Sunday, February 22, 2009

Look at this, it's a beautiful, sunny, perfect day and I'm sitting in doors simply because I have nowhere to go. Fabulous. I'm half tempted to pick up my camera, dart out the door and go take pictures of whatever I can find. Anything artistic, because I need to get these feelings out.

The last few weeks every moment that I've spent indoors and alone has been ripping me to shreads. Ever since I got back from my Mizzou visit, it's been impossible to sit in this bedroom and be comfortable. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be who I am right now. I want to go out, do my own thing, be the person I know I'm supposed to be. I want to be a journalist. I want to be able to be free.

I'm tired. Not like, the I need to go to sleep kind either. It's more like, I'm sick of the life I'm living right now. With it's twisted secrets and locked up feelings. That's not healthy for me, and the only people I trust enough to tell are the ones that I can't tell. I'm tired of the winter, locking me indoors when I'm longing to be able to lay outside and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.

I've been thinking a lot lately, because I have to start doing that. I have to start planning the next year of my life, and the rest of my life along with it. I'm so beyond ready to go to Mizzou. So ready.

I go to a concert on Thursday. I'm really excited, but there's a part of me that isn't. Simply because every time I hang out with Alexa and Jesi I feel ungodly guilty. Because some people don't like them, even though they've been nothing but good to me. Sometimes, they're the only people that can crack through the shell I put up around me and make me feel like myself again.

Madi and I have been fighting a lot lately, and I think with every fight I push her a little bit further from me. Simply because I'm not going to let it hurt anymore. I'm not going to let every fight rip me to shreds because I did that once before. I'm so fucking tired of pushing myself to be a good best friend, good person in general and just getting hurt.

Like, I'm always trying to say the right things, be the right person, stop thinking these negative thoughts. I try to push myself inside my head like Madi wants, push myself out socially like Alexa & Jesi want, trying to get good grades, you know, the usual. And it's not getting me anywhere. People still don't like me much. I'm looking forward to next year, with 30,000 people, SOMEONE has to like me.

I've been getting a lot closer to Tyler lately, and I honestly think that could be one of the worst things that could happen to me. I know the feelings that usually emerge whenever I let myself get close to him, and they're happening again. I'm scared, because I don't want those feelings anymore.

Sitting next to me are pictures from me and Ruth when we were thirteen, taken just days before she moved. Every part of me wishes I could go back to that time in my life, before I was quite so broken. If I could, I'd change a lot. I wouldn't be the same person, and I'd like that.

Who still reads my blog, anyway? I have no idea. If you do, could you like, comment and tell me that? I'm tired of writing to what seems like no one.

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