll look through this book and pictures and remember how very, very much you are loved. To the moon and back, again and again.

Love, Mom.

-----

“My first memory of you is….”

When you were born and placed in my arms, all of the emotions that I felt as I held you, you were so perfect and beautiful with your head full of blonde hair, ten fingers and toes, how I just knew that my life had been forever changed as my love for you overwhelmed me. My life is such a better place because of you and the love you bring to it grows every day.

“One of my favorite things about you is…”

Your free spirit, how you are not afraid to go against the flow of things, not really caring about the way others may think, the way you stand up for what you think and believe, even when it’s not what ‘everything’ and ‘everyone’ is doing! I also love your sense of humor, the way you can always make me laugh, sometimes just a look or a single word, as we share a joke that only we understand.

“One of the most fun times I have ever had with you was…”

When we took you to see Nsync and afterwards you just gushed repeating all of your favorite partsw, and watching your love for music grow from there. I’ve loved sharing concerts with you, the ‘oldies’ and ‘newbies’, it’s always fun even if I don’t always share your taste. I, too, have loved sharing Arrowhead with you, an experience like no other - bot most of all, I love when we just ‘hang out’ doing nothing, just spending time together, which I will treasure in my heart forever!

“The most proud of you I have ever been was…”

Ah, there are so many, like when you told your kindergarten teacher you could spell ‘banana’ when all she wanted was ‘at’, going to JBA, learning ALL the words to Mary Jane’s Last Dance, figuring out you could parallel park, and getting your license, getting accepted to Mizzou, getting sent to the principal weeks before graduating, getting your diploma. But the proudest moment was when you finally had enough of your Uncle D and pulling the plug on the television and game.

“My biggest hope for you in the future is…”

For you to always grab the stars and reach for the moon, that you find happiness in all you do and that you never stop dreaming (and writing!), but most of all, I hope that some day you have a child who brings you as much love, joy, happiness, and pride as you’ve brought into my life.

two years:

Two years ago today, my Grandpa died. I can’t forget the significance of this date for the life of me. I’d love to write out exactly now much he means to me, but I don’t have the strength.

geeks:

shipwreck galaxy: omg that pen.
shipwreck galaxy: D:
ridic soldiers: quill
shipwreck galaxy: madi?
ridic soldiers: yes?
shipwreck galaxy: your nerd is showing.
ridic soldiers: im okay with that

her:

Me: a thousand miles seems pretty far but they've got planes and trains and cars. i'd walk to you if i had no other way.
Ruth: I can promise you by the time we get through the world will never be the same.
Me: do you remember when my grandpa died and you sent me the lyrics to katie?
Ruth: yes.
Me: thank you.
Ruth: anytime. I will always be here when you need me.
Me: I know. I just don't think you really realize how many times you've indirectly saved my life because of that song.
Ruth: <3

she's special:

frailasbreath: i was on your twitter looking at your followers and it was like
criticshateyou/Haley
that's you!
frailasbreath: and i was like holy shit how did it know that>?!
shipwreck galaxy: ....
shipwreck galaxy: you're logged on, dumbass.
frailasbreath: shut up

Almost:

This came in the mail today:

This letter was written on October 26th, 2008, while I was attending Key Leading Weekend in Bourbon, Missouri. At the end of the event, they ask you to write a letter, which they will take, keep, and mail to you six months from the date you wrote it. It’s no secret that October was one of the hardest months of my life, so I hope you enjoy this little glimpse of me, six months ago. I know I did.
——————————————-
Rena,
This weekend was amazing. Six months from now, when you will next be reading this, things will be a lot different. You’ll be an eighteen-year-old, for one, and about to finish up your senior year. I hope you never forget how you felt today.
I know the last 5 months have been hard for you, and the next six will be difficult, but always remember that there is hope. You can pull through anything. You can always feel alive and genuine.
How’s Madi? I hope you’re still in love with her. And Haley? Malissie? Dennis? Brandi?
Did you win NaNoWriMo? I know you did. 50,000 words is something you’re more than capable of.
Do you still write about Will and Delaney? About Delaney? How are they? Tell them I love them.
Love always,
Rena.

