something tells me we're too close:

goodgirlsgoruth: AND MICHELLE DUGGAR'S UTERUS

goodgirlsgoruth: HAS FALLEN OUT

goodgirlsgoruth: FOUR TIMES

goodgirlsgoruth: FALLEN OUT

goodgirlsgoruth: OF HER VAGINA.

wecouldbepilots: FUCK.

wecouldbepilots: OH FUCK

wecouldbepilots: THAT'S LIKE

goodgirlsgoruth: THAT IS DISGUSTING

wecouldbepilots: MY WORST FEAR

goodgirlsgoruth: AND THEN SHE HAS TO SAY OOPS AND THEN

goodgirlsgoruth: A DOCTOR HAS TO PUT IT BACK IN

goodgirlsgoruth: DONT YOU THINK THATS A FUCKING SIGN

wecouldbepilots: DLJFAKLJKLAFJKLJALK STOP

goodgirlsgoruth: THAT YOU SHOULD STOP PROCREATING

goodgirlsgoruth: JESUS CHRIST JIM BOB GET A FUCKING VASECTAMY IF YOU TWO LOVE TO DO IT SO MUCH

goodgirlsgoruth: FOUR FUCKING TIMES

goodgirlsgoruth: COULD YOU IMAGINE HOW THAT FEELS

goodgirlsgoruth: HOW DOES YOUR UTERUS FALL OUT

wecouldbepilots: OHFALJLKAJ

wecouldbepilots: OFALKJKLAJ

goodgirlsgoruth: THAT IS JUST

goodgirlsgoruth: LIKE I CANT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT

wecouldbepilots: I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE

goodgirlsgoruth: LIKE IMAGINE PEEING OUT A FUCKING UTERUS

wecouldbepilots: NO FUCKING BABIES EVER.

wecouldbepilots: LIKE

goodgirlsgoruth: "I think I'll just go to the ladies room real quick. HOLY SHIT THAT IS MY UTERUS"

wecouldbepilots: LOL OOPS MY FUCKING UTERUS FELL OUT, CAN YOU PLEASE STUFF IT BACK IN THERE

goodgirlsgoruth: EWWW

goodgirlsgoruth: I JUST PICTURED

goodgirlsgoruth: MICHELLE DUGGAR

goodgirlsgoruth: POKING IT BACK IN

goodgirlsgoruth: LOLOLOLOL

goodgirlsgoruth: LOL

wecouldbepilots: EW

goodgirlsgoruth: ew "symptoms of uterine prolapse include:" (that's when it falls out

wecouldbepilots: I JUST PICTURED HER LIKE CHILLAXIN ALL COOL AT THE MALL AND HER UTERUS JUST FALLING THE FUCK OUT

goodgirlsgoruth: "painful sexual intercourse"

goodgirlsgoruth: WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX

goodgirlsgoruth: WHEN YOUR UTERUS IS LIKE RIGHT THERE

goodgirlsgoruth: BOYS LIKE TO FUCK A VAGINA, NOT SOME WEIRD VACUOLE TYPE THING

wecouldbepilots: EW EW EW EW

goodgirlsgoruth: EWWWWW

goodgirlsgoruth: IT'S SO FUCKING DISGUSTING

goodgirlsgoruth: AND THAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER

goodgirlsgoruth: FOUR TIMES

wecouldbepilots: IT CAN FALL OUT WHEN YOU'RE GIVING BIRTH TOO

goodgirlsgoruth: I BET SHE CAN PERFORM THE SURGERY TO FIX IT ALL BY HERSELF NOW

wecouldbepilots: I REMEMBER WATCHING AN EPISODE OF ER AND THIS WOMAN WAS GIVING BIRTH TO TWINS AND HER UTERUS FELL OUT

wecouldbepilots: AND SHE FUCKING BLED TO DEATH

wecouldbepilots: AND HER HUSBAND WAS LIKE "BUT ARE MY BABIES OKAY"

goodgirlsgoruth: YEAH BUT YOUR WIFES UTERUS CAME OUT

goodgirlsgoruth: that's like

goodgirlsgoruth: EUGH IT'S SUPPOSED TO STAY IN YOUR BODY

wecouldbepilots: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THERE

wecouldbepilots: INSIDE

goodgirlsgoruth: WOAH DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE BESIDES MULTIPLE CHILD BIRTHS CAN CAUSE YOUR UTERUS TO COME OUT???

