a thousand miles seems pretty far, but we've got planes and trains and cars:

More often than not, when I can't sleep at night, I go to Ruth's blog. The one she's kept as long as I've kept my own, since the summer of 2007. Sometimes, I skim over the most recent entries, but often I don't, I click the special tag that's about me. Normally, you would think that having a special tag dedicated to you in your best friend's blog would mean nothing but good things; something to make you feel honored.


wecouldbepilots: every few weeks/days/whenever i feel really far away from you, i go to your blog and i click the marena tag and i read every entry that was ever about me, especially the bad ones.
wecouldbepilots: and i cry.
goodgirlsgoruth: it sometimes amazes me how EXACTLY alike we are
goodgirlsgoruth: because i do the same thing to your blog

There's things in Ruth's blog that make me crack up laughing, things that make me smile, and things that make me bawl. Things like "you are the most unoriginal person I have ever met, full of lies and pleas and you are so ungrateful, every pretend 'I'm sorry,' that you mumble is worthless." or "I'm just upset, and once I get upset about you, everything else in my life seems to fall apart." Or things that make me miserable, such as: "I need to cut you out of my life completely. I hate that it has to be this way, and it's not your fault, and it's not my fault. It just is. I'm not finished crying about it, but one day, I will be.", "You are not the best friend you used to be. But who's to say I'm any better?", or "I expected you to understand me more than anybody else. For just this one thing. I overestimated my ability to revive a friendship better left broken."

These are the things I read on a regular basis, things that make me bawl and ache until I force myself to remember everything that she's ever said to me. Every negative thing I've ever directed towards her. Every mistake I've made in this friendship. As much as it hurts to remember these things, I know that I can never let myself forget. I will never, ever let myself get things back to the way they once were between us.

goodgirlsgoruth: you've got to remember something about blogs though. there's usually written in the heat of the moment, when we're fighting or i'm angry or depressed or WHATEVER is going on in my personal life, i use that to fuel whatever i'm writing about. i think most of the bad marena ones are from sophomore/junior year. but i think it's good that we have those blogs because it shows that yes, we have had some MAJOR KILLER fights. and we've gone months without talking. and we've said 'i hate you' to eachother. but you know what?
goodgirlsgoruth: we've also had months where we do nothing but talk to eachother every single day. five years later, after i moved away, we are STILL best friends even though everybody told us it wouldnt happen. we fought with each other until we didnt have anything else to say, but despite all of that you still told me 10 minutes ago that i'm your best friend. and i told you that you are mine.

If there's anything, anything at all, I want more to be true, it's that I don't ever want my friendship with Ruth to go back to the way it once was. I don't want to have to ache anymore wondering what I've done wrong. Because she's right, once I get upset about her, everything in my life starts to fall apart.


goodgirlsgoruth: it's really easy to fall into believing that you are a bad person when all you read is negative things about yourself. loving yourself is harder. but you have never, EVER in my life given me a reason to stop loving you. you continue to amaze me every day with your creativity and spontaneity and charisma. i've never kept a friend as long as i've kept you
goodgirlsgoruth: i think
goodgirlsgoruth: sometimes soul mates arent necessarily lovers
goodgirlsgoruth: but they are best friends
goodgirlsgoruth: you provide thoughts and ideas that i would never ever think of

You're Back To Your Old Ways - Carelessly Leaving Tracks:

As a good chunk of you may know, I recently lost a friend of mine, a really good friend of mine, over the concept of Christianity.

I don't go into my religious beliefs often on here, simply because in the past I never wanted to start a controversial topic on my blog that I was sure some of my friends - who belief otherwise - would get upset by it. But I'll be honest, I am not Christian. But at the same time, much to the belief of the friend I lost, I am not nothing. I do believe in a God, but I know it's not the one that is believed to have created the Earth, the people, Adam & Eve, etc. I believe in more of a universal pull, a spirit that exists in everyone, that God is different to each and every person. I'm not going to get into the specifics.

And while I disagree with my friend's beliefs, I have never once put down her beliefs, as she has done mine. I didn't belittle her for believing in what she does, and if it came off that way, I'm truly sorry.

The part that hurts the worst over the loss of this friendship is not only the fact that she cannot be accepting of my beliefs, but that she felt she had to get revenge on me. Which, I too am a vengeful person, but I believe that she took it a step too far when she emailed my mother. It really hurt, and got me very upset. And for days, I've been sitting here thinking about it. Several people have told me to get my revenge, and I could easily do that. With the amount of things she's told me over the five years of our friendship, getting my revenge would not be difficult. If I wanted to, I could hurt her in ways that she tried to hurt me with the email to my mother.

