You know, you'd think I wouldn't be so inspired by Key Leader weekend. Especially having gone through it once before. But I was. It's still as inspiring and life-changing as it was last year.
This year I went back to Key Leader as a student facilitator. I went in expecting to be shy and sink into the background like I did last year. It didn't happen. Being a facilitator, I got pushed to front and center, and it forced me to break out of my shell. I found myself speaking out, sharing my opinion to not just the person next to me, but standing up in front of everyone to say what I think.
And knowing what happens in a Key Leader weekend gave me the opportunity to really absorb the people around me. I watched it last year, but it was so much better this year.
Take 48 people. Most of us are complete strangers. We might know the two-five people that came from your school, but that's just about it. Facilitators know each other from last year.
Take 48 strangers, and in a period of 48 hours, they'll be the best of friends. By the end, you'll all be clutching each other, exchanging phone numbers, and crying.
It's amazing. It's amazing because of the difference between our group and a normal high school. No cliches this time. No drama and no popular kids. You're all equal, with opinions that matter and the power to make a difference.
Even in the end of the weekend, holding hands in a circle and about to break off the weekend. Each of us ready to take that first step into being a key leader. Each of us prepared to make a difference, because we all know we can do it.
I made lots of memories this weekend. I'd like to think that they'll help me make a difference.
But of course, I will admit that I cried because it was my last Key Leader ever.
Details on my weekend later.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
if the sky goes missing, where does that leave the star?
I don't write anymore. At all. It hurts my heart, leaves it aching like there is a huge hole in my chest. It leaves me struggling to breathe, struggling to see what's left.
Since Madi left, it's hard to swallow. In the words of William Beckett, the world around me is like a dark room, and I have a candle. Madi was the hand that led me to the lightswitch. Now, without her, I force myself to see only the area I can see with my candle. Because I'm afraid to see the whole world without her by my side.
I cling to Haley a lot now. Because she's equally important as Madi to me. When one of them is gone, half of me is too.
In the last twenty-one days, I've struggled to figure out what happens when you give two people half of your heart each, and one of them leaves. That leaves you with half of a heart, right? Well what happens if the other person leaves too?
And to be honest, I'm too scared to find out.
Since Madi left, it's hard to swallow. In the words of William Beckett, the world around me is like a dark room, and I have a candle. Madi was the hand that led me to the lightswitch. Now, without her, I force myself to see only the area I can see with my candle. Because I'm afraid to see the whole world without her by my side.
I cling to Haley a lot now. Because she's equally important as Madi to me. When one of them is gone, half of me is too.
In the last twenty-one days, I've struggled to figure out what happens when you give two people half of your heart each, and one of them leaves. That leaves you with half of a heart, right? Well what happens if the other person leaves too?
And to be honest, I'm too scared to find out.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
the currents will pull you away from your love:
I had to pull over my car tonight because I broke down sobbing. It's been sixteen days, and I finally broke down. I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.
I miss her and I really don't know how much more I can take.
I miss her and I really don't know how much more I can take.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
the whole world is watching you haven't come this far to fall off the earth:
Today I went to Alexa's house after school to work on homework, and ended up staying for hours. I just got home and it's 11pm. It's days like this that remind me of why I love my life. I love spending time with my friends and everything.
I got a letter from Madi today. It's great to know that she misses me as much as I miss her. I hate that I have to admit that I miss her. But I do, it's killing me. She made me little bead thingy that says KMB and I love it. I'll take a picture of it later. :]
She also sent me the next chapter of our story. I hate having to do it over letter but I already wrote the next chapter and I'm sending it tomorrow. Yippee!
Alexa got a twitter, so I apologize in advance to anyone who follows me, it's going to be a fun ride.
I'm going to play sims and watch Degrassi, since I don't have school tomorrow. It's gonna be a wild night.
I got a letter from Madi today. It's great to know that she misses me as much as I miss her. I hate that I have to admit that I miss her. But I do, it's killing me. She made me little bead thingy that says KMB and I love it. I'll take a picture of it later. :]
She also sent me the next chapter of our story. I hate having to do it over letter but I already wrote the next chapter and I'm sending it tomorrow. Yippee!
Alexa got a twitter, so I apologize in advance to anyone who follows me, it's going to be a fun ride.
I'm going to play sims and watch Degrassi, since I don't have school tomorrow. It's gonna be a wild night.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
good day, tidal wave:
I'm happy today. Extremely happy and extremely hyper. I'm jittery and I'm rambling. I'm happy. I love my life.
I'm feeling closer than ever to my best friend, and I'm glad because during the summer I pushed her so far away.
Sean and I came up with our secret handshake today. We almost hit each other in the face. I love that boy<3 He's like, the coolest person ever.
Work wasn't bad today, surprisingly. I spent time with people I care about.
It was a good day.
I'm feeling closer than ever to my best friend, and I'm glad because during the summer I pushed her so far away.
Sean and I came up with our secret handshake today. We almost hit each other in the face. I love that boy<3 He's like, the coolest person ever.
Work wasn't bad today, surprisingly. I spent time with people I care about.
