"well, HOW DO you feel?"

how do i feel? how the fuck do i feel? i feel lost. anxious. so upset i can barely breathe right now.

i'm trying so hard. i'm keeping everything together at school despite the fact that i'm falling apart inside. does it even matter to you that that's happening to me?

you wouldn't know that suicide is making a lot of sense to me right now. yes, i'll be the first to admit that i'm terrified of dying. but what scares me even more is the future. the uncertainty of what will happen to me. how am i supposed to know what will happen to me in ten years? how am i supposed to care about college and scholarships and all these things that i'm told are so important, when i'm not sure that i'll make it through the week. the month. i just want to see christmas.

you don't know that i'm barely surviving. i'm taking live one day at a time. i don't let myself get excited over anything, because in the end i'll just end up more upset than i started. you don't know that i can go days at a time being happy, or at least seeming happy, when i'm terrified of living right now.

i wake up feeling nervous and jittery about the day. i feel that way as i drag myself into school, as i silently do all of my work, as i come home, and as i go to work. i feel like i don't matter anymore. not just to you, but to everyone. everyone lives in their own lives, and no one takes the time to realize that i'm slowly dying.

like i said, suicide is making a LOT of sense, in the way that maybe it'll make the hurting stop. in christianity, however, that wouldn't be the end. but i'm not sure i believe that. i'm not sure i can believe in god anymore. there, i said the thought that's been going through my head for a long, long time. god wouldn't make me live like this. and besides, if there is a god, wouldn't he realize that i'm not strong enough to take this? but i don't believe in it. i'm not sure what i believe. sitting through church services make me squirmy. i feel like an imposter. all these people praying and worshipping, when all i can think about is how i can't believe any of it. honestly, i don't. i've had people share there beliefs and try to force their beliefs down my throat, but it doesn't help. it just doesn't.


i'm sick of all of this shit. i'm sick of the betrayals. but no, suicide isn't something i'm going to do. you all think i'm not strong enough. you don't think i can pull myself through this. but i will. if i can't live to be truely happy, then goddamn it, i'll live to prove you all wrong.