October 29th,2004

A thousand miles seems pretty far. But they've got planes and trains and cars. I'd walk to you if I had no other way. Our friends would all make fun of us but we'll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way. Delilah I can promise you that by the time we get through the world will never ever be the same and you're to blame.

don't think for a second that i haven't forgotten the significance of this date. i miss you alot, but out of respect for your wishes, this will be the last i'll think of you, despite how much i want to cling to something that doesn't exist anymore. i miss you alot, i think of you alot, but that has to end because i love you enough to know when to let go.

A Key Leader Is

a key leader:
Is an active listener.
Conceptualizes ideas and thoughts.
Is empathetic to others.
Has foresight/vision.
Is civic minded.
Is aware of self, others, and organizations.
Is committed to the growth of people.
Is persuasive.
Is compassionate.
Builds community.
Is caring.
Takes action on goals and plans.

Wow, Key Leader weekend was really amazing. I can't believe the amount of fun that I had. I made lots of new friends that have me looking forward to conference. But since summing it up in a paragraph would be impossible, here's the weekend details:

Friday: That school day was impossible. It seemed so long, despite the shortened school day, it still seemed long and endless. But this post is not about school because duh, it's about key leader. So anyway, I get out of school at 1:05 and we make our way out to the van. My mom is already outside waiting for me and alexa to get our stuff. we're all buzzing with excitement for a) this weekend, and b) the fact that we're out of school. The van is cramped by the time we get all nine people in it, with me, alexa, and sara sharing the backseat. I keep trying to put in my headphones and tune out everyone, but alexa kept talking. well, eventually i get her to shut up long enough that i can listen to viva la cobra with minimum interruptions. The four hour ride is long, but not too long that I can't enjoy myself. When we go to the gas station we find that it's decorated entirely in halloween decorations, and that we're finding candy we can't get back home. So we stock up for the weekend. We get to the camp not much later and check in (and check out the hot boysss), and start our key leader experience. The first of our activities was to have everyone fill out a question on your sheet, as a get to know you kind of thing (it was fun!). Then we went and got our dorms, and headed to dinner. After dinner we started the first of our classes, and boy was it fun. The Hannibal Kids all stuck together, due to the fact that we were besties, and that we didn't really know anyone else. After awhile we got in our neighborhoods and decided team names. Ours was Bob The Builders because we're creative like that. Then we presented the posters we made and went back to listening to Dave speak. After the whole class we went to the rec room for awhile, but after deciding that was boring Alexa, Sara, and I went to the dorm and just hung with our awesome roomies until curfew.

Fri. Pictures:

Saturday: Waiting up at 7am was definitely not the highlight of my weekend. I was pretty cranky when I rolled out of bed, but was quickly changed from that mood as i looked out the window and saw SUNSHINE! sunshine! in October! This is a wonderful thing! So Alexa and I (was Sara with us? I don't remember. That's probably bad.) walked down to breakfast and we were having some form of 'egg' product (i didn't eat it). After breakfast we ran up to the meeting building and had several only-slightly mind numbing hours of class-ish stuff. Including the values activity, where we wrote down our top eight values and had to give them up one by one; and the activity where we had to pass cards around where they each said mother, father, baby, brother, or sister ____ (duck, moon, sun, time, etc.) and we had to find our families (one time without talking). After that we had lunch and then it was time for the ropes! I was in the second group for the rope course so I went down to the lake for a few hours. Then we actually got to go on the ropes and that was AMAZING. We got to do all kinds of teamwork stuff and it was really fun. It was great to be a part of something that was so cool like that. Then after that we had dinner and another class. And then! The bonfire. The bonfire was freeeeezing! I sat and texted Haley and then I got up and actually sang in front of people! IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. That's really cool. I'm proud of myself. Then we went to bed!

Sat. Pics!:

Sunday: Our morning started out with me being woke up by Alexa punching my pillow (thanks dollface). I was pretty crabby in the morning as I tried to get all of my stuff together and I was overwhelmed with sadness because I really didn't want to go home. We had breakfast (Oatmeal. Blech.) and then we had closing classes. Our Saturday review included us writing down what we learned on a piece of paper, wadding it up, and having a snowball fight with it. Then we had closing where we wrote a letter to ourselves that Kiwanis will mail in 6 months, and signed everyones posters, and then we graduated. We watched a video of all the pictures that were taken over the weekend, and then we did probably my favorite part of the program. We went outside and stood in a circle holding hands (With my right hand I held the person to the left of me's left hand, and my left hand held the person to the right's right hand..) and we talked about the weekend. Someone said "Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet", I forgot who but that is so true. And then we did this thing where we talked about how people all over the country were doing this very thing right at that moment, and then we turned so we were out of the circle, and went on to change the world.

