goodbye 2007, hello 2008

2007 in short!

january: for the life of me, i can't remember very much about this month. i remember haley getting grounded and being bored more than i could possibly handle. I began writing even more than ever, filling notebooks of things i would never let anyone read. I let ruth back in my life.

february: began planning things to do for my birthday and couldn't come up with anything. started writing even MORE. Panic attacks started and sleeping was low.

march: began getting less excited about my birthday. ruth came up for spring break. sweet sixteen and not-so-happy. i did nothing fun for my birthday and stayed home. cried.

april: santi came out, it was a huge disappointment. sick for most of the month.

may: worst month of my life. honda civic was on the eighteenth and i lost my grandpa the day after. first day i'd ever seen most of my family cry in a long time. heartbroken.

june: summer begins. lots of talking to my best friend. another friend became more than i could imagine starting this month. my friendship with sara blossomed and stayed strong. jules left.

july: the fourth was amazing, a voice post with haley, fireworks, and unlimited texting. more hanging with friends.

august: back to school, end of summer. sleeping stops and depression gets bad again. cried myself to sleep every day. started working at cassanos.

september: school, school, school. that's all i remember about this month. oh, and i got put in counselling

october: key club was introduced to my life. i spent a fun weekend at key leader, grieved over the three year anniversary of ruth moving. key club halloween party. met hannah montana!

november: happy birthday bff! haley's birthday and fun fun fun. spent a lot of time with haley and enjoyed living life to the fullest.

december: too much to say. too many ups and downs and suicidal thoughts. christmas was fun, new years was even more so. broke up with tyler and started dating eric. i'm having fun.

happy new year!

i have six million things to talk about and not enough time to do it!

it's been forever since i've posted anything remotely interesting about my so-called life, so here goes. A long, overdue rambling about the last month of my life.

First of all, when I think about the last few months, the first thing that comes to mind is how Tyler and I broke up. Well yeah, we did. And it was about time too. I can't honestly say why I stayed with him for so long. Maybe it was because I liked the idea of having a boyfriend, while in reality, it wasn't all that fantastic. I realized that I was unhappy and I needed to change something, and the first thing that came to mind was getting him out. At least in the romantic kind of way (ha, like we were ever romantic at all). So I dumped him. And then I asked Eric out because, well, I like him. I like him alot and I've liked him for a long time and it's probably about time I own up to that.

Eric and I work together in a million ways that Tyler and I never did and never would. For one, I feel the intense need to talk to him everyday, where with Tyler I could go weeks without talking to him or even noticing his absence from my life. Or even caring. With Eric I enjoy talking to him every day and I notice when he's not around. I care. I need to stop comparing Eric and Tyler because I don't want my whole relationship with him to be a comparison.

Another relationship I have that has grown over this past month or so is my relationship with Sara. I've opened up to her in ways that I've never felt possible with another human being, and she has proved her impact in my life. She's the person I text when I can feel my life falling apart and she's the first one to rush over to help pick up the pieces. Haley is the same way, but Sara does it differently. Sometimes Sara just being in the room with me is enough to calm and comfort me. I enjoy seeing and talking to her everyday and I care that she's not around, which is more than I can say about most people I surround myself with.

This has turned into a big sap fest and I want to save that for tomorrow night when I recap the whole 2007 thing. For now, so long.

why we love the wizard of oz:

"They've got an awfully big vocabulary for such little people."

lmao, i love christmas:

"Do you think they'd let me be Mary?"

"Probably not, they usually only let the adults be Mary"

"BUT YOU HAVE TO BE A VIRGIN TO BE MARY! "

"....What?"

"I just don't think it's fair that all the sluts get to be Mary."

this gives ho ho ho a whole new meaning.

forget december, it won't be better:

it's no wonder suicide spikes over the holidays.

it's that time of year again:

I stood outside today and watched the snow come down around me, watching it cover the ground oh so slowly, watching it transform my lovely kingdom into this winter wonderland. When I was a little kid I always felt like a princess (ha! i still do!) and the snow was my ice kingdom.

I love snow. I don't want this to melt. I want to stay home tomorrow and watch it all day. All day all day!

why is it that:

why is it that every time i start to feel better, life crashes down on me and makes me want to slit my throat?

why is it that my family doesn't give a shit about what i'm saying to them?

why is it that the most important person in my life was cruely ripped away from me when i needed him the most?

why can't i keep a friend?

why is it that i can't make myself be happy, that i spend my money without thinking because i'm afraid that i won't be alive long enough to do something cool with it?

you're a mastermind, how you kill my kind:

honestly, i had so much fun tonight. there's something about sara that puts me in the greatest mood. i've never had a friend so true, so real, so amazing. never one that my parents love, one that fits into my life like this. i see sara practically everyday, and if i don't see her i'm at least talking to her.

sara is my best friend for many reasons, too many to name and write down. plus, i don't see the need. i show her how much she means to me, and a blogspot entry will not sum it all up.

however, i will mention how great it was tonight. we're probably dumbasses, but only you and i will run around your car a million times like that. i love you.

