To start off, I am not okay. I am suicidal. I am a danger to myself. 90% of my thoughts are about harming myself (through cutting, mostly, but I also have a tendency to pick at my skin until it bleeds, or tug on hairs), or worse, taking my own life. I can't honestly tell you why I feel this way, or why I can't fix it for myself. All I know is that I want to die every day, and I can't make it stop.
I think it's also important to note that I haven't been going to class. Well, I go to some classes, but even then I have a low level of interest and a tiny attention span, and I spend every moment that I'm not in my room wishing that I was in my room. I consistently wish to be asleep, or to be deep in my head where it's all about the creative aspect, and not that pain in my chest that I feel every day.
I also am slacking on every aspect of my duties. I'm not a good community leader because I don't want to be with people. I'm not a good co-president of Arts Advocates because I don't want to be in control of my own life, let alone an organization that is almost 20 years strong. I don't do well managing my time, so how can you expect me to have any role in anything else?
I'm sleeping more than I have in my life. I can't bring myself to wake up unless someone physically makes me get up (either by calling me or coming to get me). Or more often than not, I wake up, but I can't seem to find the ability - or desire - to make my muscles move. All I want to do is lay still and be alone, but what's terrifying is that the more I'm alone, the worse off I feel.
Tonight, I confessed to Becky exactly how bad off I am. In the morning, I'm going to talk to Scott, my hall coordinator about all of this. I'm going to tell him everything. I think I already know what I want to do, but I don't know if I can have the strength to do that to myself again.
But I think I might need to.
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