a brief conversation at work

"This pizza looks SCRUMPTIOUS!"

"What?! Who says SCRUMPTIOUS"

"Haha WHAT?"

"That's like that one time someone said 'These buns are so moist', like seriously who says that"

"Me."

i'm up earlier now than yesterday

i'm ever so patiently waiting on my mother to get done drying her hair so we can get me off to school for key club. and part of me wants to mention that i might only be going to key club this morning for the donuts. but that's not the only reason, i promise. i have work tonight, and i can't be more excited. whoo. last night was a mess of emotions and my head wouldn't stop racing, and i really need people who can look at me when i've been quiet for a long time and simply say, "Stop thinking."

I can say that to myself, but it's not good enough.

I'm the type of girl that will babble about nothing important if it'll distract me from my thoughts. Maybe I'm crazy, but hell, it works.

ps. i'm going to write an important entry one of these days, just wait until i get a day off and i'll have blogspots pouring out of me. until then...

why i love my job

"If I take you to St. Louis you'll have to find your own way home"

"That's fine! Marena we could stay at my friends house!"

"Uh, All I have to do is promise Mike Carden sexual favors and I'll get a ride home."

oh and one more thing:

next time you start to get all bitchy that we don't get to talk, stop and think of all the things i'm doing for you. i'm trying to stay up to talk to you because i miss you, and all you can do is say you want to go to bed. i better not hear another fucking word about you being bored, i don't want to hear it.

but i get that you're sick and need your rest. but whatever.

an open letter to you:

"it's only 11. You shouldn't be going to bed yet. You've done nothing today to make you tired."

What the fuck dad? You think I haven't done anything? Well first of all, the instant Haley went back to school was the instant my sleep schedule went down the toilet. All the things that used to soothe me to sleep disappeared and now i'm averaging about 2-3 hours of sleep a night. And that's not bad enough oh no no, but i had to get up at six and drag myself out of bed. and THEN i had to go to school for only 5 hours, but that was excruciating. and sure, you think that the two hours i got to sit down in front of my tv were like, nap time. but honestly, i studied and did my chores and all of that shit. but now, then at five, you seem to believe that i went to party time. but no, i went to cassanos to do my JOB. and i was on my feet for 5 and a half hours and I AM TERRIBLY FUCKING SORRY THAT I HAVEN'T GOT TO TALK TO YOU, BUT MY GOD I'M TRYING.

and ps i'll wash my own fucking shirt if it's that big of a deal. but god it's not like i asked you to do much. i have one shirt for work and that's not my fault.

i probably shouldn't be saying this

i'm not the type of girl that would be considered 'beautiful'. i'm not the girl that can crawl into bed and fall asleep. i'm not the ditzy girl my father thinks i am. i'm not the straight a student that my mother wishes from me. i'm not a good best friend. i have trouble listening. i get distracted too easily. i walk into doors and walls too much. i obsess over bands and hold them close to heart. i watch too much tv and spend too much time online. i'm terrible at spanish but decent in html. i have trouble getting my mind to shut up. i'm not the poster child for perfect skin. i'm not sporty like my brother. i'm not girly like my cousins. i don't do drugs. i don't smoke, i don't drink. i'm not pretty and popular. i hate shopping. i'm stubborn and selfish. i never listen. i make mistakes too much. my grammar is bad and so is my spelling. i'm immature. i have trouble making goals and even more trouble sticking to them.

but the point is, i'm doing okay.

when the summer is gone

honestly, nothing can describe the overwhelming feeling of sadness i got last night (this morning?) when sara and alexa pulled out of my driveway at 12:05 am. We stood in the driveway for at least 5 minutes just talking about summer. they were in my room for about two hours and i can't help but think that it's the last time the three of us will be in the same room until school starts. Plus it doesn't help that Sara got grounded for being an hour and a half past curfew, oops.

This summer has been a wonderful time, no matter how much i've complained about being bored, or wanting school to start. The closer it gets, the more terrified I am. I've gotten too used to going to bed at three in the morning, waking up to a phone call from haley at nine or ten. Getting to stay up late, be with my friends whenever I want. All these things I've been doing for three months and now that's going away. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself once school starts. I'm not letting my friends fall through the cracks.

Somehow, I'm going to manage having a job, school, and friends. I'll make sure they get the love they deserve (Sara and Alexa will be the easy ones, texting is allowed after 10, i'm positive.) but Haley however, she's going to be the difficult one. She can't text when she's at her dad's, and she has to go to bed at 9:30 for me.

I'll figure this out. I have to. I have to keep up or I'll never make it through the school year.