It was a good day.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
i'll kiss your neck but i just can't look you in the eye:
I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about my depression, and the way it's affected me. The way I let it take over me, and the way I lost some good friends because of it. I was just writing a character that is very similar to me in the way that she has depression and she just flipped out. I asked my friend if I was like that, and she told me yes.
I don't have any memory of that. I guess I've basically repressed all of that. I don't really want to remember it, either.
I'm still struggling. I'm still having bad days. But I'm alive, at least.
My insomnia is back in full swing. I'm awkwardly twitchy during the day and when I lay down to sleep, I can't lay still. I get up and clean up my purse or draw or text someone who won't respond until morning.
I'm going insane.
But I'm happy. I'm still smiling and still getting up in the morning (ha, usually because I haven't quite gone to sleep yet)
I lied to my doctor today about my sleeping schedule. I don't want more drugs.
Now I'm going to go to bed and listen to Jack's Mannequin and play sims.
I don't have any memory of that. I guess I've basically repressed all of that. I don't really want to remember it, either.
I'm still struggling. I'm still having bad days. But I'm alive, at least.
My insomnia is back in full swing. I'm awkwardly twitchy during the day and when I lay down to sleep, I can't lay still. I get up and clean up my purse or draw or text someone who won't respond until morning.
I'm going insane.
But I'm happy. I'm still smiling and still getting up in the morning (ha, usually because I haven't quite gone to sleep yet)
I lied to my doctor today about my sleeping schedule. I don't want more drugs.
Now I'm going to go to bed and listen to Jack's Mannequin and play sims.
Monday, October 6, 2008
when it all comes crashing:
I'm trying not to think too much these days. I'm trying to focus on art, it's the best thing for me.
Twenty more days, I think.
Twenty more days, I think.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Get it? Pun-ny:
gaylor goes home (9:10:32 PM): I CAN'T HELP IT
gaylor goes home (9:10:41 PM): STRESS IS MY LAST NAME
just need light (9:10:49 PM): Ruth Stress.
gaylor goes home (9:10:58 PM): yes
gaylor goes home (9:11:04 PM): it flows, right?
just need light (9:12:02 PM): completely
just need light (9:12:15 PM): you need to marry someone with the last name Edout
just need light (9:12:20 PM): because then your name would be
just need light (9:12:24 PM): Ruth Stress-Edout
gaylor goes home (9:12:30 PM): LOLOLOLOLOL
just need light (9:12:43 PM): i basically win at life.
gaylor goes home (9:12:45 PM): you're quite punny this week
just need light (9:12:48 PM): i really am.
gaylor goes home (9:13:00 PM): HAHA GET IT LIKE FUNNY
gaylor goes home (9:10:41 PM): STRESS IS MY LAST NAME
just need light (9:10:49 PM): Ruth Stress.
gaylor goes home (9:10:58 PM): yes
gaylor goes home (9:11:04 PM): it flows, right?
just need light (9:12:02 PM): completely
just need light (9:12:15 PM): you need to marry someone with the last name Edout
just need light (9:12:20 PM): because then your name would be
just need light (9:12:24 PM): Ruth Stress-Edout
gaylor goes home (9:12:30 PM): LOLOLOLOLOL
just need light (9:12:43 PM): i basically win at life.
gaylor goes home (9:12:45 PM): you're quite punny this week
just need light (9:12:48 PM): i really am.
gaylor goes home (9:13:00 PM): HAHA GET IT LIKE FUNNY
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I made the best joke today:
Ruth: I took the SAT today, my essay sucked though.
Me: So how was your T?
Ruth: Huh?
Me: Get it? Your S-A sucked, but how was your T?
Me: So how was your T?
Ruth: Huh?
Me: Get it? Your S-A sucked, but how was your T?
Friday, October 3, 2008
there's a light on in chicago:
I love my life right now. I love spending time with my friends. I love being happy. I don't want this to change.
I'm scared. Because I feel good now but I know once it gets colder, I'll crash.
I want to feel alive like this forever.
I'm scared. Because I feel good now but I know once it gets colder, I'll crash.
I want to feel alive like this forever.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
You're on your own tonight:
There's something massively amazing about art for me. I'm so calmed down by art.
I can't wait until next Thursday.
I can't wait until next Thursday.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
and don't fly fast, on pilot can you help me? can you make this last?
This plane is all I've got so keep it steady now, because every inch I see is bruised
I'm hurting. Badly. More than I can really say, you know. I miss her voice already. I miss the way I can call her and be like, "Kate did this today, what does Delaney think about that?"
I miss the way she could tell me everything I wanted to hear, and I didn't have to ask. I miss her way too much, and it's only technically been thirteen hours.
Only 700 or so to go.
It hurts. It aches. I want to sleep but I can't for the life of me make myself tired.
Hours pass and she still counts the minutes that I am not there. I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised.
I'm hurting. Badly. More than I can really say, you know. I miss her voice already. I miss the way I can call her and be like, "Kate did this today, what does Delaney think about that?"
I miss the way she could tell me everything I wanted to hear, and I didn't have to ask. I miss her way too much, and it's only technically been thirteen hours.
Only 700 or so to go.
It hurts. It aches. I want to sleep but I can't for the life of me make myself tired.
Hours pass and she still counts the minutes that I am not there. I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)