wecouldbepilots: what

goodgirlsgoruth: OBESITY, CONSTANT CONSTIPATION (DOOCE!), CHRONIC BRONCHITIS

goodgirlsgoruth: so like

goodgirlsgoruth: if you're hella fat

goodgirlsgoruth: your uterus could fall out

wecouldbepilots: YOUR UTERUS WILL JUST FLOP ON OUTTA THERE

goodgirlsgoruth: i'd be like, oh just leave it out, i'd like to lose 5 pounds

goodgirlsgoruth: ROFLMAO

goodgirlsgoruth: LMAO

goodgirlsgoruth: LMAO

goodgirlsgoruth: LMAO

goodgirlsgoruth: LMAO

wecouldbepilots: OH MY GOD THAT'S JUST

wecouldbepilots: JUST IMAGINE HOW THAT FEELS.

goodgirlsgoruth: EW LIKE

goodgirlsgoruth: IT WOULD FEEL LIKE

goodgirlsgoruth: POOPING OUT YOUR VAGINA

goodgirlsgoruth: EWWW

wecouldbepilots: EW

wecouldbepilots: OH GOD

wecouldbepilots: EW

goodgirlsgoruth: i know

goodgirlsgoruth: it's disgusting

wecouldbepilots: oh i can't even imagine

You're a brave girl, and courage is something I'll need now.

Cause it's been a hell of a day I've spent fading away.

We all fade sometimes, I believe.

And it's a strange world as I watch the tables get turned around.

You've got the strength that I've lost.

Who would have thought you'd be carrying me?

I swim for brighter days, despite the absence of sun:

I often have the complete inability to write about things that are important to me, or things that are happening in my life. It's not that I don't want to, but I sit down at blogger and I open up a new post... and nothing comes. My head goes blank, or worse, fills with a bunch of feelings that I'd rather not pour onto paper. Or into this box. Or anywhere. I don't want to document things here that I wouldn't say out loud to the few people who dare read this thing. I don't want this thing to become more substantial than the people I love the most.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I keep this blog. I used to think - back when I was sixteen and so remarkably naive - that I would get internet famous off of this thing. I used to crave the comments on each post, even if it was only from one or two people. Attention, that's what it was. I craved it like an addict. But now, over two years later, this blog isn't for that anymore. This blog, although I do give several people the privilege of reading my thoughts, is mine. And mine only.

I made the decision a few years ago that I wanted to document my life, and while I regret my original reasons for doing so, I do believe it was the best decision I could have made at the time. As hard as it is to read a lot of those posts, I'm glad they're there. I'm glad I can document the last two years of my life like this.

And, for as long as it's healthy for me to do so, I want to continue to keep my thoughts here. I might have to change the link from time to time, but I want to keep this blog.

a thousand miles seems pretty far, but we've got planes and trains and cars:

More often than not, when I can't sleep at night, I go to Ruth's blog. The one she's kept as long as I've kept my own, since the summer of 2007. Sometimes, I skim over the most recent entries, but often I don't, I click the special tag that's about me. Normally, you would think that having a special tag dedicated to you in your best friend's blog would mean nothing but good things; something to make you feel honored.


wecouldbepilots: every few weeks/days/whenever i feel really far away from you, i go to your blog and i click the marena tag and i read every entry that was ever about me, especially the bad ones.
wecouldbepilots: and i cry.
goodgirlsgoruth: it sometimes amazes me how EXACTLY alike we are
goodgirlsgoruth: because i do the same thing to your blog

There's things in Ruth's blog that make me crack up laughing, things that make me smile, and things that make me bawl. Things like "you are the most unoriginal person I have ever met, full of lies and pleas and you are so ungrateful, every pretend 'I'm sorry,' that you mumble is worthless." or "I'm just upset, and once I get upset about you, everything else in my life seems to fall apart." Or things that make me miserable, such as: "I need to cut you out of my life completely. I hate that it has to be this way, and it's not your fault, and it's not my fault. It just is. I'm not finished crying about it, but one day, I will be.", "You are not the best friend you used to be. But who's to say I'm any better?", or "I expected you to understand me more than anybody else. For just this one thing. I overestimated my ability to revive a friendship better left broken."