[p.s. completely unrelated to sara. but you know who you are, and if you ever need to talk to me, you know my username, don't be afraid to use it.]

happy birthday haley:

So there was this woman and she was on an airplane and she's flying to meet her fiancé sailing high above the largest ocean on planet earth and she was seated next to this man who you know she had tried to start conversation withbut really the only thing she heard him say was to order his bloody maryand she's sitting there and she's reading this really arduous magazine article about this third world country that she couldn't even pronounce the name of and she's feeling very bored and very despondentand then suddenly there's this huge mechanical failure and one of the engines gave out and they started just falling thirty thousand feet and the pilots on the microphone and he's saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Oh My God, I'm Sorry" and apologizing and she looks at the man and she says,"Where are we going?" and he looks at her and he says, "We're going to a party, it's a birthday party. It's your birthday party, happy birthday darling. We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much."

i hope you had a great birthday darling, i love you so much.

looking back all I can say about all the things he did for me:

i hate this. i hate hate hate it. i hate the fact that a simple memory can drive me to tears. holidays are not going to be fun this year, i'm sorry but it's the truth. i don't see how any of you guys can be pretending that everything is going to be alright and normal this year. no, it won't be and don't even pretend that it could possibly ever be.

thanksgiving will not be fun. thanksgiving will not be an incredible holiday started off by going to my great-grandma's house. he will not be sneaking me pieces of the turkey when it's still juicy because he knows thats when i like it best. he will not be grabbing me and pulling me into a hug and asking me if i'm still his girl. He won't be starting off his sentences with "I remember a little girl who used to..."

That little girl you're talking about is sitting in her bed crying right now. Are you proud of her? She wants you to be. She knows you wouldn't want her crying over you, but she can't help it. She has so many regrets, one of the major ones being not telling you how much you meant to me before i lost the chance to. I think you knew though, I hope you knew.

I have so many memories of you, and all of them seem to come flooding back into my mind when I want them away the most. Not that I ever, ever, EVER want you to be forgotten, but sometimes I can't think about it because it hurts too much.

I especially think about you the closer we get to this holiday season. This whole time of year makes me think of you. But honestly, so does every day of my life.

Tomorrow is Jack of Hearts. Last year you stood beside Nanny and smiled proudly at what his little girl had become. Would you still be proud if you saw me today?

I can't help but think about exactly how much you were there for me. One time that sticks out is when I broke my wrist and was in the hospital. Nothing required you to drive out to the hospital to see me, but you did. You even stayed when you were tired, just to make sure his little girl wasn't alone in the hospital room.

You held my hand. You let me sit on your lap even though I had long past grown too big for it. You didn't mind, you just saw me as your little girl and nothing could change that. You'd always hold my hand wherever I went, and I miss that feeling. Your hands were always calloused and rough from all the farm work you did, and yet I loved it. They were large and my tiny hands fit in them. They were comforting.

The other day we had a long conversation on dead people in Forensics. About what they do with the body when they're setting up the funeral. And I was forced back to those brief two minutes at the visitation when I finally got a moment at your casket alone. When I brought my hand down to your chest and I couldn't feel your heart beating anymore and it finally sunk in that you weren't going to hug me ever, ever again

You weren't who I knew in that casket. Your skin was caked in make-up and it just didn't look like you at all. You looked fake. Plus seeing you laying so still. I think in the sixteen years that you were a part of my life, I never once saw you laying down unless you were holding me. You never stayed still.

I really have to stop now. There's so many words I want to say but I'm so emotionally drained right now. But I have enough emotions for four more:

i love you, Papa

i usually like to be kissed before i feel fucked:

i feel so messed up right now. my head is spinning, i keep looking at the clock and wondering what the fuck is going on. one of my clocks is still an hour ahead and i can't figure out how to fix it, and i'm so confused. my body clock is even off because its only eight and i'm so, so tired now.

i hate daylight savings. my body feels more messed up than ever

i came again!

this is really creepy y/n?

October 29th,2004

A thousand miles seems pretty far. But they've got planes and trains and cars. I'd walk to you if I had no other way. Our friends would all make fun of us but we'll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way. Delilah I can promise you that by the time we get through the world will never ever be the same and you're to blame.

don't think for a second that i haven't forgotten the significance of this date. i miss you alot, but out of respect for your wishes, this will be the last i'll think of you, despite how much i want to cling to something that doesn't exist anymore. i miss you alot, i think of you alot, but that has to end because i love you enough to know when to let go.

A Key Leader Is

a key leader:
Is an active listener.
Conceptualizes ideas and thoughts.
Is empathetic to others.
Has foresight/vision.
Is civic minded.
Is aware of self, others, and organizations.
Is committed to the growth of people.
Is persuasive.
Is compassionate.
Builds community.
Is caring.
Takes action on goals and plans.

Wow, Key Leader weekend was really amazing. I can't believe the amount of fun that I had. I made lots of new friends that have me looking forward to conference. But since summing it up in a paragraph would be impossible, here's the weekend details:

Friday: That school day was impossible. It seemed so long, despite the shortened school day, it still seemed long and endless. But this post is not about school because duh, it's about key leader. So anyway, I get out of school at 1:05 and we make our way out to the van. My mom is already outside waiting for me and alexa to get our stuff. we're all buzzing with excitement for a) this weekend, and b) the fact that we're out of school. The van is cramped by the time we get all nine people in it, with me, alexa, and sara sharing the backseat. I keep trying to put in my headphones and tune out everyone, but alexa kept talking. well, eventually i get her to shut up long enough that i can listen to viva la cobra with minimum interruptions. The four hour ride is long, but not too long that I can't enjoy myself. When we go to the gas station we find that it's decorated entirely in halloween decorations, and that we're finding candy we can't get back home. So we stock up for the weekend. We get to the camp not much later and check in (and check out the hot boysss), and start our key leader experience. The first of our activities was to have everyone fill out a question on your sheet, as a get to know you kind of thing (it was fun!). Then we went and got our dorms, and headed to dinner. After dinner we started the first of our classes, and boy was it fun. The Hannibal Kids all stuck together, due to the fact that we were besties, and that we didn't really know anyone else. After awhile we got in our neighborhoods and decided team names. Ours was Bob The Builders because we're creative like that. Then we presented the posters we made and went back to listening to Dave speak. After the whole class we went to the rec room for awhile, but after deciding that was boring Alexa, Sara, and I went to the dorm and just hung with our awesome roomies until curfew.

