M-I-Z-Z-O-U:

There's something magical about a new school year, especially now that I'm in my sophomore year of college. Off topic, but isn't it weird to think that I'm a sophomore in college, especially since I started this blog in the summer before I was a junior in high school? But anyway, this year is so much different than last year, and maybe the sole difference is that there was no fear in coming back to school this year. It was just natural, as though I was stepping back into a life that I had just temporarily put on pause.

Immediately after being at school, I redefined my love of school. While I'm the first to answer the question of "Where do you go to school" with a huge smile and a reply of "Mizzou", I realized that my love of Mizzou is more limited to my love of McDavid. From the moment I moved in last year, I exhaled a long breath that had been held in for oh, all twelve years of my previous schooling. McDavid, and furthermore Mizzou, is different than anything I've ever experienced. I flourish here. I thrive here. I am more myself here than I have ever been. There's something about this place that screams acceptance.

And I don't think I fully realized that until I had to go away from it for a little while. But I love this place, I love the people. I must admit, I seem to love this batch of McDavid inhabitants a bit better than last years. I love the organizations. For those of you that don't know, I'm the co-president of Arts Advocates, and I'm in SCAM (Student Council at McDavid). I'm also a Community Leader, which puts me out there and pushes me to get to know everyone I can.

Last year, moving to Mizzou, I encountered a nearly crippling wave of homesickness. Which, luckily, is nowhere to be found this year. Sure, I'm eager to go home. I miss my mom, dad, and of course, my cat. But I'm in no hurry to stay home.

Long story short, I love this place. I thrive here. It's a very, very good place to be.

I was going to make an "end of summer" post

But getting up at 9am today kicked my ass a bit. So here's a picture of my face instead:

I tend to have this problem with words recently. They're worded so... elegantly in my head. But when it comes time to up them down on paper or type them up, I find myself staring at a blank piece of paper or an empty new post box. The words are forever lost in my mind, waiting for me to figure out how to say them.

When they can't find you, you'll turn into a mystery:

While I haven't really taken the time to express what's been going on, I know that a lot of people closest to me know what the last month of my life has been like. Before I get into anything else, I'd like to thank those of you that have been there through my tears, my laughs, and my breakdowns in the last month. And always. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel like I've been a mess the last couple of weeks.

It all started on July 8th, when I lost my Grandma Howard unexpectedly. I'd really like to, at some point, take the time to write out how I feel about that. But now is not the time. Simply because I don't have the energy, and that's not what this post is about. A couple days later, my friend Madison went through absolute hell with personal issues. Then, my great-grandma was placed in the hospital due to her having trouble breathing. The next day, my grandma was taken to the hospital after her blood sugar dipped below 15. Which, even if you're not familiar with diabetes, is so near death that even we are baffled as to why she's still with us. After that, my grandpa was admitted to the hospital after having a mini-stroke. And on Friday, my great-grandma was placed back into the hospital. That's what this post is about, really. Her. She's not doing well. Not well at all. I guess there's a part of me that knew this was coming. It's why I moved home this summer, to be near family. I knew that she was getting worse and worse and worse, but I didn't want it to be true.

I don't know all the medical terms for it, or even really what is going on. But what I do know is that she can't breathe. Ever. She's consistently on oxygen because she just can't breathe otherwise. She can't even get out of her chair and walk to the kitchen - a distance of less than twenty feet - without feeling out of breath. She's scared to take a shower because the steam makes it too hard to breathe. My great-grandma is literally suffocating to death, and there is not much they can do except watch her. They can postpone the inevitable, but they can't stop it. Or even make her feel better. Over the last couple days I've seen her go from sitting down and being able to breathe, to simply sitting up in her hospital bed and being breathless as though she'd ran a mile.

Quite frankly, it's breaking my heart.

Today, my mom informed me that when my great-grandma says her prayers every night, she tells God that whenever he's ready for her, she wants to go. She's ready to die. And that's a thought that both terrifies me and makes me happy. Utterly, completely selfishly, I don't want her to die. I don't want to let go of this person that I love so completely. I want her to be around forever, to give me advice and tell me stories. I want the woman that helped raise me, that made me mac & cheese and mashed potatoes summer after summer because I didn't want to eat anything else. I don't want her to go anywhere, because she's my great-grandma, and she's so, so important to me.

