Books:

I've decided to revive this old blog, mainly for book reviewing purposes. Hopefully I can read enough in the next few weeks to get this up and going.

Book Talk: The Infernal Devices Series by Cassandra Clare

Review to come.

Book Talk: Pandemonium by Lauren Oliver

*This post contains spoilers. If you intend on reading either Delirium or Pandemonium, please quit reading now* 

Delirium by Lauren Oliver was the first book I read in 2011 (I think) and was also the first book that I ever read that was set in Dystopian setting. And needless to say, I loved it. Delirium pulled me up and down and screwed with my heart in a wonderful way that made me both happy and sad even when I finished the book. Like, I am not kidding. I bawled for a week over what happened at the end of Delirium, and I bitched about it for the year that followed. It was kind of pathetic, really. 

So, yesterday the day comes that the second book in this wonderful trilogy comes out. And so I rushed to Barnes & Noble to secure my copy. Only to find that Barnes & Noble didn't have any copies. Nor did Target or Walmart or the Mizzou Bookstore. Go figure. Despite upgrading to a town that actually has a bookstore, I still find myself in the same place as I did when I lived in Hannibal. Anyway. This book is called Pandemonium and it's by Lauren Oliver.

Pande-break-my-heart more like. Fuck.

I waited for a year for this book to come out. I read Delirium mid-February last year, and every day since then I've been ecstatic about this book coming out. Except for yesterday. When I finally got my hands on it (a free copy from a file sharing website, but I'll be sure to pay for the book whenever Barnes & Noble decides to GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER), I was terrified. What if the things that I've been hoping for with this book turn out to not be true? What if - the worst possible thing - Alex is REALLY, REALLY dead?

But regardless, I devoured this book in a little over four hours. The book is darker than Delirium, and lacks the hopeful, light feel of it. Pandemonium is set in two time periods, with alternating chapters saying "then" and "now". And as much as I loved feeling like I was reading two books at once, it made the book utterly impossible to put down since almost every chapter ended on a cliff-hanger.

In the "then" chapters, we pick up shortly after we left off in Delirium with Lena grieving over the death of Alex and being "reborn" into the Wilds. She's quickly found by a group of Invalids - Raven, Hunter, Tack, Sarah, Blue, Lu, etc. - who bring her into the family and after awhile, force her into living again. The main action of the "then" section doesn't happen until it's nearly winter and they're packing up to leave their homestead. The homestead is bombed and they're forced to leave without being entirely prepared - thus losing Blue and Miyako in the process of moving to their new home. I enjoyed this section of the book, but my real love of the book comes from the "now" chapters, which are much more exciting.

It's not clear how long has passed between the "then" and "now" chapters. I'm thinking only a matter of months, but it's not clear either way. But Lena is now living as a "cured" in New York City and is a spy for the revolution. She attends meetings of the DFA - Deliria-Free America - and attends a rally with Raven and Tack. She's given instructions to follow Julian Foreman - the president of DFA's son - at all costs. So when the Scavengers - Invalids who don't stand for love - attack and Julian is taken, she's taken as well and locked in an underground cell with Julian.

She spends awhile (a couple days? hours? it wasn't clear) in the cell with Julian getting to know him/ falling in love with him/ hating him until the Scavengers end up taking Julian and beating him in an attempt to get him to talk. Lena comes up with a plan to escape and they act on it, eventually leading them through the tunnels and to a homestead with Julian, where they are eventually caught. Julian is taken into custody by the real police, while Lena is taken by the freedom fighters and she learns that the whole thing was a set-up. Oh, and that the "police officer" that she was captured by is her mother - except she doesn't learn that until after she's gone, of course.

So Lena leaves the rebels and goes back into the city in an attempt to save Julian from his execution. Which includes her breaking into Thomas Foreman's house and discovering his secret library - which gives her the book that lets her know about her mother - and breaking into the lab where Julian is scheduled to die. At the last moment, Raven and the other rebels break in as well and kill Thomas Foreman and the regulators, thus saving Julian's life. Raven, Tack, Lena, and Julian are taken back to the homestead, where Lena admits to Julian that she loves him and promises to be with him forever.