[PS Sara I wrote something similar to this in Tired Boys but you'll get to read that whenever I'm ready to give the notebook back up. I loved your elephant drawing by the way, even though I totally thought it was a peen. haha. i love you and i'll see you soon.]

scratch that

i got the job.

nerves

i have a job interview in 36 minutes and i feel incredibly nervous.

wish me luck?

three months

the day he died was the morning after honda civic. i remember i had just gotten to my dad's when my mom called. i answered the phone and she immediately asked for my dad. this was unusual, but i thought nothing of it. but when my dad rushed into the kitchen telling me to get up and get my stuff together because i was going to my grandma's, i knew something was up but my dad wouldn't tell me what.

the car ride took only 3 minutes, but the whole time i stayed silent and tried to think of what could possibly be wrong. my grandma sick? royce sick? cows out and needing my help? nothing could have possibly prepared me for what my mother had to say the instant i got out of the car. when she told me, it was an overwhelming feeling of disbelief as i took off running towards the garage. surely, he's not dead and this is just a joke. a cruel, cruel joke and he's going to pop out from behind something to scare me. i managed to break away from my mom and dad, probably the first time they've ever hugged me at the same time ever, and i run inside the house, freezing at the sight of my grandma on the couch in tears. and my only thoughts were it's true, it's true. and what the hell am i going to do now?

what happened after that is a blur to me. a series of tears and hugs and running to the corners of the house just to get away. my father having the nerve to tell me that it was selfish to cry. that i needed to be strong. the way i immediately got up and got my cousins and went for a walk down parker lane, which proved to be a bad idea considering the countless times i've gone for a walk with him there. i stayed the night at the house that night, but went home the next day.

the visitation is a blur too, nothing but being pushed towards the casket and it finally hitting me that he was dead as i saw his pale, cold body laying there. it brought a sea of fresh tears and it had me running to the end of the funeral home. just to get away from it. just to breathe.

his funeral was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. i remember the glares from family members as i took my seat, a personal invitation to sit between my grandma and great-grandma, being able to hold their hands and help them through this. the way i didn't care when i got yelled at for getting in the limo with my great-grandma. the way i needed to be near her and she needed me. watching his casket being lowered into the ground. going inside the church for my first meal in over a week.

it's been three months since my great-grandpa died, and i'd like to think that i'm starting to get over it, but i know i'm not. and i know that my family hasn't bounced back yet. i know by the way we get choked up when we hear some songs, by the way we'll avoid the garage completely unless we have to get food for the cows. the way my mom and i feel like crying every time we talk about the cows being gone. i know we're not over it and we probably won't be for a long, long time.

but that's okay. my grandpa and i were very, very close and you don't just get over that. i don't think anyone expects me to. he encouraged me, praised everything i did, he taught me, and god, he raised me. i spent more time at his house than i did at home. in fact, i remember that the good majority of my kindergarten days were spent with him leading me by the hand into the classroom. i miss that. i wish i could go back to those days and stay in his arms for just a little longer.

a lot of the memories i have of growing up involved him. he taught me how to ride a bike, taught me how to take care of animals, helped me become the person i am today. but now, my mother asked me to give her my favorite memory, and i had trouble coming up with one.

he gave me morals and i hope to god that i'm making him proud. i'm trying my best to keep myself together and not get caught up in the things he raised me to say no to. if my mother can't keep me from it, at least knowing that he wouldn't want me to will.

i promise i'm going to make him proud. i need to remember all of the good times i had with him and keep them close to heart. i need to remember the last words between us, him wishing me to rock out at honda civic tour, a hug and a kiss, and exchanged "i love you"s.

i need that to keep me sane.

honestly

you've got some nerve telling me what to say in this. it's my blogspot. my thoughts, my words, my feelings. don't you dare say that i need to take something out because it hurts your feelings.

oh please, like you've never hurt mine.

to you:

you know, really, it's just school, and it feels like i'm going to lose you forever. i've gotten way too attached to the fact that i can get ahold of you any time of the day, everyday. and maybe that's not healthy, but it's just how i am. i'm sorry that i'm clingy, i'm sorry that you have to worry about me, i'm sorry. But I'll be okay. Eventually, I'll be okay.

But it's also pretty cool that i might get to meet you in a couple weeks. Please, please let that happen for me. Please please please. I'm praying because I really need this. I need to meet you and see you and let you hug me in person because that would be amazing. please please please.

this is why we shouldn't watch the news at lunch:

"When I was younger, my polly pockets didn't have magnets. Their clothes were just made out of rubber and you were screwed if you ripped it."

"When I was younger, my dolls' clothes were made out of cloth. It didn't really rip."

"When I was younger, my dolls' were made out of paper!"

"Well screw you all. When I was younger I didn't have dolls!"

feeling special

"When was the last time I looked this cute?"

