just need light (9:59:28 PM): i gotta go bb
gaylor goes home (9:59:37 PM): k bye bbgun
just need light (9:59:53 PM): text sexxxqueen?
just need light (9:59:59 PM): that makes you sound like a porn star.
gaylor goes home (10:00:07 PM): LMAO WTF
gaylor goes home (10:00:18 PM): go to sleep, you're a lunatic
gaylor goes home (10:00:23 PM): text me
just need light (10:00:27 PM): i don't think sleep will really fix that.
gaylor goes home (10:00:29 PM): sext messages
gaylor goes home (10:00:36 PM): don't text me those ahaha
just need light (10:00:48 PM): n. i'll text you xxxtra love.
just need light (10:00:51 PM): messages.
gaylor goes home (10:01:00 PM): well ok
gaylor goes home (10:01:08 PM): bye bye now
just need light (10:01:15 PM): and remember. i love you more than all the boysss.
just need light (10:01:20 PM): k gurl?
gaylor goes home (10:01:39 PM): OMG YEAH HOES BEFORE BROS
just need light (10:01:45 PM): I IS NOT A HO.
gaylor goes home (10:01:45 PM): BYE LOVER
just need light (10:01:57 PM): BYE REVOL
gaylor goes home (10:01:59 PM): yaaaa
gaylor goes home (10:02:05 PM): REVOL?
just need light (10:02:10 PM): LOVER, BACKWARDS.
just need light (10:02:21 PM): BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO WEIRD TO BE FORWARDS.
gaylor goes home (10:02:31 PM): OMG
just need light (10:02:36 PM): WUT.
gaylor goes home (10:02:37 PM): OMG
just need light (10:02:40 PM): WUT?!
gaylor goes home (10:02:42 PM): <3 LUBBBSSS
gaylor goes home (10:02:47 PM): HAHAHA I'M BACKASSWARDS
gaylor goes home (10:02:52 PM): YOUR MOTHA
gaylor goes home (10:02:57 PM): GET OFFLINE NOW
just need light (10:03:13 PM): NO.
just need light (10:03:16 PM): WELL OKAY.
just need light (10:03:19 PM): AFTER I BLOG THIS.
gaylor goes home (10:03:21 PM): K BYESSSS
gaylor goes home (10:03:30 PM): OK HOORAY
gaylor goes home (10:03:35 PM): BLAH BLAH BLOG
gaylor goes home (10:03:40 PM): HOW BOUT THAT BLOG
gaylor goes home (10:03:46 PM): BLOGGERS MAKE BETTER LOVERS
gaylor goes home (10:03:59 PM): blog in a bog with the fog and a hog
gaylor goes home (10:04:13 PM): jog while you blog!
just need light (10:04:18 PM): LMFAO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
gaylor goes home (10:04:24 PM): I WANT TO GO TO VAGINALAND
gaylor goes home (10:04:30 PM): BYE
Monday, September 29, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
you can breathe but the air is running out:
Step back.
Imagine one of the most important people in your life. Imagine them being ripped away from you, if only for a month. Imagine them being your oxygen, one thing that keeps you alive. Imagine living without that person. Imagine imagining living without them for a month. Imagine having no idea how they'll be doing, or having any way to find out.
Don't complain, you see, that I'm not going to be spending time with you. Oh trust me baby, I'll need you more than ever.
I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry because it wasn't intentional. It was me hurting. Gasping. Aching.
Being torn apart and trying to sew myself together, all while you pick away at what's left. You pointed out my flaws. Pointed out hers. I love you, but I love her too. Don't make me choose.
I love her more than you could imagine, just like I love you.
I'm barely breathing, but I'm trying. I'm trying so damn hard because I can't let myself fall apart. Not now. I need to be strong. For her.
For you.
Imagine one of the most important people in your life. Imagine them being ripped away from you, if only for a month. Imagine them being your oxygen, one thing that keeps you alive. Imagine living without that person. Imagine imagining living without them for a month. Imagine having no idea how they'll be doing, or having any way to find out.
Don't complain, you see, that I'm not going to be spending time with you. Oh trust me baby, I'll need you more than ever.
I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry because it wasn't intentional. It was me hurting. Gasping. Aching.
Being torn apart and trying to sew myself together, all while you pick away at what's left. You pointed out my flaws. Pointed out hers. I love you, but I love her too. Don't make me choose.
I love her more than you could imagine, just like I love you.