The book ends on a cliffhanger (!!!!) as a boy who has just escaped from the Portland prison comes into the room, and turns out to be (of course) Alex (!!!! ALEX!!! YOU'RE ALIVE!!!) who Lena describes as appearing "hardened". His tone while he says "Don't believe her" is confusing. I wasn't sure if he was 1. angry at Lena for leaving him or 2. angry/jealous of Lena and Julian. Either way. I was thrilled. Because ALEX. Alex is my #1 book crush.

So overall, I give this book 5 out of 5 stars. And I can't wait until Requiem, which comes out in February 2013 (WHY? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?) to find out what happens to Lena, Julian, and Alex in our typical young-adult love triangle relationship.

And in case it isn't totally obvious, I'm Team Alex.

an open letter to the sixteen year old me:

Below is a post from when I was sixteen years old with comments from me at twenty:

i'm not the type of girl that would be considered 'beautiful'. (You're very beautiful. You have an amazing smile and pretty eyes. And your laugh can transform a room. I know, because now I can see that) i'm not the girl that can crawl into bed and fall asleep. (Well, you never really tried that hard. Wait until you're in college while working thirty hours a week. Then we'll talk about sleeping.) i'm not the ditzy girl my father thinks i am. (One day, you won't care what your "father" thinks of you. You'll realize that you have a Dad, and you don't have to visit him every other weekend, either.) i'm not the straight a student that my mother wishes from me. (No, and you likely never will be. But you're capable of it. And so much more.) i'm not a good best friend. (Yes, you are. It's not your fault that your high school friends didn't appreciate the person that you were/are. You'll get better friends in college who make you feel valuable. Just remember that.) i have trouble listening. (It's possible that you're never going to get over that one, sorry. I've been trying, I swear.) i get distracted too easily. (Yeah, that'll never change either.) i walk into doors and walls too much. (Or this.) i obsess over bands and hold them close to heart. (I'm sure you'll never believe this but there's going to be a time in your life when you realize your parents were right. New music sucks. And the music you once loved won't be as important. And I'm going to save you a lot of heartache, sixteen year old me, and just tell you that Fall Out Boy goes on hiatus, The Academy Is... breaks up, Ryan Ross leaves Panic! at the Disco, and Cobra Starship really started to blow around their third album) i watch too much tv and spend too much time online. (Yeah. And you haven't met Gossip Girl or Netflix yet. Or wireless internet. I'm so sorry.) i'm terrible at spanish but decent in html. (You only get better at html. I can't say the same for Spanish. Or French. Or Latin. You know, we really suck at languages) i have trouble getting my mind to shut up. (I'm sorry about that. It's not getting any better.) i'm not the poster child for perfect skin. (I'd like to tell you that it clears up, but I have a mountain on my cheek right now. I'm so sorry) i'm not sporty like my brother. (Meh. Maybe you'll never be a baseball player or love soccer, but you're getting to be really good at Just Dance 2 for Wii.) i'm not girly like my cousins. (I know this sounds crazy. But one day - around the time when you're twenty - you'll have more "girly" clothes than band shirts. I know. I know. But you'll realize that frumpy tees don't do your body much justice. Just you wait.) i don't do drugs. (And you still don't) i don't smoke (Still don't do that either. And you won't. EVER.), i don't drink (Okay. So. I hate to break it to you, sixteen year old me, but drinking is kind of awesome. We're a really fun drunk). i'm not pretty and popular. (You're actually really pretty. And one day you'll look back at high school and realize that it didn't. fucking. matter.) i hate shopping. (You'll probably never like clothes shopping. But one day you'll find the wonder of having a Barnes and Noble a mere five miles from your house. And that, my dear self, is when you'll come to love shopping. You'll also meet a girl named Cara Bigelow who will take you into a makeup store for an hour. Don't question it, because she'll turn out to be your best friend.) i'm stubborn and selfish. (Not really.) i never listen. (Shut your mouth and stop talking back to your mother. You'll miss her like crazy one day.) i make mistakes too much. (You'll come to realize that your mistakes are probably the best stories you have to tell.) my grammar is bad and so is my spelling. (And ironically, you became an English major. That's really funny.) i'm immature. (At sixteen, yeah. And that's okay. You're much better at twenty. Except for the My Little Pony thing.) i have trouble making goals and even more trouble sticking to them. (Not always true.) 

