home for the weekend looking for a good time:

may nineteenth is slowly approaching and i'm less ready for the date than you could ever imagine. it's no longer simply 'the day my grandpa died', but it's also the first day i'll spend in high school without malissie, technically my first day as a senior, and the beginning of finals. great. that's just fabulous.

however, i'm starting to feel a lot better than i have in months. for the first time in far too long i'm starting to see the sunshine again. i'm doing things for me, not because anyone wants me to do anything. i'm spending time talking to the people that matter and pushing away the people who don't. unfortunately, my 'best friend' got cut out in this process. i'm sorry sara, but could you possibly have been any less of a friend to me these last few months?

summer is just around the corner, a week away and i can taste it. i can taste the late nights, the long walks with nowhere specific to be, the freedom, the stress free lifestyle. I can taste it and it's making this last week far too hard to handle. I'm looking forward to it though. the weight of stress will, or at least should, be lifted off me. hopefully i'll be able to breathe again.

things are getting better. they're still not perfect, they probably won't be because i don't heal that easily. but i'm seeing the sunshine again. i'm getting the necessary light and i'm smiling true genuine smiles. they may not live here, but i have these true friends that'll back me up when i need a good smile.

i'm thrilled about warped tour. i'm going to go by myself, of course, but somehow that's been a comforting thought. i'll get to hang out with maddi all day, and spend time with a girl who makes me happy far too often. plus, if plans work out, i'll spend august 1st through the 6th or 7th with her.

and haley of course, she's been sticking with me through far too much shit than i give her credit for. she's been the one i turn too when i'm bawling my eyes out, or even the one that i turn to when i'm moments away from making the final decision to take my own life, and i'm curled into a ball under my bed too weak to cry. i owe her my life, there's nothing i can say to make that sound even better in the slightest. things are just that simple, if it weren't those nights, i would have taken my own life months ago.

madi, my darling esme, has been such a good friend to me these last few weeks. i've known her for a year and she's that person i turn to when i have a problem with a story. she's the only one i know who won't think i'm the world's strangest person because i'm frustrated that my characters aren't yapping in my head. i owe her a lot. sanity, maybe. i don't know what i'd do without her.

alexa and malissie, you make me laugh so much. you have no idea.

but....

however...

i feel like i have to say something about sara.

you, my sara, my BEST friend, simply don't fit those words anymore. you used to be the person i would turn to whenever i was having a problem. you used to be able to help me fix things and then you would genuinely care about seeing me. i'm so fucking sick of putting the effort forward into a friendship that isn't going anywhere.

don't apologize, i hope you choke and die.

i'm feeling optimistic and happy for the first time in months, i think cutting her out of my life might just be for the best, and i'm sorry that i was forced to come to that conclusion. i'm sorry that a good majority of my friends are angry for me posting my feelings.

i speak my feelings.

like, for example. i don't give a fucking shit about your boyfriend. i don't care that you fucked him, or where you did it or even how it was. i don't care. if you need something from me, i'd be there, but you never do. i don't care that you hate your family because you can't see your boyfriend. i'm not going to be the replacement friend because you have a boyfriend who is working or out of town. i'm not going to be the person you turn to only when there's a problem, but could care less when i'm hurting. i'm not a convience friend.

if that's sucky for you, well, let's reconcider our friendship, shall we?

well, another thing, i didn't make journalism. oh well, i don't need a shitty high school newspaper to tell me that i'm a good writer. i know i am. i can handle the rejection. don't worry about me, hannibal high school.

this has been a rambling mess, and i'm not even sure how to tag it. but hell, its good to get that off my chest.

the fucking end jerks.

i'll get up in the morning:

so i've realized that it's probably not everyone else, its probably just me.

i'm so fucking antisocial that it's not even funny.

over the mountains:

it's getting difficult to breathe. the world is closing in again and i'm feeling helpless. i'm letting myself slip again. but this time is different. this time i'm not letting myself slip too far.

i'm so sorry, i'm so, so sorry.

i'm so so so so so sorry.

but it'd be lying to say that i don't ache the way the blade feels on my wrist right now.

something just crashed, help me.

