More often than not, when I can't sleep at night, I go to Ruth's blog. The one she's kept as long as I've kept my own, since the summer of 2007. Sometimes, I skim over the most recent entries, but often I don't, I click the special tag that's about me. Normally, you would think that having a special tag dedicated to you in your best friend's blog would mean nothing but good things; something to make you feel honored.
wecouldbepilots: every few weeks/days/whenever i feel really far away from you, i go to your blog and i click the marena tag and i read every entry that was ever about me, especially the bad ones.
wecouldbepilots: and i cry.
goodgirlsgoruth: it sometimes amazes me how EXACTLY alike we are
goodgirlsgoruth: because i do the same thing to your blog
There's things in Ruth's blog that make me crack up laughing, things that make me smile, and things that make me bawl. Things like "you are the most unoriginal person I have ever met, full of lies and pleas and you are so ungrateful, every pretend 'I'm sorry,' that you mumble is worthless." or "I'm just upset, and once I get upset about you, everything else in my life seems to fall apart." Or things that make me miserable, such as: "I need to cut you out of my life completely. I hate that it has to be this way, and it's not your fault, and it's not my fault. It just is. I'm not finished crying about it, but one day, I will be.", "You are not the best friend you used to be. But who's to say I'm any better?", or "I expected you to understand me more than anybody else. For just this one thing. I overestimated my ability to revive a friendship better left broken."
These are the things I read on a regular basis, things that make me bawl and ache until I force myself to remember everything that she's ever said to me. Every negative thing I've ever directed towards her. Every mistake I've made in this friendship. As much as it hurts to remember these things, I know that I can never let myself forget. I will never, ever let myself get things back to the way they once were between us.
goodgirlsgoruth: you've got to remember something about blogs though. there's usually written in the heat of the moment, when we're fighting or i'm angry or depressed or WHATEVER is going on in my personal life, i use that to fuel whatever i'm writing about. i think most of the bad marena ones are from sophomore/junior year. but i think it's good that we have those blogs because it shows that yes, we have had some MAJOR KILLER fights. and we've gone months without talking. and we've said 'i hate you' to eachother. but you know what?
goodgirlsgoruth: we've also had months where we do nothing but talk to eachother every single day. five years later, after i moved away, we are STILL best friends even though everybody told us it wouldnt happen. we fought with each other until we didnt have anything else to say, but despite all of that you still told me 10 minutes ago that i'm your best friend. and i told you that you are mine.
If there's anything, anything at all, I want more to be true, it's that I don't ever want my friendship with Ruth to go back to the way it once was. I don't want to have to ache anymore wondering what I've done wrong. Because she's right, once I get upset about her, everything in my life starts to fall apart.
goodgirlsgoruth: it's really easy to fall into believing that you are a bad person when all you read is negative things about yourself. loving yourself is harder. but you have never, EVER in my life given me a reason to stop loving you. you continue to amaze me every day with your creativity and spontaneity and charisma. i've never kept a friend as long as i've kept you
goodgirlsgoruth: i think
goodgirlsgoruth: sometimes soul mates arent necessarily lovers
goodgirlsgoruth: but they are best friends
goodgirlsgoruth: you provide thoughts and ideas that i would never ever think of
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