about things:

Gah, I suck.

I keep meaning to write in this thing. I keep meaning to act like it matters and record the thoughts that flow through my head. Because I have them. And they have meaning and worth and I need to record them.

I never did a post on 2011 because it was too hard to remember the year. Most of the year I had was spent with this dark, horrible cloud of grieving over my head. I'm only just now beginning to see the light again. I'm nowhere near done missing my grandma (the truth is, I'll never be), nor am I done being depressed. This thing is a cycle for me. I'm never going to be completely better, but in the same sense, I'll never be completely broken again, either.

conversions with a best friend:

infiniteeee: omg wtf it's midnight
infiniteeee: i have to go to bed
youretheglacier: =(
infiniteeee: as effie trinket would say, i have a big big day tomorrow!
infiniteeee: ...anyway
infiniteeee: g'night
youretheglacier: ELIZABETHBANKS
infiniteeee: y'all.
infiniteeee: can i start talking like a texan now
infiniteeee: y'all.
youretheglacier: ohh honey you dont even know
infiniteeee: Y'ALL GO DOWN TO BED NOW Y'HERE?
youretheglacier: and when you say that in texas, we just shoot you
infiniteeee: goodnight woof.
youretheglacier: also it's *hear you ignorant midwestern
youretheglacier: BYE

our hearts are heavy:

One day, I might forget what your laugh sounded like. Or the way you smiled. Or the sound of your voice. I might forget what it felt like to have you hold me or the irritation I always felt when you wouldn't let me off the phone. I, someday, may not remember the panic that used to set in from a middle of the night phone call, or the dread that would settle in my stomach each time we'd have to call an ambulance to pull you out from a reaction. But Mamaw, I will never forget you.

You would have been sixty-five years old today. Last year, Mom and I celebrated by coming to your house with presents. This year we celebrated by taking flowers to your grave. It's funny how things could change in an instant, isn't it? You used to always tell me to be sure I told people that I loved them, because they could go at any time. I never thought you would prove me right. But the last things I told you were that I love you, and the last thing you told me was that you loved me the mostest.

You also used to tell me about how you hated that people didn't come visit you, even though I did. And Cede did. And Bretta, Royce, my mom, my uncle. You used to tell me that one day we'd come in and find you dead. Quite the opposite, really. You died surrounded by family that loved you. You died when I was there. And I'm both happy and sad that I was there with you, because I know that you would have wanted me there.

You were right about so many things, and I realize that now. Even if it took losing you to understand it. You taught me so much, and you were always there to hold my hand or help me through any tough time. I hope that I helped through yours, too. I hope that, whatever happens after death and wherever you are, you know that I love you. The mostest.

it's been a rough year

but can you think of anything more beautiful?

a person's a person, no matter how small:

Here's the thing. I've never really looked at myself in the mirror and thought "Wow, look how beautiful I am". I've never been that type of girl. I'm the girl with the self-conscious prick that lives inside her head, the one that is consistently nagging and reminding that I am not good enough. I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough. When writing, I refer to this little creature as my "Inner Editor". That dreadful thing that nitpicks everything I put into words. Well, reality is that the damn thing is around much more than I'd like.

But then there's days like the last couple, where I've looked in the mirror and thought about the good things about me. My bright blue eyes. My pale skin. The stray freckles that have crept onto my face. My smile. Things like that that make me tilt my head up, walk with a little more dignity, and tell my Inner Editor to go fuck itself.

