I'm a goofball:

cobrassayrena: my car is also fixed. super glad to have my delaney home!!
cobrassayrena: (yes my car is named Delaney)
asdeepasyouplay: Your car is named -- aha xD YAY!
cobrassayrena: except the steering wheel is named Ryan Ross
asdeepasyouplay: xD Why?
cobrassayrena: so I can grab Ryan Ross while riding Delaney

I know I should be home:

I haven't updated in awhile, mostly because I've been so caught up in the whole College thing, and I haven't exactly known what to say. Well, that, and I've been cranking out a novel and haven't had the brainpower to come up with any extra words.

I'm home now, not for the first time since I left for college, but for the first stretch of time. I have a whole week here - well ten days if we wanted to be technical - and I couldn't be happier to be here. I love waking up in my own bed, in my own room. I love being able to lay here and not have to think about college or doing homework. My only obligation is working, and noveling. The latter I've been slacking on, I'm sorry NaNoWriMo, I realize I'm just barely ahead. I'll fix that today. Promise. Pinky swear.

Thanksgiving is just a few days away, and I can't wait. I love that day, I love seeing my family. Unfortunately this year, I won't be seeing anyone from my dad's side, but they made that choice, I guess. I'll spend it with my mother, and her side of the family. And honestly, that makes me so much happier.

Ten things I'd like to get off my chest:

1. My grandma is still in the hospital, tomorrow it will have been two weeks. They keep pushing back her release, and the more they do so, the more afraid I become.
2. The longer she is in the hospital, the more it stirs up the thought that she might not make it through this, or that any moment she could die and I’d be in Columbia.
3. Which, only stirs up the bad memories of my Grandpa dying, and then I get all panicky again.
4. My grandma might be moving. Still in Hannibal, but away from the house that she’s lived in throughout my childhood. I feel like, while it would ultimately be what’s best for her, her moving would be like putting the last piece of my childhood away.
5. Being away from home sucks. I have never been more homesick than I have been the last few weeks.
6. NaNoWriMo. I’m not doing as well as I’d hoped. I’d planned to be at 30k by this weekend, and that didn’t happen. Now I’m disappointed in myself.
7. I’ve been feeling more distant from Madi than ever, and the thought makes me feel sick.
8. I have to go back to Mizzou in the morning, and while that seems to be such an amazing thing 90% of the time, I’m not thrilled about it this time.
9. Thanksgiving is two weeks away, and there’s a chance that my grandma could still be in the hospital. I can’t imagine the holiday without her.
10. I don’t have any money anymore.

something tells me we're too close:

goodgirlsgoruth: AND MICHELLE DUGGAR'S UTERUS

goodgirlsgoruth: HAS FALLEN OUT

goodgirlsgoruth: FOUR TIMES

goodgirlsgoruth: FALLEN OUT

goodgirlsgoruth: OF HER VAGINA.

wecouldbepilots: FUCK.

wecouldbepilots: OH FUCK

wecouldbepilots: THAT'S LIKE

goodgirlsgoruth: THAT IS DISGUSTING

wecouldbepilots: MY WORST FEAR

goodgirlsgoruth: AND THEN SHE HAS TO SAY OOPS AND THEN

goodgirlsgoruth: A DOCTOR HAS TO PUT IT BACK IN

goodgirlsgoruth: DONT YOU THINK THATS A FUCKING SIGN

wecouldbepilots: DLJFAKLJKLAFJKLJALK STOP

goodgirlsgoruth: THAT YOU SHOULD STOP PROCREATING

goodgirlsgoruth: JESUS CHRIST JIM BOB GET A FUCKING VASECTAMY IF YOU TWO LOVE TO DO IT SO MUCH

goodgirlsgoruth: FOUR FUCKING TIMES

goodgirlsgoruth: COULD YOU IMAGINE HOW THAT FEELS

goodgirlsgoruth: HOW DOES YOUR UTERUS FALL OUT

wecouldbepilots: OHFALJLKAJ

wecouldbepilots: OFALKJKLAJ

goodgirlsgoruth: THAT IS JUST

goodgirlsgoruth: LIKE I CANT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT

wecouldbepilots: I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE

goodgirlsgoruth: LIKE IMAGINE PEEING OUT A FUCKING UTERUS

wecouldbepilots: NO FUCKING BABIES EVER.