These are the things I read on a regular basis, things that make me bawl and ache until I force myself to remember everything that she's ever said to me. Every negative thing I've ever directed towards her. Every mistake I've made in this friendship. As much as it hurts to remember these things, I know that I can never let myself forget. I will never, ever let myself get things back to the way they once were between us.

goodgirlsgoruth: you've got to remember something about blogs though. there's usually written in the heat of the moment, when we're fighting or i'm angry or depressed or WHATEVER is going on in my personal life, i use that to fuel whatever i'm writing about. i think most of the bad marena ones are from sophomore/junior year. but i think it's good that we have those blogs because it shows that yes, we have had some MAJOR KILLER fights. and we've gone months without talking. and we've said 'i hate you' to eachother. but you know what?
goodgirlsgoruth: we've also had months where we do nothing but talk to eachother every single day. five years later, after i moved away, we are STILL best friends even though everybody told us it wouldnt happen. we fought with each other until we didnt have anything else to say, but despite all of that you still told me 10 minutes ago that i'm your best friend. and i told you that you are mine.

If there's anything, anything at all, I want more to be true, it's that I don't ever want my friendship with Ruth to go back to the way it once was. I don't want to have to ache anymore wondering what I've done wrong. Because she's right, once I get upset about her, everything in my life starts to fall apart.


goodgirlsgoruth: it's really easy to fall into believing that you are a bad person when all you read is negative things about yourself. loving yourself is harder. but you have never, EVER in my life given me a reason to stop loving you. you continue to amaze me every day with your creativity and spontaneity and charisma. i've never kept a friend as long as i've kept you
goodgirlsgoruth: i think
goodgirlsgoruth: sometimes soul mates arent necessarily lovers
goodgirlsgoruth: but they are best friends
goodgirlsgoruth: you provide thoughts and ideas that i would never ever think of

You're Back To Your Old Ways - Carelessly Leaving Tracks:

As a good chunk of you may know, I recently lost a friend of mine, a really good friend of mine, over the concept of Christianity.

I don't go into my religious beliefs often on here, simply because in the past I never wanted to start a controversial topic on my blog that I was sure some of my friends - who belief otherwise - would get upset by it. But I'll be honest, I am not Christian. But at the same time, much to the belief of the friend I lost, I am not nothing. I do believe in a God, but I know it's not the one that is believed to have created the Earth, the people, Adam & Eve, etc. I believe in more of a universal pull, a spirit that exists in everyone, that God is different to each and every person. I'm not going to get into the specifics.

And while I disagree with my friend's beliefs, I have never once put down her beliefs, as she has done mine. I didn't belittle her for believing in what she does, and if it came off that way, I'm truly sorry.

The part that hurts the worst over the loss of this friendship is not only the fact that she cannot be accepting of my beliefs, but that she felt she had to get revenge on me. Which, I too am a vengeful person, but I believe that she took it a step too far when she emailed my mother. It really hurt, and got me very upset. And for days, I've been sitting here thinking about it. Several people have told me to get my revenge, and I could easily do that. With the amount of things she's told me over the five years of our friendship, getting my revenge would not be difficult. If I wanted to, I could hurt her in ways that she tried to hurt me with the email to my mother.

But really, is it worth it? The other day she asked a friend of mine why she had to be the better person in this, and from what I understand, my friend replied to tell her that it was because she is the only one who claims to be. And that's the truth. In the past, I have had no problems crushing people when they hurt me. And I've been thinking about it, about all of the things I could do, the things I could say. I have so many things on her, and a lot of them could hurt her. And I could do it, and I would probably feel bad for a little while, but I'd get over it. However, in a way, I think that's what she wants. She wants a war, she wants to fight.

It's my move in this twisted game we're playing.

And I quit.

But keep in mind, make another move against me, and I will do it. I will take you down with me.

that holds all your memories: a lifetime of crushes and your broken dreams:

For eighteen years of my life, I wanted nothing more than to get out of Hannibal. That pathetic excuse of a town, where for eighteen years I was unhappy. Miserable even. Friends were hard to come by, and when you got a friend you could just as easily lose them to another person. You went to school with the exact same people since you were kindergarten, give or take a few moves (one of which happened to be my best friend in the whole world, but that's another story).

A year ago, if you would have asked me to leave Hannibal, it wouldn't have taken me more than a few hours to have my life packed away and in a car, ready to follow wherever you wanted to lead me. A year ago, I wanted to skip my senior year altogether. I hated it in Hannibal, and I made that apparent to everyone around me.

