you won't ever get too far from me:

My mind is a rush of every bad thing I've ever said to you. Every time I haven't answered your phone calls or when I've let a text go unanswered because I just didn't know what to say. I'm also replaying every bad thing you've ever said to me, or every time you've wrote about me in your blog that hasn't been exactly positive. For example..

"you are the most unoriginal person I have ever met, full of lies and pleas and you are so ungrateful, every pretend 'I'm sorry,' that you mumble is worthless. you have no idea what creativity is, and if i thought I was bad..."

I don't know exactly where everything went wrong. In May, we were laughing and carrying on like you were the only thing that mattered. By July, you didn't know that my life was falling apart. In October, you didn't know that I wanted little more than to take my own life.

I haven't exactly told you everything that's been going on in my life, and I can't expect you to know, either. But at the same time, you've yet to reach out and ask about me. You've yet to take the time. Sure, you were there for me last week when I considered going in the hospital, but you weren't here for the whole decay of my mental functioning. You didn't know I was in therapy or that my medicine wasn't working until it was almost too late.

"We didn't drift apart. YOU pushed us apart. I'm not planning on having any future contact with you, because you're going to be this way for the rest of your life. And I'm not going to wait for the day that you decide your friends are worth caring about."

You're not the best friend you used to be, and I'm not saying I'm any better. I think I gave up on wanting you to be my best friend a long time ago. I'm done trying. But the truth is, you pushed me away for years before I pushed back. So don't blame me for all of this, it's your fault as much as it is mine.

I'll grieve over this. Because as much as our friendship has decayed over the last couple of months, you've been my best friend since I was six years old, and that kind of love doesn't just go away. I miss you like hell, already. But I don't miss who you are today, I miss the friend you used to be. I won't ever get that back, but the memories are not something I'm giving up.