wecouldbepilots: LIKE

goodgirlsgoruth: "I think I'll just go to the ladies room real quick. HOLY SHIT THAT IS MY UTERUS"

wecouldbepilots: LOL OOPS MY FUCKING UTERUS FELL OUT, CAN YOU PLEASE STUFF IT BACK IN THERE

goodgirlsgoruth: EWWW

goodgirlsgoruth: I JUST PICTURED

goodgirlsgoruth: MICHELLE DUGGAR

goodgirlsgoruth: POKING IT BACK IN

goodgirlsgoruth: LOLOLOLOL

goodgirlsgoruth: LOL

wecouldbepilots: EW

goodgirlsgoruth: ew "symptoms of uterine prolapse include:" (that's when it falls out

wecouldbepilots: I JUST PICTURED HER LIKE CHILLAXIN ALL COOL AT THE MALL AND HER UTERUS JUST FALLING THE FUCK OUT

goodgirlsgoruth: "painful sexual intercourse"

goodgirlsgoruth: WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX

goodgirlsgoruth: WHEN YOUR UTERUS IS LIKE RIGHT THERE

goodgirlsgoruth: BOYS LIKE TO FUCK A VAGINA, NOT SOME WEIRD VACUOLE TYPE THING

wecouldbepilots: EW EW EW EW

goodgirlsgoruth: EWWWWW

goodgirlsgoruth: IT'S SO FUCKING DISGUSTING

goodgirlsgoruth: AND THAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER

goodgirlsgoruth: FOUR TIMES

wecouldbepilots: IT CAN FALL OUT WHEN YOU'RE GIVING BIRTH TOO

goodgirlsgoruth: I BET SHE CAN PERFORM THE SURGERY TO FIX IT ALL BY HERSELF NOW

wecouldbepilots: I REMEMBER WATCHING AN EPISODE OF ER AND THIS WOMAN WAS GIVING BIRTH TO TWINS AND HER UTERUS FELL OUT

wecouldbepilots: AND SHE FUCKING BLED TO DEATH

wecouldbepilots: AND HER HUSBAND WAS LIKE "BUT ARE MY BABIES OKAY"

goodgirlsgoruth: YEAH BUT YOUR WIFES UTERUS CAME OUT

goodgirlsgoruth: that's like

goodgirlsgoruth: EUGH IT'S SUPPOSED TO STAY IN YOUR BODY

wecouldbepilots: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THERE

wecouldbepilots: INSIDE

goodgirlsgoruth: WOAH DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE BESIDES MULTIPLE CHILD BIRTHS CAN CAUSE YOUR UTERUS TO COME OUT???

wecouldbepilots: what

goodgirlsgoruth: OBESITY, CONSTANT CONSTIPATION (DOOCE!), CHRONIC BRONCHITIS

goodgirlsgoruth: so like

goodgirlsgoruth: if you're hella fat

goodgirlsgoruth: your uterus could fall out

wecouldbepilots: YOUR UTERUS WILL JUST FLOP ON OUTTA THERE

goodgirlsgoruth: i'd be like, oh just leave it out, i'd like to lose 5 pounds

goodgirlsgoruth: ROFLMAO

goodgirlsgoruth: LMAO

goodgirlsgoruth: LMAO

goodgirlsgoruth: LMAO

goodgirlsgoruth: LMAO

wecouldbepilots: OH MY GOD THAT'S JUST

wecouldbepilots: JUST IMAGINE HOW THAT FEELS.

goodgirlsgoruth: EW LIKE

goodgirlsgoruth: IT WOULD FEEL LIKE

goodgirlsgoruth: POOPING OUT YOUR VAGINA

goodgirlsgoruth: EWWW

wecouldbepilots: EW

wecouldbepilots: OH GOD

wecouldbepilots: EW

goodgirlsgoruth: i know

goodgirlsgoruth: it's disgusting

wecouldbepilots: oh i can't even imagine

You're a brave girl, and courage is something I'll need now.

Cause it's been a hell of a day I've spent fading away.

We all fade sometimes, I believe.

And it's a strange world as I watch the tables get turned around.

You've got the strength that I've lost.

Who would have thought you'd be carrying me?