Fri. Pictures:

Saturday: Waiting up at 7am was definitely not the highlight of my weekend. I was pretty cranky when I rolled out of bed, but was quickly changed from that mood as i looked out the window and saw SUNSHINE! sunshine! in October! This is a wonderful thing! So Alexa and I (was Sara with us? I don't remember. That's probably bad.) walked down to breakfast and we were having some form of 'egg' product (i didn't eat it). After breakfast we ran up to the meeting building and had several only-slightly mind numbing hours of class-ish stuff. Including the values activity, where we wrote down our top eight values and had to give them up one by one; and the activity where we had to pass cards around where they each said mother, father, baby, brother, or sister ____ (duck, moon, sun, time, etc.) and we had to find our families (one time without talking). After that we had lunch and then it was time for the ropes! I was in the second group for the rope course so I went down to the lake for a few hours. Then we actually got to go on the ropes and that was AMAZING. We got to do all kinds of teamwork stuff and it was really fun. It was great to be a part of something that was so cool like that. Then after that we had dinner and another class. And then! The bonfire. The bonfire was freeeeezing! I sat and texted Haley and then I got up and actually sang in front of people! IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. That's really cool. I'm proud of myself. Then we went to bed!

Sat. Pics!:

Sunday: Our morning started out with me being woke up by Alexa punching my pillow (thanks dollface). I was pretty crabby in the morning as I tried to get all of my stuff together and I was overwhelmed with sadness because I really didn't want to go home. We had breakfast (Oatmeal. Blech.) and then we had closing classes. Our Saturday review included us writing down what we learned on a piece of paper, wadding it up, and having a snowball fight with it. Then we had closing where we wrote a letter to ourselves that Kiwanis will mail in 6 months, and signed everyones posters, and then we graduated. We watched a video of all the pictures that were taken over the weekend, and then we did probably my favorite part of the program. We went outside and stood in a circle holding hands (With my right hand I held the person to the left of me's left hand, and my left hand held the person to the right's right hand..) and we talked about the weekend. Someone said "Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet", I forgot who but that is so true. And then we did this thing where we talked about how people all over the country were doing this very thing right at that moment, and then we turned so we were out of the circle, and went on to change the world.

"well, HOW DO you feel?"

how do i feel? how the fuck do i feel? i feel lost. anxious. so upset i can barely breathe right now.

i'm trying so hard. i'm keeping everything together at school despite the fact that i'm falling apart inside. does it even matter to you that that's happening to me?

you wouldn't know that suicide is making a lot of sense to me right now. yes, i'll be the first to admit that i'm terrified of dying. but what scares me even more is the future. the uncertainty of what will happen to me. how am i supposed to know what will happen to me in ten years? how am i supposed to care about college and scholarships and all these things that i'm told are so important, when i'm not sure that i'll make it through the week. the month. i just want to see christmas.

you don't know that i'm barely surviving. i'm taking live one day at a time. i don't let myself get excited over anything, because in the end i'll just end up more upset than i started. you don't know that i can go days at a time being happy, or at least seeming happy, when i'm terrified of living right now.

i wake up feeling nervous and jittery about the day. i feel that way as i drag myself into school, as i silently do all of my work, as i come home, and as i go to work. i feel like i don't matter anymore. not just to you, but to everyone. everyone lives in their own lives, and no one takes the time to realize that i'm slowly dying.

like i said, suicide is making a LOT of sense, in the way that maybe it'll make the hurting stop. in christianity, however, that wouldn't be the end. but i'm not sure i believe that. i'm not sure i can believe in god anymore. there, i said the thought that's been going through my head for a long, long time. god wouldn't make me live like this. and besides, if there is a god, wouldn't he realize that i'm not strong enough to take this? but i don't believe in it. i'm not sure what i believe. sitting through church services make me squirmy. i feel like an imposter. all these people praying and worshipping, when all i can think about is how i can't believe any of it. honestly, i don't. i've had people share there beliefs and try to force their beliefs down my throat, but it doesn't help. it just doesn't.


i'm sick of all of this shit. i'm sick of the betrayals. but no, suicide isn't something i'm going to do. you all think i'm not strong enough. you don't think i can pull myself through this. but i will. if i can't live to be truely happy, then goddamn it, i'll live to prove you all wrong.

lyrics to live by

I'm sorry that in your condition, the sunshines been missing, but don't believe that it isn't there. Be happy, this world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?

dinner:

"If you won that contest, what happens?"

"I get to take twenty of my closest friends to watch a football game with Tony G."

"Would you take me?"

"No!"

"No?!"

"No!"