"well, HOW DO you feel?"

how do i feel? how the fuck do i feel? i feel lost. anxious. so upset i can barely breathe right now.

i'm trying so hard. i'm keeping everything together at school despite the fact that i'm falling apart inside. does it even matter to you that that's happening to me?

you wouldn't know that suicide is making a lot of sense to me right now. yes, i'll be the first to admit that i'm terrified of dying. but what scares me even more is the future. the uncertainty of what will happen to me. how am i supposed to know what will happen to me in ten years? how am i supposed to care about college and scholarships and all these things that i'm told are so important, when i'm not sure that i'll make it through the week. the month. i just want to see christmas.

you don't know that i'm barely surviving. i'm taking live one day at a time. i don't let myself get excited over anything, because in the end i'll just end up more upset than i started. you don't know that i can go days at a time being happy, or at least seeming happy, when i'm terrified of living right now.

i wake up feeling nervous and jittery about the day. i feel that way as i drag myself into school, as i silently do all of my work, as i come home, and as i go to work. i feel like i don't matter anymore. not just to you, but to everyone. everyone lives in their own lives, and no one takes the time to realize that i'm slowly dying.

like i said, suicide is making a LOT of sense, in the way that maybe it'll make the hurting stop. in christianity, however, that wouldn't be the end. but i'm not sure i believe that. i'm not sure i can believe in god anymore. there, i said the thought that's been going through my head for a long, long time. god wouldn't make me live like this. and besides, if there is a god, wouldn't he realize that i'm not strong enough to take this? but i don't believe in it. i'm not sure what i believe. sitting through church services make me squirmy. i feel like an imposter. all these people praying and worshipping, when all i can think about is how i can't believe any of it. honestly, i don't. i've had people share there beliefs and try to force their beliefs down my throat, but it doesn't help. it just doesn't.


i'm sick of all of this shit. i'm sick of the betrayals. but no, suicide isn't something i'm going to do. you all think i'm not strong enough. you don't think i can pull myself through this. but i will. if i can't live to be truely happy, then goddamn it, i'll live to prove you all wrong.

lyrics to live by

I'm sorry that in your condition, the sunshines been missing, but don't believe that it isn't there. Be happy, this world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?

dinner:

"If you won that contest, what happens?"

"I get to take twenty of my closest friends to watch a football game with Tony G."

"Would you take me?"

"No!"

"No?!"

"No!"

"WHY NOT!"

"Because you're not one of my closest friends!"

"Um. Mom. I lived inside of you for nine months."

"I know."

"There's not much closer we can be."

"Nah."

"Well, part of me is probably still inside of you."

"Well, that explains why you're crazy. The important parts got left behind"

and i'll be thinking about tomorrow

dormousexxx (7:14:21 PM): you get new aims a lot..
seized the brave (7:14:11 PM): rofl i do not!
dormousexxx (7:14:36 PM): this is your third one!
seized the brave (7:14:30 PM): IN A YEAR
dormousexxx (7:14:51 PM): ..true.
seized the brave (7:14:40 PM): i've had kept past demons since january!
seized the brave (7:15:03 PM): and i got haylie carden awhile back.
dormousexxx (7:15:28 PM): truuue.
seized the brave (7:15:28 PM): but this one is cute!
dormousexxx (7:16:04 PM): yesyes! tis
seized the brave (7:16:15 PM): :[ idk what yours means
dormousexxx (7:16:41 PM): dormouse?
dormousexxx (7:17:01 PM): http://www.wildlifetrust.org.uk/cheshire/IMAGES/proj_dormouse_branch.jpg
seized the brave (7:17:14 PM): AWW ITS CUTE
dormousexxx (7:17:35 PM): I KNOW
seized the brave (7:17:40 PM): ROFL in my head i say dor-moooose not dormouse
dormousexxx (7:18:13 PM): lol!
seized the brave (7:18:08 PM): so i was expecting like a moose or something
seized the brave (7:18:12 PM): and i'm like OH A MOUSE I GET IT
dormousexxx (7:18:47 PM): : D
dormousexxx (7:18:52 PM): I LOVE DORMICE
dormousexxx (7:18:55 PM): they're so cuuute.
dormousexxx (7:19:09 PM): when i had blonde hair i looked like one. and i gues i still do since they can be black-ish too
seized the brave (7:18:55 PM): when i first saw it i was like 'dor-mou=sexx!
seized the brave (7:19:00 PM): haha that's cute
dormousexxx (7:20:13 PM): :'D I was like 'lol i have sexxx in my name 8D'
seized the brave (7:20:06 PM): hahahaha! i know i was like
seized the brave (7:20:10 PM): okayy?
seized the brave (7:20:15 PM): because then it's like dorm
seized the brave (7:20:21 PM): and i was like "oh she's promoting college sex?
seized the brave (7:20:40 PM): it was HORRIBLE TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT
dormousexxx (7:21:16 PM): dorm ou sexxx. XD
seized the brave (7:21:16 PM): dorm thou sex would be better
seized the brave (7:21:28 PM): THOU, GO TO YOUR DORM AND HAVE SEX.
seized the brave (7:21:41 PM): i think this conversation stopped making sense a long time ago.
dormousexxx (7:23:01 PM): yes. yes, it did.
seized the brave (7:22:55 PM): but that's okay.
dormousexxx (7:23:21 PM): ofcourse it is. we're all mad here.
seized the brave (7:23:17 PM): you're madi

i'm sorry i told you all my problems.

the past few months have been difficult, terrifying, and amazing. these months i've suffered and been happy and everything.

i'm done with being upset all the time.

i'll choose to be happy, and that means that i can't deal with all of your shit anymore.