first day of my life:

you know, i didn't write much this summer. well, i did. just not really in the form of blogging. i didn't want to remember this summer. i didn't want to remember the crippling pain that overtook me every time i opened my eyes. i didn't want to remember the way that it hurt ten times worse when i kept them closed.

but now, looking back, i wish i'd documented. because now i'm desperate. grasping on to every last shred of those memories because hell, they were good ones. i miss them. long summer days spent on the playground. the nights that were ten times better. the ones where my three best friends would lay under the stars and talk. the only people who truly mattered to me.

it's killing me now, knowing that two of those people are away from me.

senior year is hell. i'm going to be honest there. and this last weekend, with my days spent in columbia. seeing where i will be living next year, where i'll be going to school both next year and then two years from now. it's made what should be the sweet taste of senior year about ten times more bitter. college is what i'm looking forward to. freedom. friends. maybemaybemaybe a lot of smiling.

sunday night was one of those nights that i don't want to forget. spending time with my best friends. not really doing anything except being with each other. playing tag. talking. having extremely inappropriate conversations about vampires (trust me you don't want to know!). it was one of those nights that was absolutely perfect.

sometimes (more like all the time, really) i think i'm two seperate people. or at least, the same person with two layers. there's the me that everyone sees. the shy, timid girl that worries about everything. and then there's the real me. the happy, outgoing girl that i love. the one that shines through when i'm around people who love and care about me.
i wish i knew how to show that girl to more people.

7 Hour Story:

D: Once upon a time there was a beautiful, magical princess
M: Who had an evil brother who always wanted to beat her up.
D: The only way she stayed safe was by paying him $131.50 every week so that he didn't beat her up
M: But she never had any money because her evil brother stole it so he could beat her up anyway.
D: One day, the princess came up with a GREAT plan!
M: She was going to beat her brother up and steal the throne.
D: The first thing she did was use her magical powers to change her hair color, so he would never recognize her.
M: And then she snuck into his bedroom.
D: He heard her coming, but she thought she was the hooker he hired...
M: She thought he was sleeping so she kept coming to attack him....
D: He rolled over, opening his eyes: it was now or never!
M: She got scared and tried to run away...
D: But he hit a switch that locked the door.
M: She begged for him to forgive her.
D: He thought a minute, then smiled an evil smile, then he KICKED! HER! ASS!
M: She cried. He was the worst brother ever.
D: Then she ran to tell mommy.
M: The queen was really mad at her brother because she loved the princess more, because the princess was really cute and the prince wasn't.
D: The queen couldn't decide: have the guards beat the prince, or have them kill the prince.
M: The princess loved her brother, so she told the queen to have them beat him down.
D: So the queen and the princess decided to escort the guards to the prince's quarters.
M: The princess laughed at the prince.
D: The prince called the princess a tattle-telling skankity slut-slut.
M: The princess had the guards beat up the prince.
D: Then the prince told the guards to beat up the princess.
M: The guards then got confused and beat up each other.
D: And then the prince and the princess laughed at the guards' stupidity.
M: The princess said she was sorry to her brother.
D: The prince laughed and said he kinda deserved it...
M: The princess asked if the could be friends again.
D: The prince thought that was a great idea! He missed his little sis.
M: The prince and the princess hugged.
D: Then the prince lightly punched the princess in the arm and smiled.
M: Then the princess punched the princess in the face.
D: And then they all lived happily ever after!

hope for the hopeless

these thick red lines that lace across my arm are nothing to be ashamed of.

instead, they're everything i'm proud of.

home for the weekend looking for a good time:

may nineteenth is slowly approaching and i'm less ready for the date than you could ever imagine. it's no longer simply 'the day my grandpa died', but it's also the first day i'll spend in high school without malissie, technically my first day as a senior, and the beginning of finals. great. that's just fabulous.

however, i'm starting to feel a lot better than i have in months. for the first time in far too long i'm starting to see the sunshine again. i'm doing things for me, not because anyone wants me to do anything. i'm spending time talking to the people that matter and pushing away the people who don't. unfortunately, my 'best friend' got cut out in this process. i'm sorry sara, but could you possibly have been any less of a friend to me these last few months?

summer is just around the corner, a week away and i can taste it. i can taste the late nights, the long walks with nowhere specific to be, the freedom, the stress free lifestyle. I can taste it and it's making this last week far too hard to handle. I'm looking forward to it though. the weight of stress will, or at least should, be lifted off me. hopefully i'll be able to breathe again.

things are getting better. they're still not perfect, they probably won't be because i don't heal that easily. but i'm seeing the sunshine again. i'm getting the necessary light and i'm smiling true genuine smiles. they may not live here, but i have these true friends that'll back me up when i need a good smile.

i'm thrilled about warped tour. i'm going to go by myself, of course, but somehow that's been a comforting thought. i'll get to hang out with maddi all day, and spend time with a girl who makes me happy far too often. plus, if plans work out, i'll spend august 1st through the 6th or 7th with her.

and haley of course, she's been sticking with me through far too much shit than i give her credit for. she's been the one i turn too when i'm bawling my eyes out, or even the one that i turn to when i'm moments away from making the final decision to take my own life, and i'm curled into a ball under my bed too weak to cry. i owe her my life, there's nothing i can say to make that sound even better in the slightest. things are just that simple, if it weren't those nights, i would have taken my own life months ago.

madi, my darling esme, has been such a good friend to me these last few weeks. i've known her for a year and she's that person i turn to when i have a problem with a story. she's the only one i know who won't think i'm the world's strangest person because i'm frustrated that my characters aren't yapping in my head. i owe her a lot. sanity, maybe. i don't know what i'd do without her.

alexa and malissie, you make me laugh so much. you have no idea.

but....

however...

i feel like i have to say something about sara.

you, my sara, my BEST friend, simply don't fit those words anymore. you used to be the person i would turn to whenever i was having a problem. you used to be able to help me fix things and then you would genuinely care about seeing me. i'm so fucking sick of putting the effort forward into a friendship that isn't going anywhere.

don't apologize, i hope you choke and die.

i'm feeling optimistic and happy for the first time in months, i think cutting her out of my life might just be for the best, and i'm sorry that i was forced to come to that conclusion. i'm sorry that a good majority of my friends are angry for me posting my feelings.

i speak my feelings.

like, for example. i don't give a fucking shit about your boyfriend. i don't care that you fucked him, or where you did it or even how it was. i don't care. if you need something from me, i'd be there, but you never do. i don't care that you hate your family because you can't see your boyfriend. i'm not going to be the replacement friend because you have a boyfriend who is working or out of town. i'm not going to be the person you turn to only when there's a problem, but could care less when i'm hurting. i'm not a convience friend.

if that's sucky for you, well, let's reconcider our friendship, shall we?

well, another thing, i didn't make journalism. oh well, i don't need a shitty high school newspaper to tell me that i'm a good writer. i know i am. i can handle the rejection. don't worry about me, hannibal high school.

this has been a rambling mess, and i'm not even sure how to tag it. but hell, its good to get that off my chest.

the fucking end jerks.

i'll get up in the morning:

so i've realized that it's probably not everyone else, its probably just me.

i'm so fucking antisocial that it's not even funny.

over the mountains:

it's getting difficult to breathe. the world is closing in again and i'm feeling helpless. i'm letting myself slip again. but this time is different. this time i'm not letting myself slip too far.

i'm so sorry, i'm so, so sorry.

i'm so so so so so sorry.

but it'd be lying to say that i don't ache the way the blade feels on my wrist right now.

something just crashed, help me.