apparently alice cullen is hungry:

the sea shores (5:40:56 PM): VAMPIRES HAVE IT GOOD
the sea shores (5:41:01 PM): THEY CAN'T GET SICK.
marena de cheval (5:41:05 PM): then what are you?!
the sea shores (5:43:24 PM): : i was speaking as a human tbqh
marena de cheval (5:44:30 PM): ....
marena de cheval (5:44:34 PM): is there something you're not telling me?
marena de cheval (5:44:35 PM): alice?
marena de cheval (5:44:39 PM): if that is your real name.
the sea shores (5:44:56 PM): *slaps you*
the sea shores (5:45:03 PM): YES THAT IS MY REAL NAME.
the sea shores (5:45:12 PM): GO BACK TO FALLING OVER.
marena de cheval (5:45:23 PM): I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP IN FALLING OVER.
the sea shores (5:46:07 PM): I SEE A FALL IN YOUR FUTURE
marena de cheval (5:46:24 PM): NO, YOU DO NOT.
the sea shores (5:47:11 PM): DONT QUESTION MY POWERS.
marena de cheval (5:47:48 PM): YOUR POWERS ARE SLIPPING, YOU DIDN'T SEE THE VAMPIRE COME INTO MY BEDROOM!
the sea shores (5:48:08 PM): I WASN'T FOCUSING ON THAT BELLA
the sea shores (5:48:18 PM): JESUS YOU'RE DIFFICULT TODAY.
marena de cheval (5:48:32 PM): AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING OUT FOR MY SAFETY
the sea shores (5:48:54 PM): THERE ISNT DANGER RIGHT NOW
marena de cheval (5:49:04 PM): FALLING.
the sea shores (5:49:16 PM): THAT'S AVERAGE DANGER.
marena de cheval (5:49:26 PM): EDWARD WILL NOT BE PLEASED.
the sea shores (5:51:04 PM): YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT DESPITE MY HEIGHT, I CAN KICK HIS ASS.
marena de cheval (5:53:14 PM): PSH, YEAH RIGHT.
the sea shores (5:53:27 PM): PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.
the sea shores (5:53:28 PM): FINE.
the sea shores (5:53:50 PM): WHEN EDWARD AND CARLISLE TELL YOU THAT THEY'RE NOT GOING TO TURN YOU INTO A VAMPIRE, YOU CAN'T COME TO ME.
the sea shores (5:53:53 PM): :
the sea shores (5:53:57 PM): HOW ABOUT
the sea shores (5:53:59 PM): THEM
the sea shores (5:54:01 PM): APPLES?
marena de cheval (5:54:16 PM): edward wouldn't do that to me.
the sea shores (5:54:41 PM): Or so you think.
marena de cheval (5:54:45 PM): what do you see.
the sea shores (5:55:02 PM): I'm not telling.
the sea shores (5:55:05 PM): You're being mean.
the sea shores (5:55:08 PM): And I'm hungry.
marena de cheval (5:55:17 PM): hungry?
the sea shores (5:55:26 PM): HUNGRY
marena de cheval (5:55:35 PM): what color are your eyes?!
the sea shores (5:55:50 PM): NOT ~*~*TOPAZ*~**~
marena de cheval (5:56:05 PM): yeah well i'm still safe!
the sea shores (5:57:22 PM): FOR NOW.

my balance issues are ruining me:

marena de cheval: well, its time for me to go jump off a cliff!
the sea shores: nonononono
marena de cheval: lmao yes
marena de cheval: i'm all in to extreme sports these days
the sea shores: HAHAHHAHAH
marena de cheval: but srsly, i always said if pete wentz got married and started to reproduce, i was going to jump off a cliff.
the sea shores: NO
the sea shores: DON'T JUMP OFF A CLIFF
marena de cheval: you can come too!
the sea shores: I NEED SOMEONE TO SQUEEL OVER RPATTZ WITH
the sea shores: NONONO
the sea shores: I WANT TO LIIVEEEEEE.
the sea shores: oh wait
the sea shores: i'm immortal
the sea shores: WELL I STILL WANT TO LIIIIVEEEEEEEEEe
marena de cheval: wanna jump off a cliff with me?
the sea shores: no.
the sea shores: :
the sea shores: BE REASONABLE, BELLA*~*~*~
marena de cheval: okay, if you insist i'll keep both feet on the ground!
marena de cheval: but, knowing me it might be safer to say "i won't jump off a cliff."
marena de cheval: because you know about my balance issues.

"jasper is touching edward again!":

Tonight was fun and healthy in ways that my friendships haven't been lately. tonight was proof that friendships don't have to be a huge effort. malissie and brandi are proof of how amazing friends can be. malissie has been there since my freshman year, maybe in different forms, but lately she's proved herself to be more of just a friend. she's becoming my best friend and i'm thrilled. brandi i haven't really talked to since freshman year, but today we reconnected.

it was nice to be able to call someone and say "hey! wanna hang out" and them say yes. it was nice for them to be happy to see me. for us to gossip about twilight and playing wii and just hanging out. it was nice.

i hope i can do it again soon. because maybe it'll give me the strenth to smile. and more importantly, it'll give me the strength to push away the people that are hurting me. and there's more than one.