i miss these kinds of things:

i had a dream last night that alexa, sara, and i had a sleepover. It was in my room going through numerous boxes of my stuff, making jokes out of it, laughing. I woke up and cried for thirty minutes because that's exactly how it was six months ago. But something happened and now we don't love each other like that.

well, i still love you two.

v's really do have feelings:

seized the brave (4:08:37 PM): :] v
seized the brave (4:08:47 PM): ignore the random v
frail as breath (4:08:58 PM): lol no i won't ignore it
seized the brave (4:09:20 PM): YES YOU WILL
frail as breath (4:09:33 PM): NO I WON'TR
frail as breath (4:09:36 PM): WON'T*
seized the brave (4:09:46 PM): :[ why not
frail as breath (4:10:12 PM): cause i don't wannaaaaaaa
seized the brave (4:11:55 PM): but it wants to be ~alone
frail as breath (4:12:04 PM): oh well!
seized the brave (4:12:56 PM): why won't you respect its wishes?!
frail as breath (4:13:27 PM): cause it's just a v!
seized the brave (4:13:30 PM): SO?
frail as breath (4:14:16 PM): IT DOESN'T HAVE WISHES
seized the brave (4:14:31 PM): DOES TOO.
seized the brave (4:14:45 PM): IT WANTS TO BE A W BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE A SIAMESE TWIN
frail as breath (4:15:47 PM): WELL WHAT A SHAME
seized the brave (4:15:54 PM): ....
seized the brave (4:16:00 PM): what the hell are we talking about?
frail as breath (4:16:09 PM): lmfao i have no idea

this is honestly something that makes me happy:

began to burn (10:16:50 PM): i can honestly
began to burn (10:16:51 PM): and sincerely say
began to burn (10:16:53 PM): i love you too

because i need some happy:

TEN HAPPY MEMORIES:

1. Picture me, six years old and still incredibly anxious about the concept of school. I'm in kindergarten, the afternoon kind where i go in when the 'big kids' are having lunch. Except at that time, I didn't know that LUNCH was what they were doing in that big room. I wouldn't learn for another year or so. And even then I couldn't grasp the concept of anyone eating this nasty school lunch when there was a great-grandma out there that would willingly fix mountains of mashed potatoes and mac & cheese.
2. Age unknown. Me, at my great-grandma's house. My grandpa, is a farmer. Kind of. But he was bundling the hay or whatever they called it. And I'm just a little kid but he willingly lets me drive the tractor. I was never to small for him.
3. December 15th, 2007. Seeing Wicked with Sara. First time in a long time I'd really felt a part of a real, healthy friendship.

fuck this. i can't do this anymore.

i give up, give in.

bring me up, take it off, let's just touch:

today when i got home from work my mom had some pictures developed. just those weird film containers that we'd stuck in the back of a drawer and forgotten about. those contained dozens of pictures of me from the ages of 11-14.

i look back at those and remember the time in my life. back when i was young and thought that i was halfway done with my life. because my life back then was my school years.

now, as a junior in high school, only a year away from graduating, i think about how my life has yet to begin.

ps: thank you for hugging me today instead of telling me that i'm crazy. and also for coming up and assuring me that nothing was going to happen to us. and telling me that you loved me.

its you that makes me feel special. all you.