the past six months of my life have been the hardest months of my life. in short, my grandma has had a heart attack, my grandpa has died, i've turned sixteen, i've graduated tenth grade. the first thing, my grandma's heart attack, is something i do not talk about. i do not acknowledge it, i do not think about it, i just live my life and pretend it didn't happen. the second i don't talk about either, but unlike the first it is absolutely impossible for me to ignore, i have to deal with it every day. and even now, even when i should write about it, i can't bring myself to say anything about it. i can't make myself, and i won't.
in february i started having panic attacks at school for no reason whatsoever. they'd get so bad that my mom was having to remove me from school 2-3 days a week. i wasn't sleeping at night. i could barely talk about it. it was affecting everything and i didn't know how to stop it. i still don't know how to stop it. my mom finally took me to a doctor and it was no help whatsoever.
ever since then i've been feeling worse and worse.
the slightest thing can bring me down. haley leaving for a few minutes to go to the bathroom, my mom needing me to go to the store, not talking to nicole in over a week. and when i feel like this, i don't care how fantastic my day has been, its enough to make me start bawling.
i hate feeling like this. i need help. i just wish i knew how to ask for it.
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i love you.
ReplyDeleteyou're the echoes of my everything, you're the emptiness the whole world sings at night. you're the laziness of the afternoon; you're the reason why i burst and bloom. you're the leaky sink of sentiment, you're the failed attempts i never could forget. you're the metaphors i can't create to comprehend this curse that i call love.
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