Because I am good enough. I am smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough. And fuck anyone who tells me otherwise.

and to be completely honest, you're not like all the rest.

In the last eight years of my life, I've had my ups and downs with depression, and this blog is a testament to exactly that. It's seen me at my worsts, and at my bests. I started this blog in July 2007 - it's been almost four years to the date! - as a way to cope with the loss of my grandfather and my crippling depression. I've gone through stages since then with this blog, where I'm writing almost constantly to where there's no updates for months at a time. But this blog, this place has always been there for me and my thoughts.

I stopped writing in March. Or maybe before that, but March seems to be the best example of exactly what happened. But I need to write again. I need to let those thoughts out and let myself feel.

I never wrote about losing my grandmother, my Mamaw. I wasn't strong enough at the time, and I'm still not sure if I'm capable of doing it now. I don't think I can force myself to do it tonight, or maybe not anytime soon. But that's okay, because writing about it and acknowledging that it happened will happen sooner or later. But right now, I'm not quite ready.

formspring.me

You see I've got this American Love... http://formspring.me/starsonharbors

so far but yet so close

Things have never been quite as rough as they've been in the last two weeks. I'm winding down, with no energy left to explain what I've gone through. But I'll leave you with this. And I'll come back for more as soon as I get some rest.

It's late and my head is swimming with ideas. My imagination is running wild and my body is trying to ease itself into the comfort of sleep. I think these have to be the nights that I love the best.

Life is going really good, and I think there will be a real update soon, but for now, here's what's been going on:

• I came back to college. This is such a marvelous experience. Last semester was so awful and this one I just feel revitalized. I am swimming in creativity and happiness that I haven't felt in so long.
• I'm getting tested for ADHD. Probably should have been done before now, but that's okay.
• I'm taking a light semester in the hope that everything will be better.
• Oh! And I'm also moving in with Jessica and Becky next year. Today, we looked at a townhouse that is absolutely perfect.

I am swimming with happiness and excitement about life right now. There is nothing better than that feeling. The feeling of coming out of something so bad and feeling so new and fresh.

Good things are coming. I just know it.

2010 - A Year In Review:

First song of 2010: Konstantine by Something Corporate

January:

The year started with me at home for my first break from Mizzou. I was working at Cassanos and hanging out mostly with the people that I worked with. When it came time to prepare getting moved back into the dorms, I took my biological dad with me in a hope of bonding. I dyed my hair from dark, dirty blonde to a light blonde color. I watched my cousin, Bretta, graduate from High School and got the special privilege of taking photos for her. When I returned to college, I was glad to be with my friends again. I bought my first moleskine notebook and began pouring my heart into it. I spent a lot of time at the Underground Cafe writing with NaNoWriMo kids. I broke my phone and got a new one. I spent a lot of time playing Mario Kart. I saw Avatar and had girls nights. I also started working at kgb in an attempt to get some extra cash. I spent some time with my mother, great grandmother, and grandma for their birthdays. I went to the library and bought a new bookbag.

February:

In February, I started writing a very short lived writing project with a friend of mine. I hung out with Jessica and Kee. I didn't get to enjoy the Super Bowl as I normally would do to bad weather. I dyed my hair purple just for the hell of it. I became close to a girl named Grace. I had a bad idea with Jessica and decided to dye my hair black. I started a new solo project that lasted a few weeks before I stopped writing. I went home spontaneously for a few hours, only to return in time for the Masquerade Ball. Jessica bought Kanye and I fell in love with the little guy. I played Apples to Apples with my friends in NaNoWriMo. I spent a couple abnormally warm days at the park. I spent a lot of time at the Underground Cafe. I went to a Murder Mystery dinner.

March:

In March I started my orientation for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I planned my trip to Chicago. I went to the midnight premiere of Alice In Wonderland along with half of my dorm, I swear. I spent more time with the people I loved at the Underground. I bought my guinea pig, Lady GaGa. I started watching Gilmore Girls with Becky and ended up watching so much tv. I turned 19, and celebrated with a French midterm and a trip home for Spring Break.

