nerves

i have a job interview in 36 minutes and i feel incredibly nervous.

wish me luck?

three months

the day he died was the morning after honda civic. i remember i had just gotten to my dad's when my mom called. i answered the phone and she immediately asked for my dad. this was unusual, but i thought nothing of it. but when my dad rushed into the kitchen telling me to get up and get my stuff together because i was going to my grandma's, i knew something was up but my dad wouldn't tell me what.

the car ride took only 3 minutes, but the whole time i stayed silent and tried to think of what could possibly be wrong. my grandma sick? royce sick? cows out and needing my help? nothing could have possibly prepared me for what my mother had to say the instant i got out of the car. when she told me, it was an overwhelming feeling of disbelief as i took off running towards the garage. surely, he's not dead and this is just a joke. a cruel, cruel joke and he's going to pop out from behind something to scare me. i managed to break away from my mom and dad, probably the first time they've ever hugged me at the same time ever, and i run inside the house, freezing at the sight of my grandma on the couch in tears. and my only thoughts were it's true, it's true. and what the hell am i going to do now?

what happened after that is a blur to me. a series of tears and hugs and running to the corners of the house just to get away. my father having the nerve to tell me that it was selfish to cry. that i needed to be strong. the way i immediately got up and got my cousins and went for a walk down parker lane, which proved to be a bad idea considering the countless times i've gone for a walk with him there. i stayed the night at the house that night, but went home the next day.

the visitation is a blur too, nothing but being pushed towards the casket and it finally hitting me that he was dead as i saw his pale, cold body laying there. it brought a sea of fresh tears and it had me running to the end of the funeral home. just to get away from it. just to breathe.

his funeral was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. i remember the glares from family members as i took my seat, a personal invitation to sit between my grandma and great-grandma, being able to hold their hands and help them through this. the way i didn't care when i got yelled at for getting in the limo with my great-grandma. the way i needed to be near her and she needed me. watching his casket being lowered into the ground. going inside the church for my first meal in over a week.

it's been three months since my great-grandpa died, and i'd like to think that i'm starting to get over it, but i know i'm not. and i know that my family hasn't bounced back yet. i know by the way we get choked up when we hear some songs, by the way we'll avoid the garage completely unless we have to get food for the cows. the way my mom and i feel like crying every time we talk about the cows being gone. i know we're not over it and we probably won't be for a long, long time.

but that's okay. my grandpa and i were very, very close and you don't just get over that. i don't think anyone expects me to. he encouraged me, praised everything i did, he taught me, and god, he raised me. i spent more time at his house than i did at home. in fact, i remember that the good majority of my kindergarten days were spent with him leading me by the hand into the classroom. i miss that. i wish i could go back to those days and stay in his arms for just a little longer.

a lot of the memories i have of growing up involved him. he taught me how to ride a bike, taught me how to take care of animals, helped me become the person i am today. but now, my mother asked me to give her my favorite memory, and i had trouble coming up with one.

he gave me morals and i hope to god that i'm making him proud. i'm trying my best to keep myself together and not get caught up in the things he raised me to say no to. if my mother can't keep me from it, at least knowing that he wouldn't want me to will.

i promise i'm going to make him proud. i need to remember all of the good times i had with him and keep them close to heart. i need to remember the last words between us, him wishing me to rock out at honda civic tour, a hug and a kiss, and exchanged "i love you"s.

i need that to keep me sane.

honestly

you've got some nerve telling me what to say in this. it's my blogspot. my thoughts, my words, my feelings. don't you dare say that i need to take something out because it hurts your feelings.

oh please, like you've never hurt mine.

to you:

you know, really, it's just school, and it feels like i'm going to lose you forever. i've gotten way too attached to the fact that i can get ahold of you any time of the day, everyday. and maybe that's not healthy, but it's just how i am. i'm sorry that i'm clingy, i'm sorry that you have to worry about me, i'm sorry. But I'll be okay. Eventually, I'll be okay.

But it's also pretty cool that i might get to meet you in a couple weeks. Please, please let that happen for me. Please please please. I'm praying because I really need this. I need to meet you and see you and let you hug me in person because that would be amazing. please please please.

this is why we shouldn't watch the news at lunch:

"When I was younger, my polly pockets didn't have magnets. Their clothes were just made out of rubber and you were screwed if you ripped it."

"When I was younger, my dolls' clothes were made out of cloth. It didn't really rip."

"When I was younger, my dolls' were made out of paper!"

"Well screw you all. When I was younger I didn't have dolls!"

feeling special

"When was the last time I looked this cute?"

"Yesterday"

why we love each other.

haylie carden (10:02:58 PM): =] AND MIKE BEAR.
haley becks (10:03:14 PM): AND WILLIAM!
haley becks (10:03:19 PM): CAN BE REUNITEDDDDDDDDDDD
haylie carden (10:03:13 PM): AND LIKE YEAH.
haley becks (10:03:25 PM): AND IT'LL FEEL SO GOOOOOD
haylie carden (10:03:35 PM): ...they're not gonna fuck, haley.