your typical missouri family

After Tyler Burps:

"TYLER. WHAT DO YOU SAY"

"Uhh."

"Niiiice One."

"Well, Better out the front than out the back."

nicole and i need to go back to school now.

kept past demons (9:31:06 PM): my feetsies are coolddd.
began to burn (9:32:44 PM): mine aren't
kept past demons (9:33:14 PM): my feet are like popsicles!
began to burn (9:34:00 PM): YUM
began to burn (9:34:01 PM): flavored?
kept past demons (9:33:25 PM): feet flavored.
began to burn (9:34:18 PM): ew
kept past demons (9:33:55 PM): sorry, but what flavor would you like my feet to be?
began to burn (9:35:01 PM): banana
kept past demons (9:34:28 PM): i'll get right on that.
began to burn (9:35:32 PM): yay
began to burn (9:37:26 PM): my toes hurt
kept past demons (9:36:54 PM): my toes are COLD.
began to burn (9:37:51 PM): PUT ON SOME SOCKS
kept past demons (9:37:20 PM): like i know i'm being overdramatic about them
kept past demons (9:37:23 PM): but OH MY GOD so cold!
began to burn (9:38:15 PM): hahaha
kept past demons (9:38:09 PM): my parents enjoy making me wear hoodies in the summer, i swear
began to burn (9:39:04 PM): lmao
kept past demons (9:42:19 PM): that's sad.
kept past demons (9:42:33 PM): ...i think one of my feet just fell off.
began to burn (9:43:27 PM): FROSSTTTBITTTEEE
kept past demons (9:43:03 PM): yeah. my foot just just laying on the floor.
began to burn (9:43:53 PM): just just
kept past demons (9:43:22 PM): yes. i'm trying to prove my point!
began to burn (9:44:12 PM): and what point is that?
kept past demons (9:43:38 PM): THAT MY FEET ARE COLD
kept past demons (9:43:44 PM): HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING NO ATTENTION AT ALL
began to burn (9:44:28 PM): PUT SOME SOCKS ON DUMB FUCK
kept past demons (9:43:53 PM): I DON'T WANNA GET UP.
began to burn (9:44:54 PM): use your cat
kept past demons (9:44:40 PM): ...why is it that the first thing that comes to mind when you say 'use your cat' is 'moooo.'?
began to burn (9:45:35 PM): because you didn't learn the right animal sounds in kindergarden
kept past demons (9:45:07 PM): righttt.
kept past demons (9:45:27 PM): just like cows bark and dogs oink. :]
began to burn (9:46:40 PM): no they don't!
kept past demons (9:46:22 PM): they don'tttt?
began to burn (9:47:12 PM): no!
kept past demons (9:46:46 PM): what sounds do they make then, smarty pants?
began to burn (9:47:48 PM): dogs bark and cows quack
began to burn (9:47:51 PM): FUCK
began to burn (9:47:53 PM): COWS MOO
kept past demons (9:47:20 PM): ROFL.
began to burn (9:48:04 PM): i hate my life.
kept past demons (9:47:28 PM): i love you too.
began to burn (9:48:17 PM): thank you
began to burn (9:48:26 PM): i'm hungry
kept past demons (9:48:21 PM): use my cat!
began to burn (9:49:17 PM): i'm not going to eat your cat
began to burn (9:49:29 PM): and don't reuse my advice, either!!!
kept past demons (9:48:57 PM): use my feet!
began to burn (9:50:01 PM): ...
began to burn (9:50:05 PM): i thought they fell off
kept past demons (9:50:33 PM): ...righttt.
began to burn (9:51:45 PM): my feet hurt now
kept past demons (9:51:18 PM): mine are COLD.

you're my everything.

baby. i love you, i need you. god this made me bawl and i don't even know what to say. i've never felt so loved, so appreciated, so needed.

i know you're always a phone call away. and i know that sometimes i'll get mad because you don't answer. i know i get jealous when you're around your friends. but that's only because i can't truely be with you.

one day that will change, i swear to it. one day i'll be able to hug you in person and you'll know how to keep me happy. one day i'll come to you and i won't be able to go back home.

i know that your house will be a good place for me. and i know that next summer i'll be there. something just tells me that i will. something.

god made us friends for a reason, i truly believe that. i've never believed anything so much. i've never needed anyone so much. i've never felt this close to anyone.