But really, is it worth it? The other day she asked a friend of mine why she had to be the better person in this, and from what I understand, my friend replied to tell her that it was because she is the only one who claims to be. And that's the truth. In the past, I have had no problems crushing people when they hurt me. And I've been thinking about it, about all of the things I could do, the things I could say. I have so many things on her, and a lot of them could hurt her. And I could do it, and I would probably feel bad for a little while, but I'd get over it. However, in a way, I think that's what she wants. She wants a war, she wants to fight.

It's my move in this twisted game we're playing.

And I quit.

But keep in mind, make another move against me, and I will do it. I will take you down with me.

that holds all your memories: a lifetime of crushes and your broken dreams:

For eighteen years of my life, I wanted nothing more than to get out of Hannibal. That pathetic excuse of a town, where for eighteen years I was unhappy. Miserable even. Friends were hard to come by, and when you got a friend you could just as easily lose them to another person. You went to school with the exact same people since you were kindergarten, give or take a few moves (one of which happened to be my best friend in the whole world, but that's another story).

A year ago, if you would have asked me to leave Hannibal, it wouldn't have taken me more than a few hours to have my life packed away and in a car, ready to follow wherever you wanted to lead me. A year ago, I wanted to skip my senior year altogether. I hated it in Hannibal, and I made that apparent to everyone around me.

A year ago, however, I would have never imagined the life that I'm living right now. A year ago, I sincerely believed I'd be going to a community college. Not for lack of smarts, but for lack of... trying? I'll be perfectly honest. I didn't pick up books in high school because I didn't care. I didn't study for tests or read assignments because it simply did. Not. Matter. Or at least, not to me.

I applied to Mizzou because I wanted it more than anything, but it was mostly a sick dream of mine. I didn't sincerely believe I would get in. Look at my straight-C average GPA. I didn't have what they wanted. Even with my 24 ACT score, I wasn't the girl they wanted. Not at all.

And every day, I would check the mail. And every day, I would wait for that letter that would tell me I wasn't going. Because they didn't want me. I wasn't good enough. I wouldn't make it into this college. Because, they didn't care how much I wanted it, or how much it meant to me. They cared about my grades, and my ACT score. And while my ACT score was good enough to get me in, my grades weren't. Not at all.

Then, just a day after I'd given up and turned in my application for the community college, the very day that I was packing up everything in my house to move to my new house, I walked in the door and saw a letter on the counter. From: University of Missouri - Columbia. To: Marena Kristine Niehoff. Office of Admissions.

And my heart stopped.

I wish I could say that I started jumping around the instant I saw the letter. That I was so estatic knowing I got in before I even opened the letter. But I wasn't. I remember looking at that letter and going "Oh, not today. Please, any day but TODAY." But before I could tuck that away, my Mom had snatched it off the counter and had ripped it open. I remember watching her every facial expression, just waiting for her to find the words to tell me that I didn't get it. But, instead. She grabbed me and hugged me. And informed me that, yeah, I did get in.

And for months, I was estatic. I packed and I bragged and I bought things for my dorm. I prepared myself for college, both physically and emotionally. I couldn't wait to leave. Had it counted down to the day that I'd be leaving. I couldn't wait. I would tell everyone that I only had so many weeks left in Hannibal. In that shithole of a town.

And then, in August, something clicked. I clung to my Mom, rarely wanting her out of my sight. I wanted to be with her as much as possible. And let's be honest. I got scared. Terrified. I wanted to stay in Hannibal, all of a sudden. I wanted to stay a little girl forever and never go away. And the closer it got to the moving day, the more scared I was. The more clingy. The more I needed home.

August 18th, 2009 was by far the hardest day of my life. It's a strange feeling seeing your life packed into the back of a truck. To drive away from your home, out of city limits and knowing you won't be back for a few weeks. And even then, you'll only be back long enough to blink. And while it was the hardest day of my life, it was also one of the best. Because all of my fears had to be faced, dead on. I had to leave my mom, and allow myself to be in this strange place, relatively alone.

And you know what? It wasn't bad. It was great, actually. It still is amazing. Every day is this incredible experience to me. I'm learning so much. For the first time in my life, I'm pushing myself to work. To learn. To study. To make friends. And you know what? I'm happy. I love it here. I love being here. I love the people that I surround myself with. Mizzou was, and continues to be, the best decision I ever made for myself. And while it was hard, I'm so immensely glad I did it. I did this for myself. And I'm going to be a better person for this.

And while, for eighteen years of my life, I couldn't wait to get out of Hannibal, there's a piece of my heart that's still there. And will always be there. Hannibal is where I grew up. It's where I went to school. Where I learned to walk, and talk, and fall in and out of love. It's where I experienced heartbreak, embarrassment, and death. It's where I met my best friend, where I had my first kiss. There's a piece of me that will always be there, with my memories. With my family.

Tomorrow, I go home for the first time since I left. And I can't begin to tell you how estatic I am for that. I can't wait to see my family. My house. And if there's anything I've learned more strongly in the last couple of weeks, it's that as hard as leaving is, it makes going home even bettter.