I'm barely breathing, but I'm trying. I'm trying so damn hard because I can't let myself fall apart. Not now. I need to be strong. For her.
For you.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
you can't escape now:
No, I can't escape. This is eating me alive. It's getting worse by the minute. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want my arms to know blades again.
But they won't, they can't. They won't because I know what I'd lose if I did.
Today could not have been worse.
But they won't, they can't. They won't because I know what I'd lose if I did.
Today could not have been worse.
Monday, September 22, 2008
all again for you:
There's something about Key Club that sends a warm feeling through my body. It's one thing I have to look forward to. I count down the days until the next meeting, until the next time I can help do something. Help be a part of something. It's sad that I measure my days in what I can do for key club.
I'm so excited for Key Leader. Not just because of it being Key Leader, but honestly that weekend with be so healthy for me. A nice break. A great weekend.
It was sunny today. Sunshine is magical.
I'm so excited for Key Leader. Not just because of it being Key Leader, but honestly that weekend with be so healthy for me. A nice break. A great weekend.
It was sunny today. Sunshine is magical.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
i need space so i can breathe:
Healthy healthy healthy.
I'll be healthy. So what if I don't need you anymore. So what? I can't let people to that to me anymore. I can't let people push me around. I can't put the needs of others in front of my own anymore. I have to let myself be me. And yeah, well, maybe sometimes even I don't know who that is. But that's what I'm trying to figure out.
And I certainly don't need people like you pushing me into something else. It's like you all fucking have a mold and I don't fit into that. I can't fit in to that. I don't want to conform into something like you. You're the kind of person I hate.
I want to be myself. The true, genuine me that Malissie, Brandi, and Dennis got to know this summer. And you fucking say that I never let you know about what I was going through this summer. What I was feeling. But really, if I would have, would you have listened?
Probably not. Probably not because even if you could, for once, untangle yourself from your fucking boyfriend, you probably would have never listened. Would have never cared. You never wanted to know the real me. And I was never myself around you. I molded into who you needed me to be, and I can't do that anymore.
I can't handle it. I'm falling apart at the seams right now. They'd notice. They'd see the sudden change in me. They'd see the way I look and feel like a zombie. Emotionless. Numb. On the brink of falling apart one more time. But you don't notice. You don't care. How many times to I have to say, "I'm dying" before you listen. Before you believe me.
I hate you.
I hate that you can't see this. And I hate that it's really not your fault. I never let you see the true me and sure, you would never know what 'falling apart' looks like.
I don't need you anymore. I need them. And the sucky thing is that they're not here anymore. But even then, they still care ten thousand times more than you ever will.
I'll be healthy. So what if I don't need you anymore. So what? I can't let people to that to me anymore. I can't let people push me around. I can't put the needs of others in front of my own anymore. I have to let myself be me. And yeah, well, maybe sometimes even I don't know who that is. But that's what I'm trying to figure out.
And I certainly don't need people like you pushing me into something else. It's like you all fucking have a mold and I don't fit into that. I can't fit in to that. I don't want to conform into something like you. You're the kind of person I hate.
I want to be myself. The true, genuine me that Malissie, Brandi, and Dennis got to know this summer. And you fucking say that I never let you know about what I was going through this summer. What I was feeling. But really, if I would have, would you have listened?
Probably not. Probably not because even if you could, for once, untangle yourself from your fucking boyfriend, you probably would have never listened. Would have never cared. You never wanted to know the real me. And I was never myself around you. I molded into who you needed me to be, and I can't do that anymore.
I can't handle it. I'm falling apart at the seams right now. They'd notice. They'd see the sudden change in me. They'd see the way I look and feel like a zombie. Emotionless. Numb. On the brink of falling apart one more time. But you don't notice. You don't care. How many times to I have to say, "I'm dying" before you listen. Before you believe me.
I hate you.
I hate that you can't see this. And I hate that it's really not your fault. I never let you see the true me and sure, you would never know what 'falling apart' looks like.
I don't need you anymore. I need them. And the sucky thing is that they're not here anymore. But even then, they still care ten thousand times more than you ever will.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
why don't you wait until you're sedated:
You know what? Fuck all of you. Fuck every single one of you for even thinking that you could bring me down like that. Fuck you for saying something like "Why don't you just quit already, everyone hates you anyway." And fuck all of you for saying that you agreed with that statement. Fuck you for forcing me to swallow the tears that followed.
Because hell, I'm not letting you see me weak. Maybe I did run away to the back of the kitchen. Maybe I did stay there all night doing dishes and yeah, maybe a few tears were shed because of the words you said. But you know what? Fuck you.
I don't need your approval. I've worked SO FUCKING HARD the last few months to get to where I am right now. I was happy. For once I was genuinely happy. Feeling good about living and even thinking that I might be good enough to make something of myself. I'm not letting you come by and wreck that.
And to you. How fucking dare you touch me. How fucking dare you put your hands on my hips like they belong there. They don't. Not anymore. I'm ending this right here.
I'm done with you. Over you. Completely because name one minute in the last six months where you were a good thing for me.
I can't name any but I can certainly name millions of times when you were bad for me. Just look at my arms and remember that you're the very reason for the scars that stripe across them.
Oh trust me, there won't be any more. Not from depression and definitely not because of you.
Everyone stopped feeling sorry for you, you know. Maybe now everyone will start seeing how fucking pathetic you are. You never loved me. Love is just a fucking hoax. And we were sixteen. No one falls in love at sixteen, and especially not in their first serious relationship.
It's called Lust, sweetie.
Because hell, I'm not letting you see me weak. Maybe I did run away to the back of the kitchen. Maybe I did stay there all night doing dishes and yeah, maybe a few tears were shed because of the words you said. But you know what? Fuck you.
I don't need your approval. I've worked SO FUCKING HARD the last few months to get to where I am right now. I was happy. For once I was genuinely happy. Feeling good about living and even thinking that I might be good enough to make something of myself. I'm not letting you come by and wreck that.
And to you. How fucking dare you touch me. How fucking dare you put your hands on my hips like they belong there. They don't. Not anymore. I'm ending this right here.
I'm done with you. Over you. Completely because name one minute in the last six months where you were a good thing for me.
I can't name any but I can certainly name millions of times when you were bad for me. Just look at my arms and remember that you're the very reason for the scars that stripe across them.
Oh trust me, there won't be any more. Not from depression and definitely not because of you.
Everyone stopped feeling sorry for you, you know. Maybe now everyone will start seeing how fucking pathetic you are. You never loved me. Love is just a fucking hoax. And we were sixteen. No one falls in love at sixteen, and especially not in their first serious relationship.
It's called Lust, sweetie.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
first day of my life:
you know, i didn't write much this summer. well, i did. just not really in the form of blogging. i didn't want to remember this summer. i didn't want to remember the crippling pain that overtook me every time i opened my eyes. i didn't want to remember the way that it hurt ten times worse when i kept them closed.
but now, looking back, i wish i'd documented. because now i'm desperate. grasping on to every last shred of those memories because hell, they were good ones. i miss them. long summer days spent on the playground. the nights that were ten times better. the ones where my three best friends would lay under the stars and talk. the only people who truly mattered to me.
it's killing me now, knowing that two of those people are away from me.
senior year is hell. i'm going to be honest there. and this last weekend, with my days spent in columbia. seeing where i will be living next year, where i'll be going to school both next year and then two years from now. it's made what should be the sweet taste of senior year about ten times more bitter. college is what i'm looking forward to. freedom. friends. maybemaybemaybe a lot of smiling.
sunday night was one of those nights that i don't want to forget. spending time with my best friends. not really doing anything except being with each other. playing tag. talking. having extremely inappropriate conversations about vampires (trust me you don't want to know!). it was one of those nights that was absolutely perfect.
sometimes (more like all the time, really) i think i'm two seperate people. or at least, the same person with two layers. there's the me that everyone sees. the shy, timid girl that worries about everything. and then there's the real me. the happy, outgoing girl that i love. the one that shines through when i'm around people who love and care about me.
i wish i knew how to show that girl to more people.
but now, looking back, i wish i'd documented. because now i'm desperate. grasping on to every last shred of those memories because hell, they were good ones. i miss them. long summer days spent on the playground. the nights that were ten times better. the ones where my three best friends would lay under the stars and talk. the only people who truly mattered to me.
it's killing me now, knowing that two of those people are away from me.
senior year is hell. i'm going to be honest there. and this last weekend, with my days spent in columbia. seeing where i will be living next year, where i'll be going to school both next year and then two years from now. it's made what should be the sweet taste of senior year about ten times more bitter. college is what i'm looking forward to. freedom. friends. maybemaybemaybe a lot of smiling.
sunday night was one of those nights that i don't want to forget. spending time with my best friends. not really doing anything except being with each other. playing tag. talking. having extremely inappropriate conversations about vampires (trust me you don't want to know!). it was one of those nights that was absolutely perfect.
sometimes (more like all the time, really) i think i'm two seperate people. or at least, the same person with two layers. there's the me that everyone sees. the shy, timid girl that worries about everything. and then there's the real me. the happy, outgoing girl that i love. the one that shines through when i'm around people who love and care about me.
i wish i knew how to show that girl to more people.
Friday, September 12, 2008
7 Hour Story:
D: Once upon a time there was a beautiful, magical princess
M: Who had an evil brother who always wanted to beat her up.
D: The only way she stayed safe was by paying him $131.50 every week so that he didn't beat her up
M: But she never had any money because her evil brother stole it so he could beat her up anyway.
D: One day, the princess came up with a GREAT plan!
M: She was going to beat her brother up and steal the throne.
D: The first thing she did was use her magical powers to change her hair color, so he would never recognize her.
M: And then she snuck into his bedroom.
D: He heard her coming, but she thought she was the hooker he hired...
M: She thought he was sleeping so she kept coming to attack him....
D: He rolled over, opening his eyes: it was now or never!
M: She got scared and tried to run away...
D: But he hit a switch that locked the door.
M: She begged for him to forgive her.
D: He thought a minute, then smiled an evil smile, then he KICKED! HER! ASS!
M: She cried. He was the worst brother ever.
D: Then she ran to tell mommy.
M: The queen was really mad at her brother because she loved the princess more, because the princess was really cute and the prince wasn't.
D: The queen couldn't decide: have the guards beat the prince, or have them kill the prince.
M: The princess loved her brother, so she told the queen to have them beat him down.
D: So the queen and the princess decided to escort the guards to the prince's quarters.
M: The princess laughed at the prince.
D: The prince called the princess a tattle-telling skankity slut-slut.
M: The princess had the guards beat up the prince.
D: Then the prince told the guards to beat up the princess.
M: The guards then got confused and beat up each other.
D: And then the prince and the princess laughed at the guards' stupidity.
M: The princess said she was sorry to her brother.
D: The prince laughed and said he kinda deserved it...
M: The princess asked if the could be friends again.
D: The prince thought that was a great idea! He missed his little sis.
M: The prince and the princess hugged.
D: Then the prince lightly punched the princess in the arm and smiled.
M: Then the princess punched the princess in the face.
D: And then they all lived happily ever after!
M: Who had an evil brother who always wanted to beat her up.
D: The only way she stayed safe was by paying him $131.50 every week so that he didn't beat her up
M: But she never had any money because her evil brother stole it so he could beat her up anyway.
D: One day, the princess came up with a GREAT plan!
M: She was going to beat her brother up and steal the throne.
D: The first thing she did was use her magical powers to change her hair color, so he would never recognize her.
M: And then she snuck into his bedroom.
D: He heard her coming, but she thought she was the hooker he hired...
M: She thought he was sleeping so she kept coming to attack him....
D: He rolled over, opening his eyes: it was now or never!
M: She got scared and tried to run away...
D: But he hit a switch that locked the door.
M: She begged for him to forgive her.
D: He thought a minute, then smiled an evil smile, then he KICKED! HER! ASS!
M: She cried. He was the worst brother ever.
D: Then she ran to tell mommy.
M: The queen was really mad at her brother because she loved the princess more, because the princess was really cute and the prince wasn't.
D: The queen couldn't decide: have the guards beat the prince, or have them kill the prince.
M: The princess loved her brother, so she told the queen to have them beat him down.
D: So the queen and the princess decided to escort the guards to the prince's quarters.
M: The princess laughed at the prince.
D: The prince called the princess a tattle-telling skankity slut-slut.
M: The princess had the guards beat up the prince.
D: Then the prince told the guards to beat up the princess.
M: The guards then got confused and beat up each other.
D: And then the prince and the princess laughed at the guards' stupidity.
M: The princess said she was sorry to her brother.
D: The prince laughed and said he kinda deserved it...
M: The princess asked if the could be friends again.
D: The prince thought that was a great idea! He missed his little sis.
M: The prince and the princess hugged.
D: Then the prince lightly punched the princess in the arm and smiled.
M: Then the princess punched the princess in the face.
D: And then they all lived happily ever after!
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