you're special, haley bedford, i hope you know that. i hope you know that you mean the world to me. i wouldn't have gotten through a lot of the things that have been shoved on me this last year if it wasn't for you.

we're connected. we're connected through those bands that we wear on our wrists, clear through the names to the love in our hearts. i know that that sounds cheesy, but its true.

i've never been truly mad at you. sure, you'll make me mad sometimes. but i can't stay mad at you, i need you and i can't stand not being able to talk to you. we can't fight. its not in our blood.

god i love you. i can't say that enough. you're my best friend and you always will be. i don't care what anyone else says.

you know how to calm me down, how to make me smile. the smallest thing you do can fix everything.

i don't keep anything from you. i can't keep anything from you. even if i try, i feel so bad and i have to tell you. i've never been so honest with anyone, ever.

god, i know how you feel about this word thing. even everything i've said isn't enough to let you know what an impact you've made in my life.

i love you. i've never said any truer words.

you look like the songs i've heard my whole life coming true

i love the soft nights. the quiet time where every noise is mine, mine to control and enjoy. the hum of my laptop, the tapping of keys, the soft music. everything. everything that makes me feel so at peace. i'm really going to miss this when i have to go back to school. i'm going to miss talking to haley at two in the morning. at three. at four. at any time of the day i ever want. i'm going to miss hanging out with sara and alexa as much as i do.

and yet, i'm completely excited for school to start. because i know that this year is going to be better. it has to be better. plus the rewards of this year will be amazing. all i have to do is get my grades up and a visit to haley is in the works. i promise i'll make this happen. i want this more than anything i've ever wanted before. more than nicole moving back to hannibal, more than mike carden pledging his undying love more me. what i want is to see haley in person, to be able to hug her and tell her how much she means to me.

this year is going to save me. i'm excited to go back to school and be surrounded everyday by these people that love and care about me. i need that. i need to see them again and be with those hugs. even as much as i see sara and alexa, its truely never enough. i've let them slip into my life and now they mean more to me than i could have ever imagined.

so this year: i will stop being so overemotional. i won't be overdramatic. i'll cut out everyone that isn't healthy for me to be around. i'll get away from everyone who has ever hurt me. i'll do my homework and get good grades. i'll do these things because i fear what could happen if i don't.

to the people who treat me like trash: get out.
to the people i hug: keep me close to you.
to the people i cry to: you are trusted.
to those people i call baby: you are loved.
to those people i say 'i love you' to: i mean it.
to the people i remind often: you are needed.
to the people who can say it back: thank you.
to the people that mean it: stay in my life forever.
to the one person who can make me smile always: stay close to me always. never leave me and always be there for me.

i'll do the same for you.

to my true best friend:

you are the person that means the world to me. the person that can pull me through everything. your voice makes me smile, even when i feel like the world is crushing me in. you're the most amazing person i know, full of smiles and virtual hugs. you never upset me. you're 767 miles away from me, but sometimes it feels like you're in my room. you're the person i cry to when i can't deal. you're the person who never yells at me for being overemotional or overdramatic. i met you over the internet, but yet i know you better than anyone. i can be a total bitch to you and you're still loving and caring. you don't care that i'm totally annoying sometimes. you make me feel special and you know who i really am. and even though i am whiney, you still love me. i'm enough to you. i can never do anything to make you hate me and trust me, that's the greatest feeling in the world.

next summer is going to be amazing, i just know it.

never saying goodbye

a few days ago i posted a blog regarding my kitten, Santi. It's hard for me to believe that i'll probably never see her again. She's been missing since tuesday, the day i posted that bulletin.

to be completely honest, it's ripping me apart. every word of comfort i'm given isn't enough to make the pain go away.

i knew i should have brought her home. i didn't protect her, and now she's probably dead and it's all my fault.

please don't make me cry

When I was younger I went to Oakwood Elementary, but my third grade year I had to go to Central school one day a week for the gifted program. I despised the program, the teacher, the school, any part of it that wasn't familiar to me. I didn't know anyone there, and I was incredibly shy and afraid to ask questions or introduce myself.

I don't remember much of that year, except for that on the playground there was this huge map of the US. I can remember standing on Missouri, closing my eyes and spinning around in circles until I was dizzy. Then I'd take a step as far as I could go, and that would be where I would want to live.

9 times out of 10, it was Chicago.

I've never been to Chicago, but some part of me has always known that that's where I'm going to end up.

I hope I'm right. Right now I'd give anything to get out of this town.