its going to be

just a few minutes ago i was out at my grandma's, and my little cousin Bella was there. She's 3 years old, and she's the sweetest kid ever. She was playing with my kitten, Santi, and to hear her say its name, in that cute little kid voice

i knew everything was going to be okay.

maybe not now, maybe not next week, but eventually,

i will be okay.

could i be possibly insane?

last night i finally opened up to my mother about all of the things that have been bothering me recently. or all the things that have happened. but most of all, i told her about the amount of times i've thought about suicide to escape everything i've been feeling.

it was one of the hardest things i have done in my life, but by far i'm glad i did it

maybe someone will help me now.

i won't let this get me. i will fight.

the past six months of my life have been the hardest months of my life. in short, my grandma has had a heart attack, my grandpa has died, i've turned sixteen, i've graduated tenth grade. the first thing, my grandma's heart attack, is something i do not talk about. i do not acknowledge it, i do not think about it, i just live my life and pretend it didn't happen. the second i don't talk about either, but unlike the first it is absolutely impossible for me to ignore, i have to deal with it every day. and even now, even when i should write about it, i can't bring myself to say anything about it. i can't make myself, and i won't.

in february i started having panic attacks at school for no reason whatsoever. they'd get so bad that my mom was having to remove me from school 2-3 days a week. i wasn't sleeping at night. i could barely talk about it. it was affecting everything and i didn't know how to stop it. i still don't know how to stop it. my mom finally took me to a doctor and it was no help whatsoever.

ever since then i've been feeling worse and worse.

the slightest thing can bring me down. haley leaving for a few minutes to go to the bathroom, my mom needing me to go to the store, not talking to nicole in over a week. and when i feel like this, i don't care how fantastic my day has been, its enough to make me start bawling.

i hate feeling like this. i need help. i just wish i knew how to ask for it.