Inspiration:

This is the fabulous Mr. Eggleston, or as I call him, Daddy E. He's been a significant part of my life for the last two years. He's my Key Club sponser, my counselor, the amazing guy that has the glorious tiger box in his office. I've lost count of the amount of times I've gone to him just to say hello, to cry, to bug the hell out of him.

Quite honestly, he's the only person I'll miss at HHS.

Oh, and he doesn't normally dress like that. He lost in a fundraiser and had to wear that.

I've been doing a lot of thinking these days:

These aren't really the words I would use to describe myself, but then again I really don't know what I would use, either. Personally, I'm not going to base my opinion of myself on a game where I can put down swiss cheese and get the emotional card, but it truly was loads of fun. So, I'm asking you to tell me five or six words that you think describe me, and then a few that you think describe you. Adjectives please so don't put like photography or anything. And then I'll post my words later and words that describe you. Ready, set, go.

last week i...

saw this in concert. i love the feeling i get when i go to concerts, absolutely wonderful. you can feel the beat running through your system. the vibrations of the speakers are more familiar than your heartbeat. there's pushing on you in every direction, and you confuse your breathing with that of the person next to you. it's painful, but so worth it.

rodeo time:

gaylor goes home (8:15:36 PM): my hoohaw needs to get fixed
folie a marena (8:16:15 PM): stop calling it a hoohaw
gaylor goes home (8:16:32 PM): wouuld you prefer VAGINA
gaylor goes home (8:16:37 PM): hoohaw sounds texan
folie a marena (8:16:52 PM): VAGINA
gaylor goes home (8:17:04 PM): YEEEHAW for HOOOHAW
folie a marena (8:19:58 PM): .....
folie a marena (8:20:01 PM): i
folie a marena (8:20:03 PM): 'm blogging this

"Marena, I love that you always have this intensely positive attitude, it makes working here so much easier."

Oh, if only you knew how makes this makes me want to cry. Not because I come off that way, but because I succeed in making people believe I'm actually positive. I'm not.

Not at all. I'm so fucking hopeless that it's not even funny.

I wish someone would break through this and make me feel better again

Look at this, it's a beautiful, sunny, perfect day and I'm sitting in doors simply because I have nowhere to go. Fabulous. I'm half tempted to pick up my camera, dart out the door and go take pictures of whatever I can find. Anything artistic, because I need to get these feelings out.

The last few weeks every moment that I've spent indoors and alone has been ripping me to shreads. Ever since I got back from my Mizzou visit, it's been impossible to sit in this bedroom and be comfortable. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be who I am right now. I want to go out, do my own thing, be the person I know I'm supposed to be. I want to be a journalist. I want to be able to be free.

I'm tired. Not like, the I need to go to sleep kind either. It's more like, I'm sick of the life I'm living right now. With it's twisted secrets and locked up feelings. That's not healthy for me, and the only people I trust enough to tell are the ones that I can't tell. I'm tired of the winter, locking me indoors when I'm longing to be able to lay outside and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.

I've been thinking a lot lately, because I have to start doing that. I have to start planning the next year of my life, and the rest of my life along with it. I'm so beyond ready to go to Mizzou. So ready.

I go to a concert on Thursday. I'm really excited, but there's a part of me that isn't. Simply because every time I hang out with Alexa and Jesi I feel ungodly guilty. Because some people don't like them, even though they've been nothing but good to me. Sometimes, they're the only people that can crack through the shell I put up around me and make me feel like myself again.

Madi and I have been fighting a lot lately, and I think with every fight I push her a little bit further from me. Simply because I'm not going to let it hurt anymore. I'm not going to let every fight rip me to shreds because I did that once before. I'm so fucking tired of pushing myself to be a good best friend, good person in general and just getting hurt.

Like, I'm always trying to say the right things, be the right person, stop thinking these negative thoughts. I try to push myself inside my head like Madi wants, push myself out socially like Alexa & Jesi want, trying to get good grades, you know, the usual. And it's not getting me anywhere. People still don't like me much. I'm looking forward to next year, with 30,000 people, SOMEONE has to like me.

I've been getting a lot closer to Tyler lately, and I honestly think that could be one of the worst things that could happen to me. I know the feelings that usually emerge whenever I let myself get close to him, and they're happening again. I'm scared, because I don't want those feelings anymore.

Sitting next to me are pictures from me and Ruth when we were thirteen, taken just days before she moved. Every part of me wishes I could go back to that time in my life, before I was quite so broken. If I could, I'd change a lot. I wouldn't be the same person, and I'd like that.

Who still reads my blog, anyway? I have no idea. If you do, could you like, comment and tell me that? I'm tired of writing to what seems like no one.

oh i love how you can tell

The last few days can pretty much be summed up with what I like to call "Jack's Mannequin weather". You know, the kind of weather that has you rolling down the windows of your car, cranking up the music and driving screaming at the top of your lungs JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN. It's the kind of weather where you can leave your hoodie at home, wear no socks, kick of your shoes when you get indoors.

For the longest time, I used to believe I loved winter. No, the truth is that I despise winter because I hate snow. I hate cold. I hate ice. I love winter, but only because it leads into spring.

Tonight after work I found myself driving to the playground, pulling up and swinging on the swings until I couldn't breathe anymore. It's the best feeling in the world. The only way I can get my thoughts to slow down.

I'm really excited about the next few months. I'm ready for my new life to begin in August too.

PS. i'm listening to ashlee simpson right now. not even ashamed either.