I swim for brighter days, despite the absence of sun:

I often have the complete inability to write about things that are important to me, or things that are happening in my life. It's not that I don't want to, but I sit down at blogger and I open up a new post... and nothing comes. My head goes blank, or worse, fills with a bunch of feelings that I'd rather not pour onto paper. Or into this box. Or anywhere. I don't want to document things here that I wouldn't say out loud to the few people who dare read this thing. I don't want this thing to become more substantial than the people I love the most.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I keep this blog. I used to think - back when I was sixteen and so remarkably naive - that I would get internet famous off of this thing. I used to crave the comments on each post, even if it was only from one or two people. Attention, that's what it was. I craved it like an addict. But now, over two years later, this blog isn't for that anymore. This blog, although I do give several people the privilege of reading my thoughts, is mine. And mine only.

I made the decision a few years ago that I wanted to document my life, and while I regret my original reasons for doing so, I do believe it was the best decision I could have made at the time. As hard as it is to read a lot of those posts, I'm glad they're there. I'm glad I can document the last two years of my life like this.

And, for as long as it's healthy for me to do so, I want to continue to keep my thoughts here. I might have to change the link from time to time, but I want to keep this blog.

a thousand miles seems pretty far, but we've got planes and trains and cars:

More often than not, when I can't sleep at night, I go to Ruth's blog. The one she's kept as long as I've kept my own, since the summer of 2007. Sometimes, I skim over the most recent entries, but often I don't, I click the special tag that's about me. Normally, you would think that having a special tag dedicated to you in your best friend's blog would mean nothing but good things; something to make you feel honored.


wecouldbepilots: every few weeks/days/whenever i feel really far away from you, i go to your blog and i click the marena tag and i read every entry that was ever about me, especially the bad ones.
wecouldbepilots: and i cry.
goodgirlsgoruth: it sometimes amazes me how EXACTLY alike we are
goodgirlsgoruth: because i do the same thing to your blog

There's things in Ruth's blog that make me crack up laughing, things that make me smile, and things that make me bawl. Things like "you are the most unoriginal person I have ever met, full of lies and pleas and you are so ungrateful, every pretend 'I'm sorry,' that you mumble is worthless." or "I'm just upset, and once I get upset about you, everything else in my life seems to fall apart." Or things that make me miserable, such as: "I need to cut you out of my life completely. I hate that it has to be this way, and it's not your fault, and it's not my fault. It just is. I'm not finished crying about it, but one day, I will be.", "You are not the best friend you used to be. But who's to say I'm any better?", or "I expected you to understand me more than anybody else. For just this one thing. I overestimated my ability to revive a friendship better left broken."

These are the things I read on a regular basis, things that make me bawl and ache until I force myself to remember everything that she's ever said to me. Every negative thing I've ever directed towards her. Every mistake I've made in this friendship. As much as it hurts to remember these things, I know that I can never let myself forget. I will never, ever let myself get things back to the way they once were between us.

goodgirlsgoruth: you've got to remember something about blogs though. there's usually written in the heat of the moment, when we're fighting or i'm angry or depressed or WHATEVER is going on in my personal life, i use that to fuel whatever i'm writing about. i think most of the bad marena ones are from sophomore/junior year. but i think it's good that we have those blogs because it shows that yes, we have had some MAJOR KILLER fights. and we've gone months without talking. and we've said 'i hate you' to eachother. but you know what?
goodgirlsgoruth: we've also had months where we do nothing but talk to eachother every single day. five years later, after i moved away, we are STILL best friends even though everybody told us it wouldnt happen. we fought with each other until we didnt have anything else to say, but despite all of that you still told me 10 minutes ago that i'm your best friend. and i told you that you are mine.

If there's anything, anything at all, I want more to be true, it's that I don't ever want my friendship with Ruth to go back to the way it once was. I don't want to have to ache anymore wondering what I've done wrong. Because she's right, once I get upset about her, everything in my life starts to fall apart.


goodgirlsgoruth: it's really easy to fall into believing that you are a bad person when all you read is negative things about yourself. loving yourself is harder. but you have never, EVER in my life given me a reason to stop loving you. you continue to amaze me every day with your creativity and spontaneity and charisma. i've never kept a friend as long as i've kept you
goodgirlsgoruth: i think
goodgirlsgoruth: sometimes soul mates arent necessarily lovers
goodgirlsgoruth: but they are best friends
goodgirlsgoruth: you provide thoughts and ideas that i would never ever think of