Beginnings of my Senior Tile:

"it's hannah montana, geez."

frailasbreath: if i get another miley cyrus song in my head
frailasbreath: i'll be pissed
shipwreck galaxy: it's hannah montana
shipwreck galaxy: get it right haley
shipwreck galaxy: geez
frailasbreath: ..are you fucking kidding me
shipwreck galaxy: not at all.

IT'S A MATH THING. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY

Alexa's cake, partically decorated by moi. Candles because of our love of math.

This is a very.......special person in my life

three things you probably knew about me but don't know why it's important to me:

1) I'm a tutor.
And no, I don't mean in the "I sit down and help my little brother with homework because my parents make me" kind of way either. I mean, I take time out of my day to go and help with a kindergarten class and a first grade class. That means there's approximately fourty kids that I help. And let me tell you, there's NOTHING in the world like spending fifteen minutes with a child struggling over a word in a book or a math problem, and after awhile looking up and saying "oh, I get it!!" Nothing in the world because you feel so damn good about yourself.

2) I'm a volunteer.
Another one of those things I do not just to benefit myself, but to help the world as well. I do it a lot through Key Club, and the last thing I did was working at the community center. The first Thursday of every month, our community center does a food distribution. They hand out food to families in need, and twice a year Key Club helps out. I love it. It's hard work, lifting heavy boxes and trying to keep up with the others pushing the carts. It's exhausting. But I'd do it every day if I could.

3) I'm an artist.
There's hardly any feeling I have that compares to how I feel when I pour myself into art. Whether it be a painting, a drawing, a photo, or a new story, I can emerse myself into this creation, and I make it a part of me. It's one sure way to wrap myself up in my thoughts. And that's always a good thing.

Inspiration:

This is the fabulous Mr. Eggleston, or as I call him, Daddy E. He's been a significant part of my life for the last two years. He's my Key Club sponser, my counselor, the amazing guy that has the glorious tiger box in his office. I've lost count of the amount of times I've gone to him just to say hello, to cry, to bug the hell out of him.

Quite honestly, he's the only person I'll miss at HHS.

Oh, and he doesn't normally dress like that. He lost in a fundraiser and had to wear that.

I've been doing a lot of thinking these days:

These aren't really the words I would use to describe myself, but then again I really don't know what I would use, either. Personally, I'm not going to base my opinion of myself on a game where I can put down swiss cheese and get the emotional card, but it truly was loads of fun. So, I'm asking you to tell me five or six words that you think describe me, and then a few that you think describe you. Adjectives please so don't put like photography or anything. And then I'll post my words later and words that describe you. Ready, set, go.

last week i...

saw this in concert. i love the feeling i get when i go to concerts, absolutely wonderful. you can feel the beat running through your system. the vibrations of the speakers are more familiar than your heartbeat. there's pushing on you in every direction, and you confuse your breathing with that of the person next to you. it's painful, but so worth it.

rodeo time:

gaylor goes home (8:15:36 PM): my hoohaw needs to get fixed
folie a marena (8:16:15 PM): stop calling it a hoohaw
gaylor goes home (8:16:32 PM): wouuld you prefer VAGINA
gaylor goes home (8:16:37 PM): hoohaw sounds texan
folie a marena (8:16:52 PM): VAGINA
gaylor goes home (8:17:04 PM): YEEEHAW for HOOOHAW
folie a marena (8:19:58 PM): .....
folie a marena (8:20:01 PM): i
folie a marena (8:20:03 PM): 'm blogging this

"Marena, I love that you always have this intensely positive attitude, it makes working here so much easier."

Oh, if only you knew how makes this makes me want to cry. Not because I come off that way, but because I succeed in making people believe I'm actually positive. I'm not.

Not at all. I'm so fucking hopeless that it's not even funny.

I wish someone would break through this and make me feel better again

Look at this, it's a beautiful, sunny, perfect day and I'm sitting in doors simply because I have nowhere to go. Fabulous. I'm half tempted to pick up my camera, dart out the door and go take pictures of whatever I can find. Anything artistic, because I need to get these feelings out.