April:

I don't remember too much of April, not really. Or at least, not the first half. I remember trying to mentally prepare myself and my family for me getting my tattoo - my Mom wasn't exactly pleased. In the end of April, Arts Advocates got a graffiti event together. I got my tattoo on April 23rd and celebrated my one year of being free of self-harm.

May:

I started off May by finishing off my Freshman year of college. I celebrated by completing 1/7th of the Mizzou Seven. I jumped in Brady Fountain with Jessica. After I moved out of my dorm, I picked up Ruth from the airport and a couple days later we swooped off to Chicago. I spent the day in Chicago with her and then went to see Something Corporate at Bamboozle Chicago. I met Jules, and stayed at her house before coming back and spending a day in St. Louis with Jessica after dropping Ruth off at the airport. Then, I got to see Cede graduate from high school

June:

I spent June at the pool. I started taking my little cousins down to the pool and even photographed a couple of the events. I also started taking a summer class at MACC. I spent a lot of time whisking back and forth to St. Louis to see Jessica and Kee, forming a friendship with Jessica that I hadn't thought possible at first.

July:

I started off July by seeing The Young Veins in Columbia. Then, Jessica came up to spend the weekend with me for the 4th of July. I had the intent to take her downtown, but for the most part, we just hung out at my house. After that, I lost my Grandma Howard to a heart attack. A week after that, Nanny was in the hospital for a while, and Mamaw was taken to the E.R. Then, Grandpa was in the hospital. Overall, July was the worst month of the year.

August:

In August, I started preparing to go back to school. I got to go spend time with Jess and go to see Something Corporate for the second time. I quit working at Cassano's. I went back to school in the middle of the month and immediately got whisked away in the hustle and bustle of being with friends and everything. I took on the duties of a Community Leader and Co-President of Arts Advocates. I got to meet a lot of cool new people and help them transition to being a college student.

September:

In September, I randomly decided to dye my hair brown. So I did that, Jessica dyed her hair red, and we straightened Becky's hair. I also took Becky to St. Louis to see Gold Motel. In September, I also started to slip back into depression. I started going to counseling at the MU counseling center.

October:

October was mostly spent in the hustle of Mizzou Homecoming. It's a pretty big deal, and Becky took most of the work, but it was still a lot of work for everyone. I started preparing for Halloween, as well as NaNoWriMo. Even though I'd spent a lot of time in counseling, it still wasn't enough. I ended up calling my mom and having her take me home before anything bad happened, which got me put back on medication. I also went to a football game with my parents on Halloween, only to come back and go to the NaNoWriMo kick-off party.

November:

NaNoWriMo started and I spent a lot of time with the people that do that. I went to write-ins every week and kept typing away at a story I didn't like in the slightest. I wasn't necessarily happy, but the medicine seemed to keep my mind off everything. I went with Jess to go see Jack's Mannequin. I started sleeping too much and could barely function. I went home for a week for Thanksgiving, which turned out to be the perfect break. I got to spend time with my family and see the people I love. I also went to a Mizzou Game with my best friend Jessica.

December:

In December, I finished up my semester with grades that I wasn't too proud of, but am at least happy that I made it through the semester without dropping out, and have the intentions of going back. A couple days before the end of the semester, Jessica fell and broke her leg, causing me to spend three days in the hospital with her. Despite that, I still did great on my finals. I came home and ended up spending a lot of time watching Gilmore Girls and playing the Sims. I got to spend time with my family for Christmas and it ended up being the only time that I've never gone to my dad's for Christmas (which was awesome). Then, Jessica came up to spend New Years with me. And here we are.

Last Song of 2010: Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin

you won't ever get too far from me:

My mind is a rush of every bad thing I've ever said to you. Every time I haven't answered your phone calls or when I've let a text go unanswered because I just didn't know what to say. I'm also replaying every bad thing you've ever said to me, or every time you've wrote about me in your blog that hasn't been exactly positive. For example..

