it's been a rough year

but can you think of anything more beautiful?

a person's a person, no matter how small:

Here's the thing. I've never really looked at myself in the mirror and thought "Wow, look how beautiful I am". I've never been that type of girl. I'm the girl with the self-conscious prick that lives inside her head, the one that is consistently nagging and reminding that I am not good enough. I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough. When writing, I refer to this little creature as my "Inner Editor". That dreadful thing that nitpicks everything I put into words. Well, reality is that the damn thing is around much more than I'd like.

But then there's days like the last couple, where I've looked in the mirror and thought about the good things about me. My bright blue eyes. My pale skin. The stray freckles that have crept onto my face. My smile. Things like that that make me tilt my head up, walk with a little more dignity, and tell my Inner Editor to go fuck itself.

Because I am good enough. I am smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough. And fuck anyone who tells me otherwise.

and to be completely honest, you're not like all the rest.

In the last eight years of my life, I've had my ups and downs with depression, and this blog is a testament to exactly that. It's seen me at my worsts, and at my bests. I started this blog in July 2007 - it's been almost four years to the date! - as a way to cope with the loss of my grandfather and my crippling depression. I've gone through stages since then with this blog, where I'm writing almost constantly to where there's no updates for months at a time. But this blog, this place has always been there for me and my thoughts.

I stopped writing in March. Or maybe before that, but March seems to be the best example of exactly what happened. But I need to write again. I need to let those thoughts out and let myself feel.

I never wrote about losing my grandmother, my Mamaw. I wasn't strong enough at the time, and I'm still not sure if I'm capable of doing it now. I don't think I can force myself to do it tonight, or maybe not anytime soon. But that's okay, because writing about it and acknowledging that it happened will happen sooner or later. But right now, I'm not quite ready.

formspring.me

You see I've got this American Love... http://formspring.me/starsonharbors

so far but yet so close

Things have never been quite as rough as they've been in the last two weeks. I'm winding down, with no energy left to explain what I've gone through. But I'll leave you with this. And I'll come back for more as soon as I get some rest.

It's late and my head is swimming with ideas. My imagination is running wild and my body is trying to ease itself into the comfort of sleep. I think these have to be the nights that I love the best.

Life is going really good, and I think there will be a real update soon, but for now, here's what's been going on:

• I came back to college. This is such a marvelous experience. Last semester was so awful and this one I just feel revitalized. I am swimming in creativity and happiness that I haven't felt in so long.
• I'm getting tested for ADHD. Probably should have been done before now, but that's okay.
• I'm taking a light semester in the hope that everything will be better.
• Oh! And I'm also moving in with Jessica and Becky next year. Today, we looked at a townhouse that is absolutely perfect.

I am swimming with happiness and excitement about life right now. There is nothing better than that feeling. The feeling of coming out of something so bad and feeling so new and fresh.

Good things are coming. I just know it.

2010 - A Year In Review:

First song of 2010: Konstantine by Something Corporate

January:

The year started with me at home for my first break from Mizzou. I was working at Cassanos and hanging out mostly with the people that I worked with. When it came time to prepare getting moved back into the dorms, I took my biological dad with me in a hope of bonding. I dyed my hair from dark, dirty blonde to a light blonde color. I watched my cousin, Bretta, graduate from High School and got the special privilege of taking photos for her. When I returned to college, I was glad to be with my friends again. I bought my first moleskine notebook and began pouring my heart into it. I spent a lot of time at the Underground Cafe writing with NaNoWriMo kids. I broke my phone and got a new one. I spent a lot of time playing Mario Kart. I saw Avatar and had girls nights. I also started working at kgb in an attempt to get some extra cash. I spent some time with my mother, great grandmother, and grandma for their birthdays. I went to the library and bought a new bookbag.

February:

In February, I started writing a very short lived writing project with a friend of mine. I hung out with Jessica and Kee. I didn't get to enjoy the Super Bowl as I normally would do to bad weather. I dyed my hair purple just for the hell of it. I became close to a girl named Grace. I had a bad idea with Jessica and decided to dye my hair black. I started a new solo project that lasted a few weeks before I stopped writing. I went home spontaneously for a few hours, only to return in time for the Masquerade Ball. Jessica bought Kanye and I fell in love with the little guy. I played Apples to Apples with my friends in NaNoWriMo. I spent a couple abnormally warm days at the park. I spent a lot of time at the Underground Cafe. I went to a Murder Mystery dinner.