"WHY NOT!"

"Because you're not one of my closest friends!"

"Um. Mom. I lived inside of you for nine months."

"I know."

"There's not much closer we can be."

"Nah."

"Well, part of me is probably still inside of you."

"Well, that explains why you're crazy. The important parts got left behind"

and i'll be thinking about tomorrow

dormousexxx (7:14:21 PM): you get new aims a lot..
seized the brave (7:14:11 PM): rofl i do not!
dormousexxx (7:14:36 PM): this is your third one!
seized the brave (7:14:30 PM): IN A YEAR
dormousexxx (7:14:51 PM): ..true.
seized the brave (7:14:40 PM): i've had kept past demons since january!
seized the brave (7:15:03 PM): and i got haylie carden awhile back.
dormousexxx (7:15:28 PM): truuue.
seized the brave (7:15:28 PM): but this one is cute!
dormousexxx (7:16:04 PM): yesyes! tis
seized the brave (7:16:15 PM): :[ idk what yours means
dormousexxx (7:16:41 PM): dormouse?
dormousexxx (7:17:01 PM): http://www.wildlifetrust.org.uk/cheshire/IMAGES/proj_dormouse_branch.jpg
seized the brave (7:17:14 PM): AWW ITS CUTE
dormousexxx (7:17:35 PM): I KNOW
seized the brave (7:17:40 PM): ROFL in my head i say dor-moooose not dormouse
dormousexxx (7:18:13 PM): lol!
seized the brave (7:18:08 PM): so i was expecting like a moose or something
seized the brave (7:18:12 PM): and i'm like OH A MOUSE I GET IT
dormousexxx (7:18:47 PM): : D
dormousexxx (7:18:52 PM): I LOVE DORMICE
dormousexxx (7:18:55 PM): they're so cuuute.
dormousexxx (7:19:09 PM): when i had blonde hair i looked like one. and i gues i still do since they can be black-ish too
seized the brave (7:18:55 PM): when i first saw it i was like 'dor-mou=sexx!
seized the brave (7:19:00 PM): haha that's cute
dormousexxx (7:20:13 PM): :'D I was like 'lol i have sexxx in my name 8D'
seized the brave (7:20:06 PM): hahahaha! i know i was like
seized the brave (7:20:10 PM): okayy?
seized the brave (7:20:15 PM): because then it's like dorm
seized the brave (7:20:21 PM): and i was like "oh she's promoting college sex?
seized the brave (7:20:40 PM): it was HORRIBLE TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT
dormousexxx (7:21:16 PM): dorm ou sexxx. XD
seized the brave (7:21:16 PM): dorm thou sex would be better
seized the brave (7:21:28 PM): THOU, GO TO YOUR DORM AND HAVE SEX.
seized the brave (7:21:41 PM): i think this conversation stopped making sense a long time ago.
dormousexxx (7:23:01 PM): yes. yes, it did.
seized the brave (7:22:55 PM): but that's okay.
dormousexxx (7:23:21 PM): ofcourse it is. we're all mad here.
seized the brave (7:23:17 PM): you're madi

i'm sorry i told you all my problems.

the past few months have been difficult, terrifying, and amazing. these months i've suffered and been happy and everything.

i'm done with being upset all the time.

i'll choose to be happy, and that means that i can't deal with all of your shit anymore.

halloween is her best time of year:

i don't think i can take this anymore

my one comfort item is basically ruined, thanks to you two. thanks for not trusting me enough to go up to my own room, forcing me to have my brother go get it. thanks for allowing him to hug it, thanks for letting him get it to smell like him, and now it's just not the same.

now it doesn't smell like haley and pizza.

it smells like this house and thousands of horrible memories.

i'm sorry

i'm sorry that you decided not to tell me anything, i'm sorry that you decided that i act like your mother, i'm sorry that i'm fucking worried. You keep telling me that theres nothing to be worried about, but I disagree. You not sleeping worries me. You not moving as fast as you normally do worries me. The way you never smile worries me. The fact that you call me crying worries me. Goddamn it. I don't need to explain myself. You're my fucking best friend, and I care.

I'm not going to stand around while you're miserable. I'm not going to watch you tear yourself apart. I know you're depressed, don't lie to me. But god, stop pushing me away and let me help.

I care Sara. I really do. I'm scared for you.

li/oving.

i love these kids. every last one of them.

she is cheesy, she is scrawny with her uncanny styling. i'm teasing she is pleasing.

you know, i talk about my friends alot, especially haley. but there is one person in my life that i don't talk about simply because i can't find the words to describe how much she means to me, and that is my best friend sara.

sara is one of those people that you don't yell at. you get mad and then get over it. there's no fights. no screaming. just me and her and i love it. she's my friend that i can spend hours with analyzing william's movements in an episode of mtv live, finding out why william seems to be fucking butcher, or rewinding to see a bit of bulge. driving around with the windows down blasting fall out boy, or panic!, or tai or whatever we're wanting at the time. going through the park, driving to the outskirts of town. we make the best of the time we spend together.

and sometimes, sometimes spending time with her makes me ache for summer to be back, but most of the time i'm just happy to be with someone. sara means more to me than i can express. we joke about william and gabe and everyone else on fbr, gossip about the lastest on fbr_trash, go to mcdonalds and burger king and java jive in the same night.

and that's just tonight. i can't wait to see what the rest of high school brings us.

i love you, you mean so much to me.

we're probably racist, but we're fun:

"I know how to fly plane, but me no know how to land! but that's okay, me no need to!"