"you are the most unoriginal person I have ever met, full of lies and pleas and you are so ungrateful, every pretend 'I'm sorry,' that you mumble is worthless. you have no idea what creativity is, and if i thought I was bad..."

I don't know exactly where everything went wrong. In May, we were laughing and carrying on like you were the only thing that mattered. By July, you didn't know that my life was falling apart. In October, you didn't know that I wanted little more than to take my own life.

I haven't exactly told you everything that's been going on in my life, and I can't expect you to know, either. But at the same time, you've yet to reach out and ask about me. You've yet to take the time. Sure, you were there for me last week when I considered going in the hospital, but you weren't here for the whole decay of my mental functioning. You didn't know I was in therapy or that my medicine wasn't working until it was almost too late.

"We didn't drift apart. YOU pushed us apart. I'm not planning on having any future contact with you, because you're going to be this way for the rest of your life. And I'm not going to wait for the day that you decide your friends are worth caring about."

You're not the best friend you used to be, and I'm not saying I'm any better. I think I gave up on wanting you to be my best friend a long time ago. I'm done trying. But the truth is, you pushed me away for years before I pushed back. So don't blame me for all of this, it's your fault as much as it is mine.

I'll grieve over this. Because as much as our friendship has decayed over the last couple of months, you've been my best friend since I was six years old, and that kind of love doesn't just go away. I miss you like hell, already. But I don't miss who you are today, I miss the friend you used to be. I won't ever get that back, but the memories are not something I'm giving up.

Part Three:

I would like to take a moment to thank every single soul who has been there - whether physically or emotionally - for me over the last few days. You all are my champions, my heroes, my driving force in this emotional battle to stay alive. To fight this awful depression that's gone on inside me for long enough. I've been alone and falling for far too long, and I want to feel okay again. I want to just feel as though there is some hope in this world.

I guess there's a part of me that has hope. I feel as though things might be okay again soon, or at least, I'm on the path to get there. I talked to a doctor today. Unfortunately, not a psychiatrist, but my family doctor. For now, he put me on a prescription for Lexapro, in the hope that that'll make me feel better over the weekend, but I see an official psychiatrist on Monday at the University. Hopefully, that psychiatrist will get me on a prescription that will work.

(Disclaimer: I in no way intend to make it sound as though anti-depressants and pills are the answer to my problems. I have never intended to pop a pill and make my life perfect. I know that the chemical side of things are only a part of the problem - a large part, but a part none the less. I know that I am on a long path to recovery, and that nothing is going to change overnight.)

But the thing is, I have hope. I am in no way stable, nor should I be left alone for any extended period of time. But I'm on the road to getting there.

10/21/10 Part: 2

There is nothing more terrifying or more painful than the idea of telling someone that you want to kill yourself. It's something different when I tell it to a blog, or to myself. It's less personal (although it's exactly the opposite) and it's easy to say that to the Internet, when nothing seems real at all. But it's a completely different thing to sit in an office of someone who is very indirectly your boss (as in, he is, but I don't' get paid for what I do in the slightest) and tell him that I very much want to die, and I'm scared that I'll actually slip and go through with it.

At first, my intention with all of this to self-admit myself to the hospital. I was going to call my mom, tell her my intentions, and then go through with it later this evening. Scott would help me get everything in order as far as work and school. However, when I called my mom to tell her, she asked me the question of "do you want to withdraw from school?". I replied no, and her next question was "Do you want me to come down there?" and I couldn't even answer before I was in a bawl of tears on my bed.

So my mom came down here, and again I found myself in Scott's office, trying to formulate a plan for what I wanted to do, and how I wanted to do it. He suggested (and my mom and I agreed) that the best plan would be for me to go through the Counseling Center and their crisis center, especially since I already have a relationship with the counselors there. So I found myself sitting in there and taking the blog post I wrote late last night and I let them read it. I figured that them reading my thoughts at my worst would be the best plan of action.