March:

In March I started my orientation for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I planned my trip to Chicago. I went to the midnight premiere of Alice In Wonderland along with half of my dorm, I swear. I spent more time with the people I loved at the Underground. I bought my guinea pig, Lady GaGa. I started watching Gilmore Girls with Becky and ended up watching so much tv. I turned 19, and celebrated with a French midterm and a trip home for Spring Break.

April:

I don't remember too much of April, not really. Or at least, not the first half. I remember trying to mentally prepare myself and my family for me getting my tattoo - my Mom wasn't exactly pleased. In the end of April, Arts Advocates got a graffiti event together. I got my tattoo on April 23rd and celebrated my one year of being free of self-harm.

May:

I started off May by finishing off my Freshman year of college. I celebrated by completing 1/7th of the Mizzou Seven. I jumped in Brady Fountain with Jessica. After I moved out of my dorm, I picked up Ruth from the airport and a couple days later we swooped off to Chicago. I spent the day in Chicago with her and then went to see Something Corporate at Bamboozle Chicago. I met Jules, and stayed at her house before coming back and spending a day in St. Louis with Jessica after dropping Ruth off at the airport. Then, I got to see Cede graduate from high school

June:

I spent June at the pool. I started taking my little cousins down to the pool and even photographed a couple of the events. I also started taking a summer class at MACC. I spent a lot of time whisking back and forth to St. Louis to see Jessica and Kee, forming a friendship with Jessica that I hadn't thought possible at first.

July:

I started off July by seeing The Young Veins in Columbia. Then, Jessica came up to spend the weekend with me for the 4th of July. I had the intent to take her downtown, but for the most part, we just hung out at my house. After that, I lost my Grandma Howard to a heart attack. A week after that, Nanny was in the hospital for a while, and Mamaw was taken to the E.R. Then, Grandpa was in the hospital. Overall, July was the worst month of the year.

August:

In August, I started preparing to go back to school. I got to go spend time with Jess and go to see Something Corporate for the second time. I quit working at Cassano's. I went back to school in the middle of the month and immediately got whisked away in the hustle and bustle of being with friends and everything. I took on the duties of a Community Leader and Co-President of Arts Advocates. I got to meet a lot of cool new people and help them transition to being a college student.

September:

In September, I randomly decided to dye my hair brown. So I did that, Jessica dyed her hair red, and we straightened Becky's hair. I also took Becky to St. Louis to see Gold Motel. In September, I also started to slip back into depression. I started going to counseling at the MU counseling center.

October:

October was mostly spent in the hustle of Mizzou Homecoming. It's a pretty big deal, and Becky took most of the work, but it was still a lot of work for everyone. I started preparing for Halloween, as well as NaNoWriMo. Even though I'd spent a lot of time in counseling, it still wasn't enough. I ended up calling my mom and having her take me home before anything bad happened, which got me put back on medication. I also went to a football game with my parents on Halloween, only to come back and go to the NaNoWriMo kick-off party.

November:

NaNoWriMo started and I spent a lot of time with the people that do that. I went to write-ins every week and kept typing away at a story I didn't like in the slightest. I wasn't necessarily happy, but the medicine seemed to keep my mind off everything. I went with Jess to go see Jack's Mannequin. I started sleeping too much and could barely function. I went home for a week for Thanksgiving, which turned out to be the perfect break. I got to spend time with my family and see the people I love. I also went to a Mizzou Game with my best friend Jessica.

December:

In December, I finished up my semester with grades that I wasn't too proud of, but am at least happy that I made it through the semester without dropping out, and have the intentions of going back. A couple days before the end of the semester, Jessica fell and broke her leg, causing me to spend three days in the hospital with her. Despite that, I still did great on my finals. I came home and ended up spending a lot of time watching Gilmore Girls and playing the Sims. I got to spend time with my family for Christmas and it ended up being the only time that I've never gone to my dad's for Christmas (which was awesome). Then, Jessica came up to spend New Years with me. And here we are.

Last Song of 2010: Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin