I picked America's Suitehearts to be my first song of 2009. And I'm picking this post to be my first.
Happy New Year, everyone. Happy New Year.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Katie - Jack's Mannequin
For my last song of 2008, I chose Katie by Jack's Mannequin. It's a song that's completely inspired me, and it sums up everything I've been through in the last year.
This is my last 2008 post. It kind of makes me nervous.
In some ways, 2008 was the best year of my life. It brought on so many new people into my life. I grew as a person. Into a wonderful new person and I'm glad I became her. But in a lot of ways, it was the worst year. I fell into the deepest depression I've ever been through.
This isn't going to be a long, whiney ass post. So in short, I'm glad I went through everything I went through in 2008, good or bad. I'm a stronger person because of it.
I'm welcoming 2009. Even if it turns out bad. Even if it ends in heartbreak in despair.
I'm ready.
This is my last 2008 post. It kind of makes me nervous.
In some ways, 2008 was the best year of my life. It brought on so many new people into my life. I grew as a person. Into a wonderful new person and I'm glad I became her. But in a lot of ways, it was the worst year. I fell into the deepest depression I've ever been through.
This isn't going to be a long, whiney ass post. So in short, I'm glad I went through everything I went through in 2008, good or bad. I'm a stronger person because of it.
I'm welcoming 2009. Even if it turns out bad. Even if it ends in heartbreak in despair.
I'm ready.
One last picture of 2008:
My Year In Review
January:
The year started out with a bang, spending time with my now exboyfriend at Cecelia Pierceall's house playing DDR. He drove me home and I kissed his cheek. We were a new, happy couple. I stayed up half the night that day and talked to Haley, then woke up at 8am after about 3 hours of sleep to go feed the cows and take part in other January 1st activities. On the third I went on a date with Eric, we went and saw Alvin and the Chipmonks, laughing the whole way through, and then went to Java Jive. In the middle of January, I went to work and then hung out with some of my favorite people at the top of the lighthouse. Then I went to Java Jive to warm up, and was texting Eric. January 17th we had a half day of school, and I kissed my boyfriend that day while watching Snakes on a Plane. That day ended with me, Sara, and Alexa going to the Lollipop Guild and getting candy. A few days later, I found myself with Eric once again, at the park this time. Then outside my Grandma's house, kissing him slowly goodbye. I let Ruth back into my life once again around that time, and the year proved to be a hard one for us. The month ended with Sara, Alexa, and I on my dining room floor, making bright purple shirts to wear to a concert the next night.
February:
February started off with me and my two best friends standing outside of the Creepy Crawl in St. Louis. Directly in front of me was a girl who, at the time, was simply a girl going to a concert with me, but has now proven to be a good friend. Her name is Maddi. That night I saw three bands, Metro Station, We The Kings, and Cobra Starship. We met so many people that night I can't even remember all of them. But that night brought me closer to my friends. However, the second day of February was filled with depression. The concert was over and I had nothing to look forward to anymore. That, and my boyfriend blew me off for god knows what reason. School resumed on Monday, and everything was normal again. In the middle of the month, my mom had some pictures from my childhood developed, and it brought me to thinking about my life. Now, a year later, I'm even more scared than ever to start my life. February also brought the Depression back into my life, but with the help of my good friends, it pulled me out. Alexa, Sara, and I drifted apart, hardly spending any time together.
March:
March started off with a new person being introduced into my life, someone who at the time, had been there for a year, but now she came into my life in a whole new light. I didn't hate her anymore. Her name is Madi. And over the next few months she would prove to be more than just a friend. Sara and I proved to be better friends, while my relationship with Eric began to fall apart. Depression plagued me again, and with the help of a boy named Tim, I fell into a trap. I stopped loving everyone around me, and eventually, on the Nineteenth I broke up with my boyfriend. That was directly after my Junior Prom, where I'd danced in his arms, not-so-happily in love. When I fell into Depression, friends came again to pull me out of it. Sara, Alexa, and I started to hang out again in my bedroom. The 25th brought my 17th birthday, and the arrival of the new Panic at the Disco cd, Pretty. Odd. I got out of school early that day and went to get it in Quincy, coming home with both the cd and a new tshirt. I went to Chinese that night, then had my birthday party at my grandma's house. It was Hannah Montana themed. At the very end of the month, I was introduced to Twilight.
April:
Maddi and I got closer, connected by our love of Twilight. That's about all of my blog updates are about from this month. Twilight also brought me closer to a girl named Malissie, and she's proven to be a very good friend to me over the last months. Work became very fun as we approached the end of the school year. I started to hang out with Malissie out of school, and she introduced me to two people I still love, Brandi and Dennis. At the end of the month, I started to get very, very depressed once again, the spring months not bringing me out of it.
May:
During May, I came close to shutting every one out. My thoughts sucked inward, to a mind that was plagued with very bad thoughts. I stopped writing, stopped updating because it hurt to think about anything. The middle of May brought finals, the end of school, the graduation of Malissie, and the one year anniversary of my grandpa dying. I started to feel better about life, enjoying being outside. I picked up a pencil and started writing again. I would log onto email at school and would talk to Madi all day. School ended, allowing me to dive headfirst into the summer months. I thought they would be pleasant and wonderful, but they proved otherwise. I stopped talking to Sara almost completely. She blew me off one too many times and I just stopped. I wrote a lot, talking to Madi and getting her help through my stories.
June:
Everything crashed in June, despite the many times that I spent with my three best friends. I would spend hours on the phone with Madi, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Hours were spent at Brandi's house, on the playground, rushing me home to make it to curfew. I spent hours smiling, only with them. And then with my family, because they couldn't know how bad it got. After six months of not doing it, I ended my streak with ten lines across my forearm. My mom found out about the cutting, but she failed to do anything about it, sinking me further into the Depression. In an effort to protect myself, I created two people to live in my head. Their names are Will and Kate, and I wrote for them constantly. I still do. I heard their thoughts better than my own, but when Kate started to slip, that broke. I spent more time with Malissie, Dennis, and Brandi than I had with anyone. I pushed Haley to the far ends of my life. I made plans for suicide, because it seemed like the only way out. It was the lowest point in my life. Madi started to fall too, and when she went into the hospital I fell apart.
July:
July started off with a concert. My very first Vans Warped Tour, and the one day of the summer I was absolutely happy. I saw six bands. We The Kings, Cobra Starship, The Academy Is..., FightFightFight, Gym Class Heroes, and Jack's Mannequin. The rest of July is something I don't like to talk about. The first half of July was spent with me slipping further and further, until I finally slipped and 106 cuts were laced across my legs. When I told my best friend I was going to kill myself, I agreed to be taken to the hospital. Where I stayed for a week. Secrets were revealed to my parents, and they finally believed me. When I came out, I felt better. I felt alive. I felt okay and I loved being reunited with the people I loved, and letting them get to know the me that wasn't under a cloud of depression. I also bought my first car, a white Ford Taurus I called Delaney.
August:
August brought on more of the summer. I went to St. Louis for a concert, but that also marked the beginning of Madi's second stay in the hospital. Bringing me closer to my friends. Back into the sunlight. I got my driver's license, and at the same time my two best friends moved away for college. I started my senior year in high school. I got closer with Alexa once again.
September:
In September, I focused a lot on school. A lot on Madi and our writing. I started to miss Malissie. I went to see them in Columbia. Then everything started to fall apart when I got news that Madi would be leaving for the entire month of October. September ended with me on the phone for a long time, crying to Madi and begging for a miracle.
October:
October is a blur, because I really don't like thinking about it. It was full of fake, cheap smiles. Full of driving home every day to check the mail. Reading letters. Being shut out of my head. Spending time with Alexa. Full of cheap things to make up for what was truly missing: Madi. In the end of October, I went to Key Leader Weekend as a student facilitator, and had the most fun in three days that I'd ever had. Then Madi came back, and I had a sleepover on Halloween with my best friends.
November:
Midnight on November 1st marked the beginning of NaNoWriMo, so my month was spent writing. 50,000 words in a month sounded insane at first, and now that I've done it and succeeded, it still seems insane. I started writing with Madi again.
December:
Christmas time closed in, and I got everything that I wanted. I took the ACT. I've gotten closer with Alexa once again. I write a lot now. And now it's December 31st, and the year will end with me and madi enjoying ourselves.
and now, I welcome 2009, and all of it's ups and downs, with open arms.
The year started out with a bang, spending time with my now exboyfriend at Cecelia Pierceall's house playing DDR. He drove me home and I kissed his cheek. We were a new, happy couple. I stayed up half the night that day and talked to Haley, then woke up at 8am after about 3 hours of sleep to go feed the cows and take part in other January 1st activities. On the third I went on a date with Eric, we went and saw Alvin and the Chipmonks, laughing the whole way through, and then went to Java Jive. In the middle of January, I went to work and then hung out with some of my favorite people at the top of the lighthouse. Then I went to Java Jive to warm up, and was texting Eric. January 17th we had a half day of school, and I kissed my boyfriend that day while watching Snakes on a Plane. That day ended with me, Sara, and Alexa going to the Lollipop Guild and getting candy. A few days later, I found myself with Eric once again, at the park this time. Then outside my Grandma's house, kissing him slowly goodbye. I let Ruth back into my life once again around that time, and the year proved to be a hard one for us. The month ended with Sara, Alexa, and I on my dining room floor, making bright purple shirts to wear to a concert the next night.
February:
February started off with me and my two best friends standing outside of the Creepy Crawl in St. Louis. Directly in front of me was a girl who, at the time, was simply a girl going to a concert with me, but has now proven to be a good friend. Her name is Maddi. That night I saw three bands, Metro Station, We The Kings, and Cobra Starship. We met so many people that night I can't even remember all of them. But that night brought me closer to my friends. However, the second day of February was filled with depression. The concert was over and I had nothing to look forward to anymore. That, and my boyfriend blew me off for god knows what reason. School resumed on Monday, and everything was normal again. In the middle of the month, my mom had some pictures from my childhood developed, and it brought me to thinking about my life. Now, a year later, I'm even more scared than ever to start my life. February also brought the Depression back into my life, but with the help of my good friends, it pulled me out. Alexa, Sara, and I drifted apart, hardly spending any time together.
March:
March started off with a new person being introduced into my life, someone who at the time, had been there for a year, but now she came into my life in a whole new light. I didn't hate her anymore. Her name is Madi. And over the next few months she would prove to be more than just a friend. Sara and I proved to be better friends, while my relationship with Eric began to fall apart. Depression plagued me again, and with the help of a boy named Tim, I fell into a trap. I stopped loving everyone around me, and eventually, on the Nineteenth I broke up with my boyfriend. That was directly after my Junior Prom, where I'd danced in his arms, not-so-happily in love. When I fell into Depression, friends came again to pull me out of it. Sara, Alexa, and I started to hang out again in my bedroom. The 25th brought my 17th birthday, and the arrival of the new Panic at the Disco cd, Pretty. Odd. I got out of school early that day and went to get it in Quincy, coming home with both the cd and a new tshirt. I went to Chinese that night, then had my birthday party at my grandma's house. It was Hannah Montana themed. At the very end of the month, I was introduced to Twilight.
April:
Maddi and I got closer, connected by our love of Twilight. That's about all of my blog updates are about from this month. Twilight also brought me closer to a girl named Malissie, and she's proven to be a very good friend to me over the last months. Work became very fun as we approached the end of the school year. I started to hang out with Malissie out of school, and she introduced me to two people I still love, Brandi and Dennis. At the end of the month, I started to get very, very depressed once again, the spring months not bringing me out of it.
May:
During May, I came close to shutting every one out. My thoughts sucked inward, to a mind that was plagued with very bad thoughts. I stopped writing, stopped updating because it hurt to think about anything. The middle of May brought finals, the end of school, the graduation of Malissie, and the one year anniversary of my grandpa dying. I started to feel better about life, enjoying being outside. I picked up a pencil and started writing again. I would log onto email at school and would talk to Madi all day. School ended, allowing me to dive headfirst into the summer months. I thought they would be pleasant and wonderful, but they proved otherwise. I stopped talking to Sara almost completely. She blew me off one too many times and I just stopped. I wrote a lot, talking to Madi and getting her help through my stories.
June:
Everything crashed in June, despite the many times that I spent with my three best friends. I would spend hours on the phone with Madi, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Hours were spent at Brandi's house, on the playground, rushing me home to make it to curfew. I spent hours smiling, only with them. And then with my family, because they couldn't know how bad it got. After six months of not doing it, I ended my streak with ten lines across my forearm. My mom found out about the cutting, but she failed to do anything about it, sinking me further into the Depression. In an effort to protect myself, I created two people to live in my head. Their names are Will and Kate, and I wrote for them constantly. I still do. I heard their thoughts better than my own, but when Kate started to slip, that broke. I spent more time with Malissie, Dennis, and Brandi than I had with anyone. I pushed Haley to the far ends of my life. I made plans for suicide, because it seemed like the only way out. It was the lowest point in my life. Madi started to fall too, and when she went into the hospital I fell apart.
July:
July started off with a concert. My very first Vans Warped Tour, and the one day of the summer I was absolutely happy. I saw six bands. We The Kings, Cobra Starship, The Academy Is..., FightFightFight, Gym Class Heroes, and Jack's Mannequin. The rest of July is something I don't like to talk about. The first half of July was spent with me slipping further and further, until I finally slipped and 106 cuts were laced across my legs. When I told my best friend I was going to kill myself, I agreed to be taken to the hospital. Where I stayed for a week. Secrets were revealed to my parents, and they finally believed me. When I came out, I felt better. I felt alive. I felt okay and I loved being reunited with the people I loved, and letting them get to know the me that wasn't under a cloud of depression. I also bought my first car, a white Ford Taurus I called Delaney.
August:
August brought on more of the summer. I went to St. Louis for a concert, but that also marked the beginning of Madi's second stay in the hospital. Bringing me closer to my friends. Back into the sunlight. I got my driver's license, and at the same time my two best friends moved away for college. I started my senior year in high school. I got closer with Alexa once again.
September:
In September, I focused a lot on school. A lot on Madi and our writing. I started to miss Malissie. I went to see them in Columbia. Then everything started to fall apart when I got news that Madi would be leaving for the entire month of October. September ended with me on the phone for a long time, crying to Madi and begging for a miracle.
October:
October is a blur, because I really don't like thinking about it. It was full of fake, cheap smiles. Full of driving home every day to check the mail. Reading letters. Being shut out of my head. Spending time with Alexa. Full of cheap things to make up for what was truly missing: Madi. In the end of October, I went to Key Leader Weekend as a student facilitator, and had the most fun in three days that I'd ever had. Then Madi came back, and I had a sleepover on Halloween with my best friends.
November:
Midnight on November 1st marked the beginning of NaNoWriMo, so my month was spent writing. 50,000 words in a month sounded insane at first, and now that I've done it and succeeded, it still seems insane. I started writing with Madi again.
December:
Christmas time closed in, and I got everything that I wanted. I took the ACT. I've gotten closer with Alexa once again. I write a lot now. And now it's December 31st, and the year will end with me and madi enjoying ourselves.
and now, I welcome 2009, and all of it's ups and downs, with open arms.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
things get so fucked up when you get your heart involved:
but then it's nights like this. nights when we've gotten over a fight and she's distant. nights that make me feel like i'm being ripped in half. every second that passes feels like another stab at my heart. i know it's not her fault that she's not talking to me right now, but still i long for her voice. i hope she comes back soon or it's going to be a long time before i sleep.
tonight i went out with friends in my desperate attempt in getting my thoughts away from her. it didn't work. i should have known better because nothing ever takes my thoughts away from her. i could be far, far away, at a concert or meeting someone important to me and my thoughts would still be on her. i should know better.
last night was a disaster, and i really should have known better. i might as well write 'fuck up' across my forehead because that's how i feel. i hurt her, and i didn't mean to, but i did. i should have known better because it's my girlfriend and i should know what hurts her. i should have known and yeah, i probably did know but i'm still a fuck up.
there's a blade in my guitar case for safe keeping. i don't intend on using it, but i feel comfort in knowing that it's there. i hate relying on that feeling. i hate even thinking about it. it's been five months and 12 days. i don't need it, but it sure as hell feels like it.
christmas is in four days, one hour, and twelve minutes. it feels more like it should be months from now. the last few months have flown by. my senior year is slipping away from me. and to be honest, i'm glad. i'm looking forward to freedom.
i'm sitting in my living room right now, my laptop screen and the red, pink, orange, blue, and green lights of my christmas tree are the only things i see. words are flowing through my head. i write the best when i'm depressed.
depressed. depression. i hate those words. two words that to others, are meaningless. but to me, they mean life or death. depression makes me feel like i'm being crushed. i look at other people, people who are laughing and happy, and i think of cartoon characters. you know, the ones that get the anvil dropped on their heads and they just bounce back up like a spring. i, unfortunately, am not like that. i fall apart. i break. i am broken.
i don't write anymore because the words don't flow. when i'm happy, i don't feel like myself.
and you have no idea how pathetic that makes me feel.
tonight i went out with friends in my desperate attempt in getting my thoughts away from her. it didn't work. i should have known better because nothing ever takes my thoughts away from her. i could be far, far away, at a concert or meeting someone important to me and my thoughts would still be on her. i should know better.
last night was a disaster, and i really should have known better. i might as well write 'fuck up' across my forehead because that's how i feel. i hurt her, and i didn't mean to, but i did. i should have known better because it's my girlfriend and i should know what hurts her. i should have known and yeah, i probably did know but i'm still a fuck up.
there's a blade in my guitar case for safe keeping. i don't intend on using it, but i feel comfort in knowing that it's there. i hate relying on that feeling. i hate even thinking about it. it's been five months and 12 days. i don't need it, but it sure as hell feels like it.
christmas is in four days, one hour, and twelve minutes. it feels more like it should be months from now. the last few months have flown by. my senior year is slipping away from me. and to be honest, i'm glad. i'm looking forward to freedom.
i'm sitting in my living room right now, my laptop screen and the red, pink, orange, blue, and green lights of my christmas tree are the only things i see. words are flowing through my head. i write the best when i'm depressed.
depressed. depression. i hate those words. two words that to others, are meaningless. but to me, they mean life or death. depression makes me feel like i'm being crushed. i look at other people, people who are laughing and happy, and i think of cartoon characters. you know, the ones that get the anvil dropped on their heads and they just bounce back up like a spring. i, unfortunately, am not like that. i fall apart. i break. i am broken.
i don't write anymore because the words don't flow. when i'm happy, i don't feel like myself.
and you have no idea how pathetic that makes me feel.
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