"Yesterday"

why we love each other.

haylie carden (10:02:58 PM): =] AND MIKE BEAR.
haley becks (10:03:14 PM): AND WILLIAM!
haley becks (10:03:19 PM): CAN BE REUNITEDDDDDDDDDDD
haylie carden (10:03:13 PM): AND LIKE YEAH.
haley becks (10:03:25 PM): AND IT'LL FEEL SO GOOOOOD
haylie carden (10:03:35 PM): ...they're not gonna fuck, haley.

your typical missouri family

After Tyler Burps:

"TYLER. WHAT DO YOU SAY"

"Uhh."

"Niiiice One."

"Well, Better out the front than out the back."

nicole and i need to go back to school now.

kept past demons (9:31:06 PM): my feetsies are coolddd.
began to burn (9:32:44 PM): mine aren't
kept past demons (9:33:14 PM): my feet are like popsicles!
began to burn (9:34:00 PM): YUM
began to burn (9:34:01 PM): flavored?
kept past demons (9:33:25 PM): feet flavored.
began to burn (9:34:18 PM): ew
kept past demons (9:33:55 PM): sorry, but what flavor would you like my feet to be?
began to burn (9:35:01 PM): banana
kept past demons (9:34:28 PM): i'll get right on that.
began to burn (9:35:32 PM): yay
began to burn (9:37:26 PM): my toes hurt
kept past demons (9:36:54 PM): my toes are COLD.
began to burn (9:37:51 PM): PUT ON SOME SOCKS
kept past demons (9:37:20 PM): like i know i'm being overdramatic about them
kept past demons (9:37:23 PM): but OH MY GOD so cold!
began to burn (9:38:15 PM): hahaha
kept past demons (9:38:09 PM): my parents enjoy making me wear hoodies in the summer, i swear
began to burn (9:39:04 PM): lmao
kept past demons (9:42:19 PM): that's sad.
kept past demons (9:42:33 PM): ...i think one of my feet just fell off.
began to burn (9:43:27 PM): FROSSTTTBITTTEEE
kept past demons (9:43:03 PM): yeah. my foot just just laying on the floor.
began to burn (9:43:53 PM): just just
kept past demons (9:43:22 PM): yes. i'm trying to prove my point!
began to burn (9:44:12 PM): and what point is that?
kept past demons (9:43:38 PM): THAT MY FEET ARE COLD
kept past demons (9:43:44 PM): HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING NO ATTENTION AT ALL
began to burn (9:44:28 PM): PUT SOME SOCKS ON DUMB FUCK
kept past demons (9:43:53 PM): I DON'T WANNA GET UP.
began to burn (9:44:54 PM): use your cat
kept past demons (9:44:40 PM): ...why is it that the first thing that comes to mind when you say 'use your cat' is 'moooo.'?
began to burn (9:45:35 PM): because you didn't learn the right animal sounds in kindergarden
kept past demons (9:45:07 PM): righttt.
kept past demons (9:45:27 PM): just like cows bark and dogs oink. :]
began to burn (9:46:40 PM): no they don't!
kept past demons (9:46:22 PM): they don'tttt?
began to burn (9:47:12 PM): no!
kept past demons (9:46:46 PM): what sounds do they make then, smarty pants?
began to burn (9:47:48 PM): dogs bark and cows quack
began to burn (9:47:51 PM): FUCK
began to burn (9:47:53 PM): COWS MOO
kept past demons (9:47:20 PM): ROFL.
began to burn (9:48:04 PM): i hate my life.
kept past demons (9:47:28 PM): i love you too.
began to burn (9:48:17 PM): thank you
began to burn (9:48:26 PM): i'm hungry
kept past demons (9:48:21 PM): use my cat!
began to burn (9:49:17 PM): i'm not going to eat your cat
began to burn (9:49:29 PM): and don't reuse my advice, either!!!
kept past demons (9:48:57 PM): use my feet!
began to burn (9:50:01 PM): ...
began to burn (9:50:05 PM): i thought they fell off
kept past demons (9:50:33 PM): ...righttt.
began to burn (9:51:45 PM): my feet hurt now
kept past demons (9:51:18 PM): mine are COLD.

you're my everything.

baby. i love you, i need you. god this made me bawl and i don't even know what to say. i've never felt so loved, so appreciated, so needed.

i know you're always a phone call away. and i know that sometimes i'll get mad because you don't answer. i know i get jealous when you're around your friends. but that's only because i can't truely be with you.

one day that will change, i swear to it. one day i'll be able to hug you in person and you'll know how to keep me happy. one day i'll come to you and i won't be able to go back home.

i know that your house will be a good place for me. and i know that next summer i'll be there. something just tells me that i will. something.

god made us friends for a reason, i truly believe that. i've never believed anything so much. i've never needed anyone so much. i've never felt this close to anyone.

you're special, haley bedford, i hope you know that. i hope you know that you mean the world to me. i wouldn't have gotten through a lot of the things that have been shoved on me this last year if it wasn't for you.

we're connected. we're connected through those bands that we wear on our wrists, clear through the names to the love in our hearts. i know that that sounds cheesy, but its true.

i've never been truly mad at you. sure, you'll make me mad sometimes. but i can't stay mad at you, i need you and i can't stand not being able to talk to you. we can't fight. its not in our blood.

god i love you. i can't say that enough. you're my best friend and you always will be. i don't care what anyone else says.

you know how to calm me down, how to make me smile. the smallest thing you do can fix everything.

i don't keep anything from you. i can't keep anything from you. even if i try, i feel so bad and i have to tell you. i've never been so honest with anyone, ever.

god, i know how you feel about this word thing. even everything i've said isn't enough to let you know what an impact you've made in my life.

i love you. i've never said any truer words.

you look like the songs i've heard my whole life coming true

i love the soft nights. the quiet time where every noise is mine, mine to control and enjoy. the hum of my laptop, the tapping of keys, the soft music. everything. everything that makes me feel so at peace. i'm really going to miss this when i have to go back to school. i'm going to miss talking to haley at two in the morning. at three. at four. at any time of the day i ever want. i'm going to miss hanging out with sara and alexa as much as i do.

and yet, i'm completely excited for school to start. because i know that this year is going to be better. it has to be better. plus the rewards of this year will be amazing. all i have to do is get my grades up and a visit to haley is in the works. i promise i'll make this happen. i want this more than anything i've ever wanted before. more than nicole moving back to hannibal, more than mike carden pledging his undying love more me. what i want is to see haley in person, to be able to hug her and tell her how much she means to me.

this year is going to save me. i'm excited to go back to school and be surrounded everyday by these people that love and care about me. i need that. i need to see them again and be with those hugs. even as much as i see sara and alexa, its truely never enough. i've let them slip into my life and now they mean more to me than i could have ever imagined.

so this year: i will stop being so overemotional. i won't be overdramatic. i'll cut out everyone that isn't healthy for me to be around. i'll get away from everyone who has ever hurt me. i'll do my homework and get good grades. i'll do these things because i fear what could happen if i don't.

to the people who treat me like trash: get out.
to the people i hug: keep me close to you.
to the people i cry to: you are trusted.
to those people i call baby: you are loved.
to those people i say 'i love you' to: i mean it.
to the people i remind often: you are needed.
to the people who can say it back: thank you.
to the people that mean it: stay in my life forever.
to the one person who can make me smile always: stay close to me always. never leave me and always be there for me.

i'll do the same for you.

to my true best friend:

you are the person that means the world to me. the person that can pull me through everything. your voice makes me smile, even when i feel like the world is crushing me in. you're the most amazing person i know, full of smiles and virtual hugs. you never upset me. you're 767 miles away from me, but sometimes it feels like you're in my room. you're the person i cry to when i can't deal. you're the person who never yells at me for being overemotional or overdramatic. i met you over the internet, but yet i know you better than anyone. i can be a total bitch to you and you're still loving and caring. you don't care that i'm totally annoying sometimes. you make me feel special and you know who i really am. and even though i am whiney, you still love me. i'm enough to you. i can never do anything to make you hate me and trust me, that's the greatest feeling in the world.

next summer is going to be amazing, i just know it.

never saying goodbye

a few days ago i posted a blog regarding my kitten, Santi. It's hard for me to believe that i'll probably never see her again. She's been missing since tuesday, the day i posted that bulletin.

to be completely honest, it's ripping me apart. every word of comfort i'm given isn't enough to make the pain go away.

i knew i should have brought her home. i didn't protect her, and now she's probably dead and it's all my fault.

please don't make me cry

When I was younger I went to Oakwood Elementary, but my third grade year I had to go to Central school one day a week for the gifted program. I despised the program, the teacher, the school, any part of it that wasn't familiar to me. I didn't know anyone there, and I was incredibly shy and afraid to ask questions or introduce myself.

I don't remember much of that year, except for that on the playground there was this huge map of the US. I can remember standing on Missouri, closing my eyes and spinning around in circles until I was dizzy. Then I'd take a step as far as I could go, and that would be where I would want to live.

9 times out of 10, it was Chicago.

I've never been to Chicago, but some part of me has always known that that's where I'm going to end up.

I hope I'm right. Right now I'd give anything to get out of this town.