.............

and;

"HEY ANDREW, WHAT COMES ON THE MUSLIM PIZZA?!"

..............

i love my job.

i've never been so

i feel really scared right now. and weak from crying for 6 hours straight? i guess that makes sense.

school time. eugh.

your smile stretch from here to la

last night at work i got so nervous/scared/anxious and it was so crazy. towards the end i was dying to come home, and i was trying to hurry but even that isn't a distraction to what was going on in my head. its a mix of emotions and thoughts that come too fast for them to register and it really freaks me out. I don't know, I guess it's stupid to get so worked up over something.

I'm trying to think of something interesting to say? The other night i shoved a knife through my foot? Is that interesting enough for you?

I don't want to go to work today, I really don't. The very idea is making me want to curl into a ball and sleep for days. and when i get home today, I might just do that.

but until then, I have to go to work and earn money. boring? yes.

a brief conversation at work

"This pizza looks SCRUMPTIOUS!"

"What?! Who says SCRUMPTIOUS"

"Haha WHAT?"

"That's like that one time someone said 'These buns are so moist', like seriously who says that"

"Me."

i'm up earlier now than yesterday

i'm ever so patiently waiting on my mother to get done drying her hair so we can get me off to school for key club. and part of me wants to mention that i might only be going to key club this morning for the donuts. but that's not the only reason, i promise. i have work tonight, and i can't be more excited. whoo. last night was a mess of emotions and my head wouldn't stop racing, and i really need people who can look at me when i've been quiet for a long time and simply say, "Stop thinking."

I can say that to myself, but it's not good enough.

I'm the type of girl that will babble about nothing important if it'll distract me from my thoughts. Maybe I'm crazy, but hell, it works.

ps. i'm going to write an important entry one of these days, just wait until i get a day off and i'll have blogspots pouring out of me. until then...

why i love my job

"If I take you to St. Louis you'll have to find your own way home"

"That's fine! Marena we could stay at my friends house!"

"Uh, All I have to do is promise Mike Carden sexual favors and I'll get a ride home."

oh and one more thing:

next time you start to get all bitchy that we don't get to talk, stop and think of all the things i'm doing for you. i'm trying to stay up to talk to you because i miss you, and all you can do is say you want to go to bed. i better not hear another fucking word about you being bored, i don't want to hear it.

but i get that you're sick and need your rest. but whatever.

an open letter to you:

"it's only 11. You shouldn't be going to bed yet. You've done nothing today to make you tired."

What the fuck dad? You think I haven't done anything? Well first of all, the instant Haley went back to school was the instant my sleep schedule went down the toilet. All the things that used to soothe me to sleep disappeared and now i'm averaging about 2-3 hours of sleep a night. And that's not bad enough oh no no, but i had to get up at six and drag myself out of bed. and THEN i had to go to school for only 5 hours, but that was excruciating. and sure, you think that the two hours i got to sit down in front of my tv were like, nap time. but honestly, i studied and did my chores and all of that shit. but now, then at five, you seem to believe that i went to party time. but no, i went to cassanos to do my JOB. and i was on my feet for 5 and a half hours and I AM TERRIBLY FUCKING SORRY THAT I HAVEN'T GOT TO TALK TO YOU, BUT MY GOD I'M TRYING.

and ps i'll wash my own fucking shirt if it's that big of a deal. but god it's not like i asked you to do much. i have one shirt for work and that's not my fault.

i probably shouldn't be saying this

i'm not the type of girl that would be considered 'beautiful'. i'm not the girl that can crawl into bed and fall asleep. i'm not the ditzy girl my father thinks i am. i'm not the straight a student that my mother wishes from me. i'm not a good best friend. i have trouble listening. i get distracted too easily. i walk into doors and walls too much. i obsess over bands and hold them close to heart. i watch too much tv and spend too much time online. i'm terrible at spanish but decent in html. i have trouble getting my mind to shut up. i'm not the poster child for perfect skin. i'm not sporty like my brother. i'm not girly like my cousins. i don't do drugs. i don't smoke, i don't drink. i'm not pretty and popular. i hate shopping. i'm stubborn and selfish. i never listen. i make mistakes too much. my grammar is bad and so is my spelling. i'm immature. i have trouble making goals and even more trouble sticking to them.

but the point is, i'm doing okay.

when the summer is gone

honestly, nothing can describe the overwhelming feeling of sadness i got last night (this morning?) when sara and alexa pulled out of my driveway at 12:05 am. We stood in the driveway for at least 5 minutes just talking about summer. they were in my room for about two hours and i can't help but think that it's the last time the three of us will be in the same room until school starts. Plus it doesn't help that Sara got grounded for being an hour and a half past curfew, oops.

This summer has been a wonderful time, no matter how much i've complained about being bored, or wanting school to start. The closer it gets, the more terrified I am. I've gotten too used to going to bed at three in the morning, waking up to a phone call from haley at nine or ten. Getting to stay up late, be with my friends whenever I want. All these things I've been doing for three months and now that's going away. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself once school starts. I'm not letting my friends fall through the cracks.

Somehow, I'm going to manage having a job, school, and friends. I'll make sure they get the love they deserve (Sara and Alexa will be the easy ones, texting is allowed after 10, i'm positive.) but Haley however, she's going to be the difficult one. She can't text when she's at her dad's, and she has to go to bed at 9:30 for me.