Together, Amber and I came up with a list of things that make me want to be alive. Some of those things were:

• My family
• My friends
• My art
• My cat
• If I died, I wouldn't know how Project Runway ended or how good the Harry Potter movie is going to be

And together we decided that I should take this weekend off work and go home with my mom. I'm going to take a weekend that's severely for me. I'm going to work on art and play the sims and be with my family and just take care of my wants and my needs. Because I need to get my life back in check, and it's not going to get any better if I don't.

I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has been there for me through this. Beckie and Jessica have been a wonderful physical support system, and there are tons of people online that have been a great support system for me emotionally. I'll take the time to write more once things calm down a bit.

10/21/10

I don't know if anyone reads my posts, or if anyone really cares, but I know that I care, and that I read them. And that the people who matter will find them, or I will show these posts to them.

To start off, I am not okay. I am suicidal. I am a danger to myself. 90% of my thoughts are about harming myself (through cutting, mostly, but I also have a tendency to pick at my skin until it bleeds, or tug on hairs), or worse, taking my own life. I can't honestly tell you why I feel this way, or why I can't fix it for myself. All I know is that I want to die every day, and I can't make it stop.

I think it's also important to note that I haven't been going to class. Well, I go to some classes, but even then I have a low level of interest and a tiny attention span, and I spend every moment that I'm not in my room wishing that I was in my room. I consistently wish to be asleep, or to be deep in my head where it's all about the creative aspect, and not that pain in my chest that I feel every day.

I also am slacking on every aspect of my duties. I'm not a good community leader because I don't want to be with people. I'm not a good co-president of Arts Advocates because I don't want to be in control of my own life, let alone an organization that is almost 20 years strong. I don't do well managing my time, so how can you expect me to have any role in anything else?

I'm sleeping more than I have in my life. I can't bring myself to wake up unless someone physically makes me get up (either by calling me or coming to get me). Or more often than not, I wake up, but I can't seem to find the ability - or desire - to make my muscles move. All I want to do is lay still and be alone, but what's terrifying is that the more I'm alone, the worse off I feel.

Tonight, I confessed to Becky exactly how bad off I am. In the morning, I'm going to talk to Scott, my hall coordinator about all of this. I'm going to tell him everything. I think I already know what I want to do, but I don't know if I can have the strength to do that to myself again.

But I think I might need to.

Renewal:

There is something completely revitalizing about coming off a depressive state. Now, I completely accept that I'm bipolar, and there will always be parts of my life in which I am extremely low, and parts that I am extremely high.

In the last few days, I've come out of that depressive state and I've began to see the world as beautiful and revitalizing once more. Honestly, I am absolutely manic. I am hyper and full of energy and running on not enough sleep and too much caffeine. And this would be a problem except...

I don't want to die anymore. And that is a gift all in itself.

On Friendship:

I've noticed that when it comes to friends, I tend to make bad choices. I cling to people that hurt me instead of the people that are good for me. I make myself depend on people that consistently put me down, instead of the people that build me up. And I'm trying to change that.

I've also noticed that when I think about why I'm friends with someone, I very rarely think of present events. I remember when times were the best, instead of what they're like now. With Alexa, I always thought of the summer before Junior year, when we'd spend every day just me, her, and Sara. With Ruth, I think about 7th grade and the summer before 8th grade. With Madi, I think about when we started to write Eternity Will Never Be Enough together.

The thing is, that while those times were good and they were a great basis of a friendship, that's not what I should be focused on. I should be focused on the now, why they're my friend now. And with certain friends, I've realized that what used to be isn't good enough anymore.

But I've also noticed that with Jessica, I don't think like that. Sure, last year and this summer were one of the best of my life, but she didn't just make me happy then. She continues to make me happy every day. Every day, she's there for me and builds me up. There are no expectations in this friendship. I don't have to write a certain way, or do drugs, or listen to a certain type of music to be her friend. I just am.

And that's what I like right now.