A year ago, however, I would have never imagined the life that I'm living right now. A year ago, I sincerely believed I'd be going to a community college. Not for lack of smarts, but for lack of... trying? I'll be perfectly honest. I didn't pick up books in high school because I didn't care. I didn't study for tests or read assignments because it simply did. Not. Matter. Or at least, not to me.

I applied to Mizzou because I wanted it more than anything, but it was mostly a sick dream of mine. I didn't sincerely believe I would get in. Look at my straight-C average GPA. I didn't have what they wanted. Even with my 24 ACT score, I wasn't the girl they wanted. Not at all.

And every day, I would check the mail. And every day, I would wait for that letter that would tell me I wasn't going. Because they didn't want me. I wasn't good enough. I wouldn't make it into this college. Because, they didn't care how much I wanted it, or how much it meant to me. They cared about my grades, and my ACT score. And while my ACT score was good enough to get me in, my grades weren't. Not at all.

Then, just a day after I'd given up and turned in my application for the community college, the very day that I was packing up everything in my house to move to my new house, I walked in the door and saw a letter on the counter. From: University of Missouri - Columbia. To: Marena Kristine Niehoff. Office of Admissions.

And my heart stopped.

I wish I could say that I started jumping around the instant I saw the letter. That I was so estatic knowing I got in before I even opened the letter. But I wasn't. I remember looking at that letter and going "Oh, not today. Please, any day but TODAY." But before I could tuck that away, my Mom had snatched it off the counter and had ripped it open. I remember watching her every facial expression, just waiting for her to find the words to tell me that I didn't get it. But, instead. She grabbed me and hugged me. And informed me that, yeah, I did get in.

And for months, I was estatic. I packed and I bragged and I bought things for my dorm. I prepared myself for college, both physically and emotionally. I couldn't wait to leave. Had it counted down to the day that I'd be leaving. I couldn't wait. I would tell everyone that I only had so many weeks left in Hannibal. In that shithole of a town.

And then, in August, something clicked. I clung to my Mom, rarely wanting her out of my sight. I wanted to be with her as much as possible. And let's be honest. I got scared. Terrified. I wanted to stay in Hannibal, all of a sudden. I wanted to stay a little girl forever and never go away. And the closer it got to the moving day, the more scared I was. The more clingy. The more I needed home.

August 18th, 2009 was by far the hardest day of my life. It's a strange feeling seeing your life packed into the back of a truck. To drive away from your home, out of city limits and knowing you won't be back for a few weeks. And even then, you'll only be back long enough to blink. And while it was the hardest day of my life, it was also one of the best. Because all of my fears had to be faced, dead on. I had to leave my mom, and allow myself to be in this strange place, relatively alone.

And you know what? It wasn't bad. It was great, actually. It still is amazing. Every day is this incredible experience to me. I'm learning so much. For the first time in my life, I'm pushing myself to work. To learn. To study. To make friends. And you know what? I'm happy. I love it here. I love being here. I love the people that I surround myself with. Mizzou was, and continues to be, the best decision I ever made for myself. And while it was hard, I'm so immensely glad I did it. I did this for myself. And I'm going to be a better person for this.

And while, for eighteen years of my life, I couldn't wait to get out of Hannibal, there's a piece of my heart that's still there. And will always be there. Hannibal is where I grew up. It's where I went to school. Where I learned to walk, and talk, and fall in and out of love. It's where I experienced heartbreak, embarrassment, and death. It's where I met my best friend, where I had my first kiss. There's a piece of me that will always be there, with my memories. With my family.

Tomorrow, I go home for the first time since I left. And I can't begin to tell you how estatic I am for that. I can't wait to see my family. My house. And if there's anything I've learned more strongly in the last couple of weeks, it's that as hard as leaving is, it makes going home even bettter.

Somebody told me:

I’ve always been a dreamer, longing for worlds far away. The unexpected, the new. The exciting. I’ve always been the kid with the overactive imagination, always thinking up worlds that would be more exciting than the one that I live in. I always pretended to be someone else, because it was often easier than being myself. I’ve always been a kid who hates change. I’ve always wanted things to go my way, or not at all.

But baby, things have changed for me. I’m starting off a new life in a new place, and quite honestly, I’ve never been happier. I’ve never felt more academically driven, and I’ve never wanted to make something of myself quite as much as I do right now.

I love Mizzou with this passion that I can’t explain. Not to myself, not to my mom when she calls, and not to a blog. I love being here. Every day is a new experience, learning new things and making myself more at home here.

Things are wonderful, truly, honestly so.