it's been a rough year

but can you think of anything more beautiful?

a person's a person, no matter how small:

Here's the thing. I've never really looked at myself in the mirror and thought "Wow, look how beautiful I am". I've never been that type of girl. I'm the girl with the self-conscious prick that lives inside her head, the one that is consistently nagging and reminding that I am not good enough. I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough. When writing, I refer to this little creature as my "Inner Editor". That dreadful thing that nitpicks everything I put into words. Well, reality is that the damn thing is around much more than I'd like.

But then there's days like the last couple, where I've looked in the mirror and thought about the good things about me. My bright blue eyes. My pale skin. The stray freckles that have crept onto my face. My smile. Things like that that make me tilt my head up, walk with a little more dignity, and tell my Inner Editor to go fuck itself.

Because I am good enough. I am smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough. And fuck anyone who tells me otherwise.

and to be completely honest, you're not like all the rest.

In the last eight years of my life, I've had my ups and downs with depression, and this blog is a testament to exactly that. It's seen me at my worsts, and at my bests. I started this blog in July 2007 - it's been almost four years to the date! - as a way to cope with the loss of my grandfather and my crippling depression. I've gone through stages since then with this blog, where I'm writing almost constantly to where there's no updates for months at a time. But this blog, this place has always been there for me and my thoughts.

I stopped writing in March. Or maybe before that, but March seems to be the best example of exactly what happened. But I need to write again. I need to let those thoughts out and let myself feel.

I never wrote about losing my grandmother, my Mamaw. I wasn't strong enough at the time, and I'm still not sure if I'm capable of doing it now. I don't think I can force myself to do it tonight, or maybe not anytime soon. But that's okay, because writing about it and acknowledging that it happened will happen sooner or later. But right now, I'm not quite ready.

formspring.me

You see I've got this American Love... http://formspring.me/starsonharbors

so far but yet so close

Things have never been quite as rough as they've been in the last two weeks. I'm winding down, with no energy left to explain what I've gone through. But I'll leave you with this. And I'll come back for more as soon as I get some rest.

It's late and my head is swimming with ideas. My imagination is running wild and my body is trying to ease itself into the comfort of sleep. I think these have to be the nights that I love the best.

Life is going really good, and I think there will be a real update soon, but for now, here's what's been going on:

• I came back to college. This is such a marvelous experience. Last semester was so awful and this one I just feel revitalized. I am swimming in creativity and happiness that I haven't felt in so long.
• I'm getting tested for ADHD. Probably should have been done before now, but that's okay.
• I'm taking a light semester in the hope that everything will be better.
• Oh! And I'm also moving in with Jessica and Becky next year. Today, we looked at a townhouse that is absolutely perfect.

I am swimming with happiness and excitement about life right now. There is nothing better than that feeling. The feeling of coming out of something so bad and feeling so new and fresh.

Good things are coming. I just know it.