I'll figure this out. I have to. I have to keep up or I'll never make it through the school year.

[PS Sara I wrote something similar to this in Tired Boys but you'll get to read that whenever I'm ready to give the notebook back up. I loved your elephant drawing by the way, even though I totally thought it was a peen. haha. i love you and i'll see you soon.]

scratch that

i got the job.

nerves

i have a job interview in 36 minutes and i feel incredibly nervous.

wish me luck?

three months

the day he died was the morning after honda civic. i remember i had just gotten to my dad's when my mom called. i answered the phone and she immediately asked for my dad. this was unusual, but i thought nothing of it. but when my dad rushed into the kitchen telling me to get up and get my stuff together because i was going to my grandma's, i knew something was up but my dad wouldn't tell me what.

the car ride took only 3 minutes, but the whole time i stayed silent and tried to think of what could possibly be wrong. my grandma sick? royce sick? cows out and needing my help? nothing could have possibly prepared me for what my mother had to say the instant i got out of the car. when she told me, it was an overwhelming feeling of disbelief as i took off running towards the garage. surely, he's not dead and this is just a joke. a cruel, cruel joke and he's going to pop out from behind something to scare me. i managed to break away from my mom and dad, probably the first time they've ever hugged me at the same time ever, and i run inside the house, freezing at the sight of my grandma on the couch in tears. and my only thoughts were it's true, it's true. and what the hell am i going to do now?

what happened after that is a blur to me. a series of tears and hugs and running to the corners of the house just to get away. my father having the nerve to tell me that it was selfish to cry. that i needed to be strong. the way i immediately got up and got my cousins and went for a walk down parker lane, which proved to be a bad idea considering the countless times i've gone for a walk with him there. i stayed the night at the house that night, but went home the next day.

the visitation is a blur too, nothing but being pushed towards the casket and it finally hitting me that he was dead as i saw his pale, cold body laying there. it brought a sea of fresh tears and it had me running to the end of the funeral home. just to get away from it. just to breathe.

his funeral was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. i remember the glares from family members as i took my seat, a personal invitation to sit between my grandma and great-grandma, being able to hold their hands and help them through this. the way i didn't care when i got yelled at for getting in the limo with my great-grandma. the way i needed to be near her and she needed me. watching his casket being lowered into the ground. going inside the church for my first meal in over a week.

it's been three months since my great-grandpa died, and i'd like to think that i'm starting to get over it, but i know i'm not. and i know that my family hasn't bounced back yet. i know by the way we get choked up when we hear some songs, by the way we'll avoid the garage completely unless we have to get food for the cows. the way my mom and i feel like crying every time we talk about the cows being gone. i know we're not over it and we probably won't be for a long, long time.

but that's okay. my grandpa and i were very, very close and you don't just get over that. i don't think anyone expects me to. he encouraged me, praised everything i did, he taught me, and god, he raised me. i spent more time at his house than i did at home. in fact, i remember that the good majority of my kindergarten days were spent with him leading me by the hand into the classroom. i miss that. i wish i could go back to those days and stay in his arms for just a little longer.

a lot of the memories i have of growing up involved him. he taught me how to ride a bike, taught me how to take care of animals, helped me become the person i am today. but now, my mother asked me to give her my favorite memory, and i had trouble coming up with one.

he gave me morals and i hope to god that i'm making him proud. i'm trying my best to keep myself together and not get caught up in the things he raised me to say no to. if my mother can't keep me from it, at least knowing that he wouldn't want me to will.

i promise i'm going to make him proud. i need to remember all of the good times i had with him and keep them close to heart. i need to remember the last words between us, him wishing me to rock out at honda civic tour, a hug and a kiss, and exchanged "i love you"s.

i need that to keep me sane.

honestly

you've got some nerve telling me what to say in this. it's my blogspot. my thoughts, my words, my feelings. don't you dare say that i need to take something out because it hurts your feelings.

oh please, like you've never hurt mine.

to you:

you know, really, it's just school, and it feels like i'm going to lose you forever. i've gotten way too attached to the fact that i can get ahold of you any time of the day, everyday. and maybe that's not healthy, but it's just how i am. i'm sorry that i'm clingy, i'm sorry that you have to worry about me, i'm sorry. But I'll be okay. Eventually, I'll be okay.

But it's also pretty cool that i might get to meet you in a couple weeks. Please, please let that happen for me. Please please please. I'm praying because I really need this. I need to meet you and see you and let you hug me in person because that would be amazing. please please please.

this is why we shouldn't watch the news at lunch:

"When I was younger, my polly pockets didn't have magnets. Their clothes were just made out of rubber and you were screwed if you ripped it."

"When I was younger, my dolls' clothes were made out of cloth. It didn't really rip."

"When I was younger, my dolls' were made out of paper!"

"Well screw you all. When I was younger I didn't have dolls!"

feeling special

"When was the last time I looked this cute?"

"Yesterday"

why we love each other.

haylie carden (10:02:58 PM): =] AND MIKE BEAR.
haley becks (10:03:14 PM): AND WILLIAM!
haley becks (10:03:19 PM): CAN BE REUNITEDDDDDDDDDDD
haylie carden (10:03:13 PM): AND LIKE YEAH.
haley becks (10:03:25 PM): AND IT'LL FEEL SO GOOOOOD
haylie carden (10:03:35 PM): ...they're not gonna fuck, haley.

your typical missouri family

After Tyler Burps:

"TYLER. WHAT DO YOU SAY"

"Uhh."

"Niiiice One."

"Well, Better out the front than out the back."

nicole and i need to go back to school now.

kept past demons (9:31:06 PM): my feetsies are coolddd.
began to burn (9:32:44 PM): mine aren't
kept past demons (9:33:14 PM): my feet are like popsicles!
began to burn (9:34:00 PM): YUM
began to burn (9:34:01 PM): flavored?
kept past demons (9:33:25 PM): feet flavored.
began to burn (9:34:18 PM): ew
kept past demons (9:33:55 PM): sorry, but what flavor would you like my feet to be?
began to burn (9:35:01 PM): banana
kept past demons (9:34:28 PM): i'll get right on that.
began to burn (9:35:32 PM): yay
began to burn (9:37:26 PM): my toes hurt
kept past demons (9:36:54 PM): my toes are COLD.
began to burn (9:37:51 PM): PUT ON SOME SOCKS
kept past demons (9:37:20 PM): like i know i'm being overdramatic about them
kept past demons (9:37:23 PM): but OH MY GOD so cold!
began to burn (9:38:15 PM): hahaha
kept past demons (9:38:09 PM): my parents enjoy making me wear hoodies in the summer, i swear
began to burn (9:39:04 PM): lmao
kept past demons (9:42:19 PM): that's sad.
kept past demons (9:42:33 PM): ...i think one of my feet just fell off.
began to burn (9:43:27 PM): FROSSTTTBITTTEEE
kept past demons (9:43:03 PM): yeah. my foot just just laying on the floor.
began to burn (9:43:53 PM): just just
kept past demons (9:43:22 PM): yes. i'm trying to prove my point!
began to burn (9:44:12 PM): and what point is that?
kept past demons (9:43:38 PM): THAT MY FEET ARE COLD
kept past demons (9:43:44 PM): HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING NO ATTENTION AT ALL
began to burn (9:44:28 PM): PUT SOME SOCKS ON DUMB FUCK
kept past demons (9:43:53 PM): I DON'T WANNA GET UP.
began to burn (9:44:54 PM): use your cat
kept past demons (9:44:40 PM): ...why is it that the first thing that comes to mind when you say 'use your cat' is 'moooo.'?
began to burn (9:45:35 PM): because you didn't learn the right animal sounds in kindergarden
kept past demons (9:45:07 PM): righttt.
kept past demons (9:45:27 PM): just like cows bark and dogs oink. :]
began to burn (9:46:40 PM): no they don't!
kept past demons (9:46:22 PM): they don'tttt?
began to burn (9:47:12 PM): no!
kept past demons (9:46:46 PM): what sounds do they make then, smarty pants?
began to burn (9:47:48 PM): dogs bark and cows quack
began to burn (9:47:51 PM): FUCK
began to burn (9:47:53 PM): COWS MOO
kept past demons (9:47:20 PM): ROFL.
began to burn (9:48:04 PM): i hate my life.
kept past demons (9:47:28 PM): i love you too.
began to burn (9:48:17 PM): thank you
began to burn (9:48:26 PM): i'm hungry
kept past demons (9:48:21 PM): use my cat!
began to burn (9:49:17 PM): i'm not going to eat your cat
began to burn (9:49:29 PM): and don't reuse my advice, either!!!
kept past demons (9:48:57 PM): use my feet!
began to burn (9:50:01 PM): ...
began to burn (9:50:05 PM): i thought they fell off
kept past demons (9:50:33 PM): ...righttt.
began to burn (9:51:45 PM): my feet hurt now
kept past demons (9:51:18 PM): mine are COLD.

you're my everything.

baby. i love you, i need you. god this made me bawl and i don't even know what to say. i've never felt so loved, so appreciated, so needed.

i know you're always a phone call away. and i know that sometimes i'll get mad because you don't answer. i know i get jealous when you're around your friends. but that's only because i can't truely be with you.

one day that will change, i swear to it. one day i'll be able to hug you in person and you'll know how to keep me happy. one day i'll come to you and i won't be able to go back home.

i know that your house will be a good place for me. and i know that next summer i'll be there. something just tells me that i will. something.

god made us friends for a reason, i truly believe that. i've never believed anything so much. i've never needed anyone so much. i've never felt this close to anyone.

you're special, haley bedford, i hope you know that. i hope you know that you mean the world to me. i wouldn't have gotten through a lot of the things that have been shoved on me this last year if it wasn't for you.

we're connected. we're connected through those bands that we wear on our wrists, clear through the names to the love in our hearts. i know that that sounds cheesy, but its true.

i've never been truly mad at you. sure, you'll make me mad sometimes. but i can't stay mad at you, i need you and i can't stand not being able to talk to you. we can't fight. its not in our blood.

god i love you. i can't say that enough. you're my best friend and you always will be. i don't care what anyone else says.

you know how to calm me down, how to make me smile. the smallest thing you do can fix everything.

i don't keep anything from you. i can't keep anything from you. even if i try, i feel so bad and i have to tell you. i've never been so honest with anyone, ever.

god, i know how you feel about this word thing. even everything i've said isn't enough to let you know what an impact you've made in my life.