The last few weeks every moment that I've spent indoors and alone has been ripping me to shreads. Ever since I got back from my Mizzou visit, it's been impossible to sit in this bedroom and be comfortable. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be who I am right now. I want to go out, do my own thing, be the person I know I'm supposed to be. I want to be a journalist. I want to be able to be free.

I'm tired. Not like, the I need to go to sleep kind either. It's more like, I'm sick of the life I'm living right now. With it's twisted secrets and locked up feelings. That's not healthy for me, and the only people I trust enough to tell are the ones that I can't tell. I'm tired of the winter, locking me indoors when I'm longing to be able to lay outside and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.

I've been thinking a lot lately, because I have to start doing that. I have to start planning the next year of my life, and the rest of my life along with it. I'm so beyond ready to go to Mizzou. So ready.

I go to a concert on Thursday. I'm really excited, but there's a part of me that isn't. Simply because every time I hang out with Alexa and Jesi I feel ungodly guilty. Because some people don't like them, even though they've been nothing but good to me. Sometimes, they're the only people that can crack through the shell I put up around me and make me feel like myself again.

Madi and I have been fighting a lot lately, and I think with every fight I push her a little bit further from me. Simply because I'm not going to let it hurt anymore. I'm not going to let every fight rip me to shreds because I did that once before. I'm so fucking tired of pushing myself to be a good best friend, good person in general and just getting hurt.

Like, I'm always trying to say the right things, be the right person, stop thinking these negative thoughts. I try to push myself inside my head like Madi wants, push myself out socially like Alexa & Jesi want, trying to get good grades, you know, the usual. And it's not getting me anywhere. People still don't like me much. I'm looking forward to next year, with 30,000 people, SOMEONE has to like me.

I've been getting a lot closer to Tyler lately, and I honestly think that could be one of the worst things that could happen to me. I know the feelings that usually emerge whenever I let myself get close to him, and they're happening again. I'm scared, because I don't want those feelings anymore.

Sitting next to me are pictures from me and Ruth when we were thirteen, taken just days before she moved. Every part of me wishes I could go back to that time in my life, before I was quite so broken. If I could, I'd change a lot. I wouldn't be the same person, and I'd like that.

Who still reads my blog, anyway? I have no idea. If you do, could you like, comment and tell me that? I'm tired of writing to what seems like no one.

oh i love how you can tell

The last few days can pretty much be summed up with what I like to call "Jack's Mannequin weather". You know, the kind of weather that has you rolling down the windows of your car, cranking up the music and driving screaming at the top of your lungs JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN. It's the kind of weather where you can leave your hoodie at home, wear no socks, kick of your shoes when you get indoors.

For the longest time, I used to believe I loved winter. No, the truth is that I despise winter because I hate snow. I hate cold. I hate ice. I love winter, but only because it leads into spring.

Tonight after work I found myself driving to the playground, pulling up and swinging on the swings until I couldn't breathe anymore. It's the best feeling in the world. The only way I can get my thoughts to slow down.

I'm really excited about the next few months. I'm ready for my new life to begin in August too.

PS. i'm listening to ashlee simpson right now. not even ashamed either.

i will [never] believe in anything again:

Right now I am sitting inside my new house, inside of my new room, soaking up free wifi. Tonight, I will sleep in my new bed, with my new sheets, in my new room, in my new house for the first time. Tonight I will eat dinner with my family, and begin unpacking all of my items from boxes.

Today, I have not talked to you at all, and oddly I'm not to disturbed by that. I miss you, and I want to talk to you, but at the same time, I don't. I'm happy, and I don't want to be brought down.

You say I don't care, but I do.

This post isn't about you, this is about how I feel right now. I feel a beginning. I feel that I've been given this glorious chance to start my life over. To make things better. I am happy, like you couldn't even imagine, and I don't care what you think.

REALLY FAST UPDATE BEFORE I SLEEP

I GOT ACCEPTED TO MIZZOU TODAY

LIKE, THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI.

LIKE, HELL YEAH MY NUMBER ONE SCHOOL.

*passes out* farewell.