However, then I think rationally. I think about the way she's living, the way she can't do anything. Almost everything she's loved has been taken from her. She can't work puzzles anymore because the movement wears her out. She can't cook because she can't be on her feet. She can't go shopping or go outside or go to church or play with her grandchildren. She doesn't have a life, she has a stationary position in a chair in front of a tv. She is miserable. She is suffocating to death. Every day she gets a little worse. And while I don't want her to go away, I realize that there comes a time when she needs to. Because she doesn't have a life anymore. She's not happy, and as much as I want her, I realize that it's getting to the point when I need to let go.

I'm scared. I don't want to have to come to that. But it's coming, and I'm trying to prepare myself for that. But for now, I want to be there as much as I can. Because I only have so much time left, and I don't want to waste a minute.

Prompt: A Picture Of Someone Who Has The Biggest Impact On You:

I bet there's a part of everyone that expects me to post a picture of Andrew McMahon, and that could totally be expected. I'd say that's true, but no one has a bigger impact on me than this woman right here:

This is the wonder that I get to call my mother. I don't express how much I love her enough. I love you, Mom. I'm so lucky to have you.

Prompt: A Recent Picture of You and 15 Interesting Facts About Yourself:

A new month, a new list for 30days. This one is a bit more fun than last months. I apologize for the horrid picture, as I took it with my cell phone while standing in the parking lot at the hospital yesterday. But today's topic insists I list 15 interesting facts about myself, so here it goes:

1. I'm ambidextrous. While I don't write with both hands, I do have the ability. My handwriting with my right is simply neater, therefore that's the hand I tend to choose. However, I do most things with my left hand. I can also bat right and left handed, and play tennis left handed. I tend to reach for things with my left hand, too.
2. I'm dual-majoring in Human Development & Family Studies and Social Work. I intend to get my Master's degree in Social Work, and would like to go on to either be a therapist or an adoption social worker.
3. I am a recovering self-injurer. I say recovering because every day is a step to not slip back into that habit. I was hospitalized in 2008 after a battle with depression and self-injury. I also have a tattoo on my left wrist that reads "swim" as a tribute to this battle.
4. I have a lot of friends in my life that I would consider "best friends", but I have three people that I consider my true best friends. They are Ruth, Madison, and Jessica.
5. My favorite band is Something Corporate, which I can thank Ruth for getting me into. While they stopped producing music, they are still a band I cherish. I am seeing them in three days for the second time live.
6. In the last six months, I have travelled more than I could ever imagine. I went to Chicago for the first time, and have countless trips to St. Louis. I've learned that distance doesn't change friendship, and sometimes your closest friends live far away.
7. I am extremely lucky family-wise. At nineteen, I still have one of my great-grandparents and seven of my grandparents. I still have both of my parents, and both sets of step-parents. I realize that this is a huge gift to have, and I don't take it for granted.
8. I have a slight addiction to LUSH Cosmetics. And by slight, I mean that I've probably spent $100 on soap this summer alone. I really love the Karma line, but you could probably talk me into anything in that store.
9. In three weeks I'll be beginning my Sophomore year at Mizzou. I'm taking political science, philosophy, sociology, nutritional sciences, intro to hdfs, and intro to social work this semester. I'm really excited to not be taking French.
10. In the Mac vs. PC game, I'm a Mac. However, not in the pretentious, asshole type way. I got my Macbook Pro when I was looking at a Journalism major. And quite simply, I wouldn't go back to a PC. Maybe I'm spoiled, maybe I'm an asshole, but my Mac works for what I need it to, and I like that.
11. My favorite color(s) are Blue and Red. In my dream house, I will have a kitchen that is mostly black and white with red accents.
12. I really enjoy Harry Potter. My dorm theme this year is Harry Potter, and I can't be more thrilled to participate.
13. At school, I do a lot of stuff. As in, I participate in ways that I didn't think possible in High School. This year alone, I am Co-President of Arts Advocates, a club that I lovelovelove, and I'm a CL (aka Community Leader). I also intend on joining Student Council At McDavid (SCAM) and Purple, the literary arts magazine.
14. I have two pets. I have a cat that I've had since I was four years old. She's gray and white and formally named Chablis (Cha-blee), but we just call her Kitty, or if you're me, Kitten. I also have a guinea pig that I call Lady Gaga (I really need to rename her) that I've had since March.
15. I grew up in Hannibal, Missouri, but I consider my home to be Columbia, Missouri. Which, if you didn't know, is where Mizzou is located. I think this is because I grew so much in personality while I was there, and I feel more physically at home there.

In case you didn't know, it's insanely hard to come up with 15 facts about yourself. I don't feel all that interesting. However, I'd love it if you'd give me a couple facts about yourself in the comments.