i love you. i've never said any truer words.

you look like the songs i've heard my whole life coming true

i love the soft nights. the quiet time where every noise is mine, mine to control and enjoy. the hum of my laptop, the tapping of keys, the soft music. everything. everything that makes me feel so at peace. i'm really going to miss this when i have to go back to school. i'm going to miss talking to haley at two in the morning. at three. at four. at any time of the day i ever want. i'm going to miss hanging out with sara and alexa as much as i do.

and yet, i'm completely excited for school to start. because i know that this year is going to be better. it has to be better. plus the rewards of this year will be amazing. all i have to do is get my grades up and a visit to haley is in the works. i promise i'll make this happen. i want this more than anything i've ever wanted before. more than nicole moving back to hannibal, more than mike carden pledging his undying love more me. what i want is to see haley in person, to be able to hug her and tell her how much she means to me.

this year is going to save me. i'm excited to go back to school and be surrounded everyday by these people that love and care about me. i need that. i need to see them again and be with those hugs. even as much as i see sara and alexa, its truely never enough. i've let them slip into my life and now they mean more to me than i could have ever imagined.

so this year: i will stop being so overemotional. i won't be overdramatic. i'll cut out everyone that isn't healthy for me to be around. i'll get away from everyone who has ever hurt me. i'll do my homework and get good grades. i'll do these things because i fear what could happen if i don't.

to the people who treat me like trash: get out.
to the people i hug: keep me close to you.
to the people i cry to: you are trusted.
to those people i call baby: you are loved.
to those people i say 'i love you' to: i mean it.
to the people i remind often: you are needed.
to the people who can say it back: thank you.
to the people that mean it: stay in my life forever.
to the one person who can make me smile always: stay close to me always. never leave me and always be there for me.

i'll do the same for you.

to my true best friend:

you are the person that means the world to me. the person that can pull me through everything. your voice makes me smile, even when i feel like the world is crushing me in. you're the most amazing person i know, full of smiles and virtual hugs. you never upset me. you're 767 miles away from me, but sometimes it feels like you're in my room. you're the person i cry to when i can't deal. you're the person who never yells at me for being overemotional or overdramatic. i met you over the internet, but yet i know you better than anyone. i can be a total bitch to you and you're still loving and caring. you don't care that i'm totally annoying sometimes. you make me feel special and you know who i really am. and even though i am whiney, you still love me. i'm enough to you. i can never do anything to make you hate me and trust me, that's the greatest feeling in the world.

next summer is going to be amazing, i just know it.

never saying goodbye

a few days ago i posted a blog regarding my kitten, Santi. It's hard for me to believe that i'll probably never see her again. She's been missing since tuesday, the day i posted that bulletin.

to be completely honest, it's ripping me apart. every word of comfort i'm given isn't enough to make the pain go away.

i knew i should have brought her home. i didn't protect her, and now she's probably dead and it's all my fault.

please don't make me cry

When I was younger I went to Oakwood Elementary, but my third grade year I had to go to Central school one day a week for the gifted program. I despised the program, the teacher, the school, any part of it that wasn't familiar to me. I didn't know anyone there, and I was incredibly shy and afraid to ask questions or introduce myself.

I don't remember much of that year, except for that on the playground there was this huge map of the US. I can remember standing on Missouri, closing my eyes and spinning around in circles until I was dizzy. Then I'd take a step as far as I could go, and that would be where I would want to live.

9 times out of 10, it was Chicago.

I've never been to Chicago, but some part of me has always known that that's where I'm going to end up.

I hope I'm right. Right now I'd give anything to get out of this town.

its going to be

just a few minutes ago i was out at my grandma's, and my little cousin Bella was there. She's 3 years old, and she's the sweetest kid ever. She was playing with my kitten, Santi, and to hear her say its name, in that cute little kid voice

i knew everything was going to be okay.

maybe not now, maybe not next week, but eventually,

i will be okay.

could i be possibly insane?

last night i finally opened up to my mother about all of the things that have been bothering me recently. or all the things that have happened. but most of all, i told her about the amount of times i've thought about suicide to escape everything i've been feeling.

it was one of the hardest things i have done in my life, but by far i'm glad i did it

maybe someone will help me now.

i won't let this get me. i will fight.

the past six months of my life have been the hardest months of my life. in short, my grandma has had a heart attack, my grandpa has died, i've turned sixteen, i've graduated tenth grade. the first thing, my grandma's heart attack, is something i do not talk about. i do not acknowledge it, i do not think about it, i just live my life and pretend it didn't happen. the second i don't talk about either, but unlike the first it is absolutely impossible for me to ignore, i have to deal with it every day. and even now, even when i should write about it, i can't bring myself to say anything about it. i can't make myself, and i won't.

in february i started having panic attacks at school for no reason whatsoever. they'd get so bad that my mom was having to remove me from school 2-3 days a week. i wasn't sleeping at night. i could barely talk about it. it was affecting everything and i didn't know how to stop it. i still don't know how to stop it. my mom finally took me to a doctor and it was no help whatsoever.

ever since then i've been feeling worse and worse.

the slightest thing can bring me down. haley leaving for a few minutes to go to the bathroom, my mom needing me to go to the store, not talking to nicole in over a week. and when i feel like this, i don't care how fantastic my day has been, its enough to make me start bawling.

i hate feeling like this. i need help. i just wish i knew how to ask for it.