it's clear to me, it's clear as glass:

I've hurt a lot of people in my lifetime, in ways that were both malicious and accidental. I've tried hard to make up for those things, because if I don't they'll haunt me until I can no longer think about anything but the situation.

In this situation, it appears that something like that may not be possible. But that doesn't mean I'm going to start giving up. And if I can't make peace with you, at the very least, I will make peace with myself.

I started writing again. If you know me, you know the significance of these words.

tonight

Tonight I watched my little cousin walk across the stage and receive her high school diploma. There I was, sitting in the front row with my camera in hand, taking pictures of what, as of right now, is her biggest accomplishment to date. She wants to go to nursing school in the fall.

Congratulations, Bretta. I am so very proud of you.

i've used up all of my wishes on you:

I wish I could get you out of my head.

I wish that every time I saw you, every time you look at me and smile, you wouldn't make my heart jump. I wish you didn't remind me so much of how I fucked up. About how once upon a time, you were mine. You were my boyfriend. You were my Tyler. And then I broke up to you because I was so fucking stupid back then, and now look where I am.

I'm unhappy, that's what.

The other day I told you how I felt, and when you didn't feel the same way it broke me. Because I've watched you while I've been home. The way you flirt with me as much as I flirt with you. I've heard everyone telling us what great chemistry we have together. How we'd be such a cute couple. Because we would, and I wish I had some way of denying that I feel that way.

You've been haunting my dreams the last couple of nights. I'll lie to others and say that it's not you. But it is, and you're everywhere in my dreams. And you're mine. And God, you have no idea what I'd do for that to be true.

I can't get you out of my head. So please, do me a favor and remove yourself, since I can't find the strength to do it myself.