10/21/10 Part: 2

There is nothing more terrifying or more painful than the idea of telling someone that you want to kill yourself. It's something different when I tell it to a blog, or to myself. It's less personal (although it's exactly the opposite) and it's easy to say that to the Internet, when nothing seems real at all. But it's a completely different thing to sit in an office of someone who is very indirectly your boss (as in, he is, but I don't' get paid for what I do in the slightest) and tell him that I very much want to die, and I'm scared that I'll actually slip and go through with it.

At first, my intention with all of this to self-admit myself to the hospital. I was going to call my mom, tell her my intentions, and then go through with it later this evening. Scott would help me get everything in order as far as work and school. However, when I called my mom to tell her, she asked me the question of "do you want to withdraw from school?". I replied no, and her next question was "Do you want me to come down there?" and I couldn't even answer before I was in a bawl of tears on my bed.

So my mom came down here, and again I found myself in Scott's office, trying to formulate a plan for what I wanted to do, and how I wanted to do it. He suggested (and my mom and I agreed) that the best plan would be for me to go through the Counseling Center and their crisis center, especially since I already have a relationship with the counselors there. So I found myself sitting in there and taking the blog post I wrote late last night and I let them read it. I figured that them reading my thoughts at my worst would be the best plan of action.

Together, Amber and I came up with a list of things that make me want to be alive. Some of those things were:

• My family
• My friends
• My art
• My cat
• If I died, I wouldn't know how Project Runway ended or how good the Harry Potter movie is going to be

And together we decided that I should take this weekend off work and go home with my mom. I'm going to take a weekend that's severely for me. I'm going to work on art and play the sims and be with my family and just take care of my wants and my needs. Because I need to get my life back in check, and it's not going to get any better if I don't.

I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has been there for me through this. Beckie and Jessica have been a wonderful physical support system, and there are tons of people online that have been a great support system for me emotionally. I'll take the time to write more once things calm down a bit.